He left me to marry someone else, now he wants me back…

Pastor Kitoto,
I dated this man for 10 years but he left me to marry another. A year after he got married, he started begging me to give him another chance, saying that he made a mistake and wants me back. I told him no for several years, but he never stopped begging me to take him back even though he is still married to his wife. I finally said yes to him this year because I'm still single and there is no suitor coming my way. He says that he wants to marry me. I don't know what to do

Hello there,
Thank you for writing. From the onset, I find your dilemma to be somehow self-inflicting, particularly if you do not take steps to correct your current actions. Several issues stand out from your narration. The first concerns this man who initially loved and dated you for 10 years, only to drop you for another woman who he married and now calls his wife.

Whatever the reasons that led him to do this, one would wonder what changed between you and him that made him turn around and express interest in you even though he is still married.

Are you just a side chick in his eyes? What really do you mean to him? Discovering the issues that made him leave you will inform you what kind of person he is.

The worst mistake you can make is to get into a relationship with someone out of frustration and the fear of remaining single for the rest of your life.

CONFESSION

The second issue is the confession of love and commitment he made to the woman he ended up marrying instead of you. Why marry her and later return to you?

What happened to this marriage that was based on love because he must have loved her to marry her instead of you? What makes him, after all these years, want you back, possibly as a second wife? This is where real issue is. Ten years with a man, he throws you out of his life, marries another woman and still has the guts to go behind his wife’s back to have an affair with you.

It does not make sense. There is definitely something that does not add up here.

He is using your vulnerability to get back into your life. To him, you could be but some kind of toy. I don’t think this is the kind of relationship you are looking for!

Do remember that he married supposedly out of love, and this is why he is still with his wife. His intention is to get you back into his life, not as his first choice, but as a second option.

My take is that by saying yes to him, you have opened a door to not only hurt his innocent wife who is trying to make her marriage work, but also to hurt yourself.

DUMPED

He will most likely begin to remind you how he had dumped you in the first place. The truth is, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

Third, there are reasons that made him choose to marry this other woman and not you. What are they?

You have said it yourself - you allowed him back into your life even after he kept you waiting for 10 years because you are afraid that you might not get someone to marry you. You are doing this out of desperation, fear and social pressure. Please don’t. Save yourself from a future of pain and disappointment and say no to him. This time for good.

Revisit your earlier values. You would rather remain single but hold onto your dignity than say yes to a man that hurt you and an unfulfilling relationship. Love should not be based on selfishness, it must be about factors that endure through the various seasons of life.
Take the following as an example:

Sincerity:
I am afraid that there is a level of sincerity missing in your relationship. This is an essential quality characterised by the lack of feelings of deceit, pretension, and hypocrisy.

My feeling is that your ex is simply out to take advantage of you. Your motive for saying yes, as you admit in your email, is not pure either. Sincerity is about doing something out of a clean heart. People in sincere relationships are honest and open with each other even when it hurts to do so. Since it appears that the two of you are getting back with each other for selfish reasons, then it is inevitable that you will hurt each other.

Sacrifice:
For a relationship to work, it requires some level of sacrifice. One however needs to ask: “Am I sacrificing too much?” In your case, the sacrifice you are making raises questions of power. In essence, who has the upper hand in this relationship? I do not seem to see the sacrifice your partner is making. In fact, you may find yourself in a situation where you are the one who is always being made to give up something or give in.

Selflessness:
Great relationships fall when selfishness takes root in a relationship. Being true to ourselves is the best place to start in becoming selfless. When you turn a blind eye to selfishness, you may end up asking yourself questions such as, “How come I never saw this coming?” or “How could I be so blind?” Others blame themselves because they ignored the warning signs when they were dating and went ahead to get married when they had a chance to walk away.

A relationship where couples take each other for granted cannot work. Could this man be taking advantage of the fact that you are still unmarried since he left you? In relationships, most long-time partners take each other for granted by allowing familiarity to influence how they treat each other. Our thinking and actions must be guided by our values.

A person’s core values will affect all the decisions and choices they make, including the lifestyle they embrace and how they relate with others. Your relationship, if you can call it that, lacks shared values and will therefore fail. Once again, consider that this man left you and is married, so he is cheating on his wife.

Don’t destroy this other woman’s marriage by feeding the selfishness of this man. You also need to start loving and valuing yourself.

You can be a happy single
Could it be that you have been single for too long and feel like you’ll never be happy until you find someone to marry you? Do you feel you will never be really fulfilled until you are married? The truth is that marriage has never made anyone whole.

• Consider these factors:
• Being single means that you will not have to deal with the many issues that lead to dysfunctional marriages.
• Marriage comes with added responsibilities, including disregarding your needs and desires for those of your partner.
• Peer pressure or culture place too much emphasis on being married, and could make singles do anything to get married. Don’t allow yourself to fall into this trap.
• Getting into a relationship just because you don’t what to remain single will lead to disappointment and unfulfilled dreams.
• Growing your personal dreams happens best when you can chase these dreams unhindered by people or responsibilities placed on you.
• Use your time wisely to work on making yourself the kind of person you want to be and would want to be in a relationship with.
• Find fulfilment in who you are and you will grow to become the person you admire, someone worth respect and a person that deserves genuine relationship founded on love.

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