I’m worried that my fiancé is 12 years my senior

Dear Kitoto,

I am 25 years old and planning to get married this year. My fiancé is 37.

I love this guy but my worry is the 12-year age difference. I feel it’s too big and I’m reluctant to mention his age to my friends and family. What should I do?

Should I ignore this age difference and continue with the relationship, or are there problems that might arise after we get married? He has met by family although they didn’t ask about his age.

Kindly advise.

Con

Hi,

Twelve years difference is significant and cannot be easily wished away. I guess that is why you are so concerned.

This concern is based more on what you think other people will say rather than what you yourself feel about him. This is in itself a good thing.

However, it will require you to think positively about him and be convinced that he is the right man for you. Your convictions should drive your actions.

My wife always lets me know that age is in the mind, especially when you begin to feel it.

I suggest that you settle on the qualities and convictions you have about this man. If this is what you are willing to die for, then you will let this guide your actions.

Ignoring it will not help you much because it will return to haunt you later. He will be your partner forever and you don’t want to appear uncertain.

But that is not to say that you should you let other people drive your agenda.

I have this feeling that this age difference is causing you more concern than you might want to admit. If this is the case, you should be sure that you are willing to deal with the fact that this man will be 67 when you are 55. Will you still be proud of him?

Really, it is more about your image, how you feel, and what you think you are willing to live with. Your decision should be based on sound facts and reasoning.

Don’t let other people’s feelings influence you more than what you think is reasonable.

The woman he had a fling with won’t let go of him

Dear Kitoto,

I am a frequent reader of your articles and I get great insight and advice from them. Thank you.

I am a born-again, 28-year-old woman in a relationship with a born-again man. We have been together for a year now. I love him and I know he also loves me.

We met at his workplace, where he offers consultancy services. Our relationship has been good and we have both taken a stand to wait until we get married before we get intimate.

However, two months ago I lost my mum and sank into depression. While I was grieving, I withdrew from him and might have put him off even when he was just trying to be there for me.

During that period he met a woman at my workplace and he was tricked (as he later explained) into a friendship with her and ended up sleeping with her. I don’t understand how that could have happened.

However, he confessed to me and asked for forgiveness, arguing that I had treated him unfairly when he wanted to take our relationship to the next level (we were supposed to visit each other’s parents and tell them about our friendship and intentions.)

This pains me a lot although I do realise I might have wronged him. 

He also says he does not love her. I have forgiven him because he was honest with me. He promised to end his relationship but the woman is now after him to continue with the relationship and is consistently stalking me.

She is aware of our relationship but does not respect that. I feel bad and do not know if our relationship is falling apart, which I would not want to happen.

He lost his job recently and feels that, as a man, he will not be able to support me in our future plans. But I am not after his money or possessions.

I have a job that is paying my bills and I do not ask for money from him. I just love and respect him.

What should I do? Kindly advise.

Hi,

I am really sorry for the loss of your mother. Mothers are special and it is hard to imagine the pain.

I suggest that you talk to your pastor about your loss. This will help deal with it so that you can face your relationship objectively.

The pain of losing a loved one is hard to bear. It might take long, particularly taking into consideration that you sank into depression.

Second, I really do not see how your boyfriend cannot own up to his sin. It is unfair of him to blame you. You had just lost you mum. He has no excuse for having caused you more pain when you were grieving.

When he says that he wanted to take your relationship to another level, did he mean sleeping with you? I hope not. I suggest that, as two born-again people, the word of God is clear on sin. Help him walk this road.

As for your feeling that you did something wrong, I really don’t think you did. You were grieving and grief takes different forms in different people.

If, indeed, he does not love her, after he asked you for forgiveness, he should behave responsibly and strive to rebuild trust.

I hope that in rebuilding your relationship, he will not take advantage of you and leave you wounded. Be strong and courageous. Pray through these things before you talk to him. Let God’s word guide you.

I suggest that you: 1) Let him know how much pain the death of your mother caused you, which is what made you withdraw 2) Let him know that his commitment to purity was to you and God. Even if you withdrew, why did he not remain faithful to God? 3) Put in place new guidelines or expectations 4) Seek to walk with a mature counsellor.

Send your relationship questions to [email protected]

*****

HOW TO MAKE DATING FUN

As we have shared in this column, we do not do matchmake. Finding someone to marry must be a personal effort since marriage is one of the most intimate unions.

Most people make dating boring, with too much routine.

However, great dating must have some level of fun and enjoyment that does not violate the values that either partner holds.

The progression from when you first meet your potential partner to marriage must be made memorable and fun.

Delight: This is the very first stage in a relationship. When two people meet for the first time, there is what some refer to as a spark, an attraction, or a chemistry that flows between them. However, this is not enough, since feelings are at times shallow and need to be subjected to some reflection.

Disclose: This second step is the most crucial one, but the one most partners rush through. It is important to know you partner well. This helps build trust and deepen intimacy.

Lack of knowledge will build fear and mistrust. The main question to ask yourself is, what do I need to know so that this relationship can be based on a solid foundation?

Desire: Real desire should flow from the knowledge that the areas in which you agree are more than those in which you disagree.  Couples must agree on values and a vision for the relationship. Once the areas in which you agree are clear, you can think of marriage.