KITOTO: I am not satisfied with being a serial dater; I want to commit to one

Dear Pastor Kitoto,

Thank you for your great work, I am a 29-year-old man and I have been in multiple relationships within the last 5 years.

I must admit that I'm the problem, since all the women I have loved were always committed to me. This year alone I have been involved with three women. They loved me and the relationships were okay until I broke things off.

This turn of events has made me worried about my future. I'm discontented with my relationships and I end them pretty fast. I want to turn a new leaf in my life but I don't know how to go about it.

I desire to change my life and have a better perspective, please walk me through this journey of being a better man. Peter Kipkorir.

Hi,
What you are sharing, in one way, seems to shed light on what is happening with most relationships today.

Studies show that many relationships end without bringing those involved the intended fulfilment and joy. As a result, many have been left wounded, hurt and feeling betrayed.

The desire you have to live and act differently is noble. However, desire to change is just the beginning of the journey of establishing a new course for your life. Desire must give birth to a need to identify what makes relationships tick for you.

This is essential because you can’t change what you don’t know. In addition, desire and identification my lead to a determination to do several things:

First, to lay down a new course for the life you would like to live. This must be accompanied by the necessary things that you need to avoid and those you need to start doing. For example, what activities should you stop that badly influence you as you relate with women? Replace these with new habits that will make you a trustworthy man.

Second, build habits based on your new values that will grow you and make you the man you desire to be. For example, build the value of commitment that results into long-term love; embed true love and appreciation of other people gifting and differences; adopt a learner’s attitude instead of a know-it-all attitude; desire to build each other rather than use each other to achieve your ends; seek to build team; seek to offer unwavering support to each other; and learn each others’ love language.

Successful spouses should accept and understand that relationships are not easy and that conflict is inevitable. The fact that you do not agree on an issue does not mean that you are totally incompatible.

Look for and engrave areas of common agreement into your relationship and let this grow with time. You should not feel the pressure to change your partner just because you do not see eye-to-eye on an issue.

Changing oneself in areas where you notice the need helps the relationship more. The feel-good comes with putting in place the other foundation of relating such as right values, habits, and practices that build trust.

How can I win his heart?

Dear Pastor Kitoto,

It is good work that you are doing. I am a mum of one and had to quit my first relationship as things were not working out. I decided to give myself some time to heal and it has been 6 years now.

Two years ago, I met a guy with whom we have been friends. He is married but has been through a lot and has decided to move on. We discussed his marital challenges and I tried to persuade him to sort out his issues. Throughout this journey, I have always ensured that he does not have to meet my monthly bills including my school fees, but he keeps on insisting. He is a good man who treats me right.

He is open and we help each other out whenever we have personal problems. I have met his relatives who are also keen that we settle down. He is years older than me. What your advice?

Hi
There are several concerns I have noticed that arise from your email. First, because this gentleman is married and has issues to deal with in his relationship with his wife, I am sure you will agree with me that your being in his life is a distraction for him.

There is no way he will give his marriage the best shot if you are still active in his life. Although you have said that you have given him time, it is clear that the two of you are still actively engaged.

Second, your presence in his life has complicated issues because his relatives have already taken sides. I guess that, now, they seem to gauge his happiness by comparing how he relates to the two of you.

Sadly, since he has unresolved issues at home with his wife, he will paint a picture of being happy with you and fail to confront the unresolved issues in his own marriage.

This man needs to take uninterrupted time to determine what is wrong in his marriage and resolve the issues. The best gift you can give him is to distance yourself and cut off communication totally with him.

As much as this action may not be easy, it is the necessary thing to do. Inner focus and personal determination will be essential for him. Don’t open a door for his unresolved issues to become the baggage that will weigh you down.

It is known that, with time, wounded and hurting people are capable of transforming their victimhood into victimising others. In relationships, therefore, inner healing is essential to the health of the relationship.

If both of you have children from previous relationships, managing blended marriages is not only challenging but at times exhausting.

Many studies have shown that a large percentage of married people who get divorced still harbour good or bad feelings for their former spouse many years after the separation.

It is these powerful feelings toward their former lovers that need to be processed freely and, at times, with help from a counsellor so as to limit transference of bad habits or attitudes to new relationships.

If relationship hangovers are not well handled, they can be problematic to future relationships. Some of the victims of botched relationships may look back to previous ones with longing and start to miss what they never treasured due to the problems that were there back then.

Others look back with fear, bitterness or anger which may cause them to live with anxiety. For example, whereas a new relationship could be progressing well, problems or difficulties may be encountered causing one spouse to remember the past and begin to use comparisons that could lead to judgement of the other person.

I advice you to move with care. This could just end up hurting you and others more.

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