She is unhappy: Find out why and remedy, or move on

Hi Kitoto,

There's this lady I met during her teaching practice at our school. I fell in love, started courting her and we were soon in a serious relationship.

We loved each other so much that we planned to get married. Everything had been going according to plan since May but, suddenly and inexplicably, in mid-August she changed her mind and said she was no longer interested in the relationship.

She accused me of pressurising her on the marriage issue. She also pointed out that she had a child and, as a single mother, she did not need a man in her life at the moment. Her decisions have hurt and confused me as I am unable to move on. Kindly advise on what I should do.

Hi,

It’s not clear how long the two of you have been relating since you met. For it to be meaningful, a relationship should be about relating with the whole person.

This includes listening to their emotions, watching their actions, feeling their expectations, among many other things. When any of these factors are lacking, there is bound to be some level of dissatisfaction.

From your narration, it appears as though you did not see anything out of the ordinary or strange about her reactions or responses towards you until this last episode.

Unfortunately, none of us can get into her mind or feelings to discover what could have gone wrong. The truth is that this eruption was the culmination of an accumulation of stress about how this relationship was delivering on her expectations.

I am of the opinion that the pressure she could be referring to has something to do with how the two of have been relating. What you now know is that she is unhappy and wants nothing to do with you and in general, all men. If indeed this is the case, she could be disappointed in the way she has been treated.

You have two ways of responding to her: First, is to engage her in a discussion to find out where things could have gone wrong and see if you can remedy.

Second, you could respect her wishes and move on with your life. Hurts and disappointments in relationships are common and only vary in the way they affect those involved.

Healthy and thriving relationships are based on these pillars: Open and honest communication, full and unhindered disclosure, cultivation of a healthy and free environment of relating, and finally a relationship where both people feel valued and respected.

Whether this relationship will end up working or not, try and build future relationship on such a foundation.

Stop clinging on to a relationship that will never work

Hi,

I am 26 years old and single. Recently a lady friend of mine introduced me to man whom I ended up liking. We have been communicating on phone and have met once, about 5 months ago. The problem is that the guy is ever busy and doesn't have time for socialising. He once told me to give our relationship time and promised to make time for us. I am now thinking that I could be wasting my time. Do you think that the attraction is mutual? I love him so much. Kindly help.

Hi,

Great relationships must be made up of two people who deeply respect and care for one another. Responsible behaviour in managing oneself and the relationship is key.

I am afraid that you went into this relationship too deep and too fast. It is sad that he does not feel the same way you do. Although you were ready to relate, he seems to be occupied by other things.

However, attraction and love are felt at two different levels. His feelings of love for you must be accompanied by actions that show the same.

As for you now, you are feeling in love and responsible over a relationship that seems not to be a priority. He has made a choice to keep silent and concentrate on what is a priority to him. It is therefore difficult to force him to commit. On the other hand, your love for him should be patient.

It is not clear what attracted you to this man. It could just be that what attracted you to him may not be as strong as what he saw in you. This happens with many relationships.

Indeed, relationships are about both of you seeing in each other significant value that will draw both of you towards a desire on strengthening the budding love.

I find it strange that you already feel so strongly that you love him and yet you two did not have much time together. Sometimes having a crush on someone should be differentiated from being in love. Life is full of missed opportunities and regrets. It is impossible to force someone to let out their romantic feelings.

In relationships, two can only walk together if they are agreed on the direction to go. What are the core values you see in each other?

The two of you must be able to identify areas of commonality that connect you together. This may include things like, common likes and dislikes, similar values, and many more. From where I stand, I do not see this man viewing this relationship as a priority.

I read somewhere that, love is an admiration that comes with patience. On the other hand, lust is an admiration that comes with impatience. Could this be what is happening between the two of you?

Patience pays in circumstances where one or both people are unsure of what to do. Here are some things to think about in relationships:

Eyes may admire what you can’t have. That is why it is not wrong to be attracted to someone. What you can’t do is to allow your attraction to lead you to obsession. Remembering that the eye is the mirror of the soul and the heart will help you guard your heart against anything that would just seek to fulfil the gratification of the flesh.

Intelligence will keep you on the narrow road of discipline. Disciplining one’s life in today’s world that is driven by the lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes and pride of life is hard but necessary. Relationships require that both the heart and the head should stay engaged.

Don’t waste your time on the obvious. In relationships, some people waste time on what will never work. There comes a time to admit that that relationship was never meant for you — you should stop getting overly excited about what could end up hurting you.

Don’t make the mistake of diving you into a relationship that was never meant to be. You might end up being tied to this person for the rest of your life. Connections are great but the decision on what the future holds remains yours.

Don’t allow yourself to fall in love with someone just because they remind you of someone else. Every person is an individual with their own personality, likes, dislikes, values and dreams. No two people are exactly alike. Marriage relationships are about relating with real people in a real world. They cannot be figments of our imaginations.

Building a healthy you is key: Stop blaming yourself over a failed relationship. Not everyone sees things the way you see them. What you may have hoped would be a workable relationship may never translate in the same way to the person you are attracted to.

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