KITOTO: She claims their relationship is platonic

I have confronted her, but she has told me repeatedly that there is nothing going on between them. Should I play it cool until I come back? PHOTO| FILE

What you need to know:

  • Know that you belong: Knowing you belong has power to evoke intimacy.
  • Love is both a choice and actions that affirm the choice.
  • Unless one embraces integrity and honesty, unfaithfulness will still abide.

Greetings,
Thanks for the good work.

I am currently working in Qatar. My girlfriend is a third year university student in Kenya. We were friends and knew each other’s family since we go to the same church.

However, we began dating our after I got a job in Qatar and we have dated for eight months.

I meet all her financial needs in terms of pocket money. We have plans to get married in future.

My problem is that, since May, she has been taking selfies with a certain man and posting them on social media.

These selfies really tell a lot. I have confronted her, but she has told me repeatedly that there is nothing going on between them.

She however says that the guy hits on her and they often hang out and cook together.

My question is, should I play it cool until I come back in October, or what would you advise?

N.K

Hi
Let me start by addressing what I believe is foundational to any thriving relationship. I believe that healthy relationships don’t come by accident; they are made.

Two people must commit to certain principles that lead to a couple enjoying a healthy relationship.

Live by example: However, values are as strong as the people we hang around with. Spouses must commit to hang out with people who add value to their life.

It is said that birds of a feather flock together. It is clear from your girlfriend that she is around those who mean much more to her. She might use the fact that you are far away as an excuse, but I believe that discipline and self-control are virtues that should lead and guide one.

Commit to faithfulness in your relationship: Faithfulness must be at the centre of any relationship. Although you are still friends, you have not committed to a long-term friendship.

However, I believe her actions show a lack of commitment to you and the relationship’s values. It is said that a picture is worth a thousand words.

Compromise can lead a relationship into rocky times, or even kill the intended future. Your girlfriend’s actions can only be interpreted in the context of how she defines her relationship with you.

Who are you to her? She can’t go as far as posting the pictures on Facebook and later say they mean little or nothing at all. You might interpret her actions as bordering on compromise or unfaithfulness.

It is up to you to make the decision on the future you think is still there.

Know that you belong: Knowing you belong has power to evoke intimacy. Walking in the light with each other and those around us point to where we belong.

Can you trust her? Or, is she trustworthy? I believe the two of you have answers to these questions are with the two of you.

I suggest that you bring out what you consider unacceptable behaviour, set some ground rules and ask her whether she is willing to live by that.

However, my warning is that she must feel she belongs, and that if her her future is with you she will have to live live differently.

Time has a way of exposing hidden things: When the light shines, what is hidden in darkness is made manifest by the light.

You have done her a lot of good by helping her financially. I pray that this was not in any way meant to buy her love.

On the other hand, I pray that she did not accept your help because she was in need and never actually loved you. I suspect that this is where the root of your current problem lies.

I hope the truth will come out on who truly loves the other and why.

Fallen relationships can be restored: When the one who is asleep wakes up, he or she seeks what they might have missed while asleep.

Temporal things that side track us from our priorities are stumbling blocks or mist on a windscreen that hinders our ability to see clearly. Our progress is hindered when our line of view is blocked.

It would be great to ask yourself two important questions: Why you think this woman loves you and wants to spend her future with you and not with this other man. You see, right here, there is no guesswork.

Love is both a choice and actions that affirm the choice.

Secondly, what would you miss if she actually does love this other man? Distance has a way of killing love if it is not regularly fanned back to flame.

I pray that you will make a wise decision. Wisdom demands that you walk with discernment.

One reading I had recently warned me to be more carefully how I walk, not as unwise, but as a wise person, redeeming time, because days are evil. The times we live in give us no guarantee that people will keep their word. Unless one embraces integrity and honesty, unfaithfulness will still abide.

***

I’ve had two failed relationships; is there something wrong with me?

Dear Kitoto,
I am a 32-year-old single mom of two, with different dads. None of them is in our lives.

The second man treated me worse than the first guy despite sharing with him what I had undergone in my first marriage. He left me very suicidal.

There are times I wish I could get married again but I ask myself whether another man will love my children when their biological dads have rejected them.

There are times I feel cursed because of my situation. I am the only one not married in my group of friends. Might there be something wrong with me?

Anne

Hi,
I don’t think there is anything wrong with you. Besides, I don’t believe in curses. God’s word tells us that, as a person thinks, so is he.

At times, what we fear soon overtakes us. The way we think is key to our self-esteem and self-actualisation.

It is, therefore, important to allow good thoughts about yourself to dominate your mind. You biggest issue is right there.

What people say or think about you is not as powerful as what you hold to be true about yourself.

Since our negative past has a way of haunting us, we need to create new experiences each day that speak positively about the big future ahead.

Every one of us has a new leaf or page on which to rewrite what we would like our future to look like.

Yes, we may have failed, messed up, missed the mark or failed to protect ourselves from those who hurt us, but today is a new day for us to think and do things differently.

I empathize with you regarding the way the two men treated you.

However, you can’t live in that past forever. You might have scars that remind you of that past, but make a conscious choice not to relive that past.

Your mind must learn to accept what happened in the past positively. Say to yourself, “Yes, this man hurt me. I have his baby. But it is over now. He is not going to hurt me again.”

In this way, you don’t have to live in denial, but are able to accept the truth and move on.

Move away from feelings of depression and loneliness by finding things to do with your children. They are your heroes for now. The only person they look up to is you.

And as you said, there are no guarantees that if you find another man, he will be nice to you and your children.

I suggest that you set your priorities right and pay attention to what matters to you most.

I believe your children need you more, and that their future will depend a great deal on what you investment in them now.

How do you deal with this feeling of rejection and walk towards freedom? It is common knowledge that having a sense of belonging and feeling loved are important.

However, it is these same feelings that have driven many to wrong relationships.

1) Focus on the positive things you do; 2) Remind yourself that that past is over; 3) Create new opportunities without compromising yourself; 4) Protect your values and priorities;

5) Get a counsellor to help you deal with the issues you are unable to deal with; 6) Have regular reviews your decisions and actions to see whether you are still on course;

7). Get some good books that will help you build yourself up to read.

Send your relationship questions to [email protected].