KITOTO: Find out and deal with reasons behind insults

Hi Kitoto,

I am a 30-year-old man. My wife left our matrimonial home after a domestic argument and went back to her parents’ home. Our differences stem from the fact that my wife is disrespectful of me and insults me openly. To make matters worse, I suspect that she has been having an affair with other men, and even our watchman. We have a two-year-old child. I still love my wife very much, and she says she loves me as well and would want to come back home. My problem is that I am conflicted and I am not sure of her real intentions. Should I take her back? Please help.

Hi,

There are several issues that you may first need to clarify and deal with if your marriage is going to offer you the happiness you intend for both of you.

First of all, you have to deal with the issue of your wife’s abusive nature. You must find out the real reasons behind her insults. In most cases, a partner’s abusive tendencies are caused by certain triggers which must be identified and dealt with.

Find her emotional triggers and deal with them. This is the only way you will be able to live in peace. If the things you do or the way you deal with her is the trigger, then you may need to find other ways of relating with her.

Secondly, it is clear from your confession that your wife has no respect for you. The real issue, in such a scenario, is to find out why your spouse does not respect you.

Most spouses lose respect for their partners when one chooses to be judgmental and critical of the other.

Praise and affirmation cement a relationship while criticism divides and builds animosity. One only feels a sense of respect for another when the gesture is reciprocated.
When one spouse appears to feel superior to their significant other, it often results in pride and arrogance on their part and elicits a negative reaction from their partner.

Value is hidden in the words we speak and actions we show to our spouse. This is what increases the level of responsibility.

Lacking personal responsibility is the result of one feeling left out, demeaned, or unfairly treated. If your wife feels unfairly treated and ignored, then she will seek attention elsewhere.

Thirdly, you have mentioned that you suspect unfaithfulness. In a relationship where connection is lost, be it through such issues as the ones described above, one or both partners are bound to seek attention elsewhere.

It is your duty to look for and seal these loopholes. No one understands the dynamics of your marriage better than yourself. You must, therefore, work hard at unearthing the underlying issues and look for ways to bridge the gaps created.

Can she come back to you? Of course she can. The choice is yours. However, what you opt to do with the issues that are standing in the way is the key to the future you desire to see. There is need for you to embrace values that lead to healthy living in a relationship.

Respect each other’s feelings and viewpoints on issues. Be mindful of each other’s opinions, likes and dislikes. Build a healthy camaraderie as you move toward making joint decisions on key issues.

Be open and frank on issues that border on disrespect; Be deliberate and intentional in investing in each other rather that making demands all the time.

Learn to be accommodative and understanding when it comes to issues on which you stand on opposing sides. Carefully choose the battles to fight; Not every battle is beneficial to the relationship.

Take personal responsibility for shortcomings and mistakes. Learn to not only value each other but treat each other better than you treat yourselves. Affirm each other as you look for ways to cover each other’s weak areas instead of exposing and celebrating them for personal advantage. Sort out your issues before taking her back.

***

Hi,

I am 25-year-old man and broke up with my girlfriend 10 months ago after a domestic tiff. It has taken the break-up for me to realise just how much this lady means to me. I have begged for her forgiveness and, last week, she accepted my apology but on certain conditions. She says that she still has feelings for me but I need to give her time to sort things out on her side. My question is; will this really work? I love her very much and have not found the space to love another girl since she left.

Hi
It is amazing how we never see the value of the people we love until that person is removed from us permanently or temporarily as a result of some issue.

Sadly, as quickly as we fall in love, the same may happen when it comes to breaking a relationship. Many great relationships may end up breaking due to unresolved issues, being ungrateful, or refusing to acknowledge the inadequacies that exist. Accepting that weaknesses exist opens the door to joint efforts to look for solutions.

The two of you got into some argument that made you separate. Nothing is unfixable. However, you must: 1) Accept that something went wrong leading you to break up; 2) Identify the specific issues that caused the arguments; 3) Acknowledge the impact and damage that the arguments had on the relationship; 4) List down the issues and identify what it will take to fix the dent caused by the argument.

Love is a choice and should be based on more than mere feelings. Knowing that feelings have a way of changing is important in revealing how at times it becomes risky to fully base one’s decisions on them.

Sometimes, circumstances have a way of changing how we feel about an issue or a person. What you are feeling now had previously been drowned by anger and displeasure arising from the arguments you had leading to your break-up.

Each one of you have things to deal with if the reconnection has to work. I suggest that you take things slowly and not rush into getting back together. Try and go through the process of questioning yourself using the pointers I raised above.

Something caused the arguments to erupt. Working of this will lead to living in freedom and peace. The consequences arising from the separation must be dealt with. Did the separation lead to other unhealthy connections or attachments that need to be untangled?

What I would request is for you to seek disclosure on what issues she desires to be dealt with before you can get back together.

You have to take this journey of rebuilding this love life together. There should be no secrets. Each of you need to fully disclose your displeasure, anger, and fears. Disclosure has a way of opening up wounds that could take time to heal.

However, I would rather this happens so long as it leads to a determined effort to jointly seek solutions to these issues together.

***

Ways through which spouses create an environment of fear and a feeling of inadequacy in a relationship

1. Excluding your partner from important decisions by refusing to listen to their contributions

2. Ignoring or under-estimating your partner’s feelings by insinuating that they need to instead get over such feelings

3. Branding each other as dreamers and ignoring the true future dreams and desires that they have nurtured hoping that one day they will become a reality

4. Becoming overly critical of each other instead of making a positive effort to pay compliments to each other

5. Dismissing your partner’s ideas and choosing to question their judgement instead of seeking to understand why they do what they do the way they do it

6. Being quick to always make unrealistic demands that you cannot meet yourself or fulfil.

7. Always comparing your partner’s performance to others

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