I am having a lot of trouble relating to   people who criticise or insult me

Dear Philip Kitoto,

I am a 43 year old born again Christian and  I am having problems relating with people in my life.  My brother, for example, has taken to pointing out all my mistakes and treating me badly. I am not married and I still live in my mother’s house.  My brother is divorced, he is also been jobless for  almost five years.  He condemns me a lot and I do not understand why. I am not in competing with him.

Recently, a colleague at work found me waiting for my boss at the entrance of our office building and she asked me harshly who I was waiting for. My boss came and we started walking, the colleague kept on looking behind just to make sure that I was with my boss.  I felt rejected and frustrated.

Kindly advise me on how to relate to such people.  At work there are some married men who pursue me. I am wounded at their behaviour as it makes me feel trashy. How do I deal with them?

Advise me on how to leave peacefully with my brothers since maybe they think they can treat me as they want because I am not married. I find this unfair.

Carol

Hi

I will be a little broader as I respond to your question. In addition, I must commend you for your desire to have a harmonious relationship with your siblings. There is nothing as rewarding as knowing that you are loved and are free to love those around you and particularly your own flesh and blood. It is painful to live with the knowledge that those from whom you expected care and comfort have rejected you. ‘Unity seems to be an elusive goal in our society,’ says Pastor Dan Walker. He adds that marriages and families are disintegrating at an alarming rate with infighting and divisions being witnessed.

The question you are asking is what most people in relationships would ask, “What is the cause of this breakdown in unity and harmonious relationships?” In many relationships, the cause of such breakdowns is pure self-centredness, selfishness, taking advantage and giving back as little as possible to a partner. The truth is that when there is no unity, dissatisfaction settles in.

There are ways a family can enhance family unity where relationships that honour God can be lived and practised. Today’s families live so independently  that we see no value in what helped families (in the past) to set and maintain a culture that kept them distinct and separate.

To begin with, every successful family has what is generally referred to as a family meeting. Such a meeting may be called for a small unit family or for an extended family. This is where families share their dreams, beliefs, fears, resolve conflicts, establish rules of engagement and hold one another accountable.

SENSE OF VALUE

The troubles facing today’s family can be traced in some cases to the lack of forums where certain expectations were set and people or children were held accountable. What we have been reading in the news about indecent behaviour by our teens is merely the symptoms of a failing family culture that can no longer set acceptable standards that should govern the behaviour of our young and old.

 In fact, today is about, “I am old enough to do what I want to do.” As much as that is true, as a Christian you know that the Bible commands us to “train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Family meetings help create a forum where we not only set expected behaviour, but we hold each other accountable to it. It also provides for us the opportunity to resolve conflicts where they arise.

I would strongly suggest that you and your brother should get time to meet as a family where such simple issues like supporting each other can be handled. It is through the creation of such moments, where you affirm each other, that you will be able to engage in the harder issues of discussing what hurts the relationship.

Holding regular family meetings gives all present a sense of value, belonging, and importance. In an African home, most men felt that they were the ones who took custody of the home as women got married and took care of their own homes. Many women and men alike are taking longer to get married either through choice or by coincidence. Could your brother be going through some self reflection about this?

It is through family time that such issues are addressed openly.  There is a possibility that he feels threatened or that the people that he hangs around have influenced the way he talks to and treats you.

 Second, a growing and successful family must embrace a code of conduct. Your brother may have reason to feel the way he does, but he has the power to choose how to behave towards you. Many families treat their siblings or those they relate to closely in a manner to suggest that there lacks proper decorum. Each member should speak out/write down what they think is important to the way family members treat each other.  Values like respect, honouring each other’s property and space, addressing each other with some level of kindness and politeness, being accommodative of each member’s perspective even when they are wrong, should be in play in our relationships.

Families should be accommodative of the diverse feelings represented and still have it within themselves to judge issues and situations based on their culture and norms.  Each family should ideally formulate rules of engagement, which will guide their relationships and conduct. 

POSITIVE SELF-IMAGE

To be efficient, these rules should cover areas such as: truthfulness at all costs, loving one another irrespective of errors done, being considerate and accommodative of one another’s feelings and ideas, respecting one another in speech and deeds, accountability to one another at all times and finally each member must take responsibility for their own behaviour, actions and /or inaction.  The underlying principle must always be love; everything must be done with love.

You will also need to build your self-esteem, to the point that other people’s negative reactions, speech and behaviour towards you will not beat you down too hard.  A positive self-image will help you soar through toxic situations such as the one at your workplace.  You will need to see yourself as a child of God, created for greatness and capable of achieving all that you set out to.  Do not focus too much on the negative reactions people have towards you, as this will only make you even more paranoid.  Where there are situations that require you to address, then speak up and settle them, then move on.

The best way of doing this is working on your relationship with God, which will lead you to see yourself as He sees you.  You also need to spend time doing activities that help you grow: a sport, an art, reading, travelling, furthering your education, the list is endless.  Keeping yourself occupied, will leave no time for you to spend thinking of the ills people are planning against you.  Remember that we cannot change people; all we can change is ourselves.

God bless you!