KITOTO: His dad says we must have a house before we wed

Hi Kitoto,

I appreciate your good work and wise advice.

I am a 28-year-old woman and have been in a long-distance relationship for the last four years. We thank God because we have stood the test of time, and distance too.

We think it's about time we settled down and started a family. We would like to do thing the right way, that is have the bride price paid and a simple wedding, God willing.

The challenge, though, is finances because when he talked to his father about coming to our home, he told him to build a house first, then he will take him to pay the bride price, since it is customary the woman’s family to visit her prospective in-laws home to see where she will be living. We had it all figured out, but out plan was to rent a place then build our house later. What would you advise since it seems all these things people need to consider before marrying somehow discourage the young couple from marrying the right way.

Hi,
I guess the underlining issue in the question you have asked is, “What does it take to have a successful marriage?”

Being the godly woman that you are, I get the feeling that you want to do what is right. I hope and trust that your man is on the same page with you on these issues.

I would pray that the two of you talk and compare notes on what you consider the priorities you need to take care of before marriage. Such priorities should be ones that will contribute to the long-term success of the marriage.

I agree with you that many young people at time get mixed up on when and how to get married because of the advice they receive from others. However, these fears can only be removed as the two people in a relationships confront the giants that stand in their way.

In your case, it appears that the house and bride price are among the issues standing in your way. Many people have, over the years, postponed getting married for the same reasons.

Personally, I know of many people who got married simply like you have mentioned and their marriages have been pretty successful. What is necessary is that you ensure that you deal with the basics, or priorities.

It is neither paying the bride price or having one’s own house that makes a marriage succeed. As a result, certain issues are key:

First, is agreement: Every couple must agree on the essentials of a great relationship like faithfulness, commitment, good and effective communication, and proper disclosure. This is what holds a marriage together.

Many have gone to great lengths by providing nice homes but their marriages have not lasted. As much as having a home is great, agreeing how to live together is more important. That is why the marriage vows remind a couple about the good and bad times.

Second, is involvement: As a couple, you might need to determine the level of involvement of your parents and extended family in the future of your relationship. Should they be the ones to determine what you should do or not do in as far as preparing for your marriage is concerned?

In-laws and extended family have been know to stretch the expectations of young couples by placing unnecessary burdens on them. As newly weds-to-be, determine what you feel is manageable.

Your parents might have good intentions but these could place unnecessary hurdles on your way. Building a house to move into or paying bride price are continuous issues that can be agreed upon but executed as finances allow.

Be committed to the basics that I have mentioned and strive for a collective approach. My worry would only be if your man holds the same view as his father. An honest discussion between you and him on the roadblocks will help the two of you arrive at an mutual position.

What are some basic rules for handling issues that have to do with your in-laws?

Have in place clear and realistic expectations of each other and the process. Let your parents see that you are not just in a hurry to marry, but rather, that you have considered all aspects of the relationship.

Approach every hurdle as a team with your spouse. Work as a team when approaching any issues. Most in-laws are good at analysing the process in order as to point out the gaps. However, having a unified approach is key not only to the success of the process, but also to the success of the relationship.

Set and enforce clear, verifiable boundaries on how far you will tolerate their involvement. Your parents must be clear on what issues are suggestions and which ones are not.

Proving that you have thought through issues not only limits their level of intrusion, but also shows them the level of maturity you have attained. Where there are no boundaries, confusion, manipulation and disorganisation prevail.

Remain sober and clear-minded when discussing issues concerning your in-laws in order to avoid poisoning the talk and the environment. Don’t allow people’s opinions to affect you or your relationship negatively.

Respecting and honouring other people’s perspectives does not necessarily mean that you agree with them.

***

I’m tired of being taken for granted
Hi,

I am a 21-year-old woman. In April, I met a 29-year-old man. At first we were friends because we were both dating.

However, after a month I stopped dating and he also claimed to have stopped dating. But I knew something was amiss because he never called me when he was at home. I asked him whether he was living with another woman but he said he wasn’t.

We had a bitter argument, but later he confessed that he had been living with another woman, but she had moved out. One weekend when I went to visit him, some woman called him and they spoke for nearly an hour in his mother tongue, which I don't understand.

The same woman send him text messages until 11pm. When I asked him about her, he told me she was a family friend. He always wants to go through my phone but his phone is a no-go zone for me, with a huge password. He talks to a couple of his exes claiming that they are only friends, and that I should not be jealous. The most recent case was when a woman called when we were in bed and said she wanted to hook him up with one if his exes. I am tired, I have never been taken so much for granted.

Hi,

I can clearly see that you are facing two fundamental issues that are key to relationships. First, is effective communication that embraces honest disclosure.

Your current relationship has many ambiguities and secrets that are already causing you discomfort. I suggest that you follow your gut feeling and not allow yourself to be cheated or taken for granted. You must be true to yourself and your feelings. You already know enough that gives you grounds to move on.

Second, authenticity is key in any relationship. Already, it is clear from your e-mail that this man is not committed to the same values you are committed to. You are struggling with the fact that he has many girlfriends and he is just tagging you along.

Infidelity is one of the killers of would-be great relationships. It is unfortunate that many people in relationships can see red flags but do not take action, thinking that things will somehow get better.

Lasting relationships are those that commit to values such as faithfulness and honest disclosure.

Although there is nothing like a perfect relationship, many people get duped into thinking that what they see is not necessarily real. Most times the truth about relationships is that what we see is what we get.

It is, therefore, important for those in relationships to evaluate their feelings in relationship to what they see so as to make intelligent choices.
Many people end up living with regret for not having discerned that things were going wrong or the will to say “no” to certain habits and connections that they detected early during courtship.

This could just be the moment to save yourself from living in a toxic environment that could hurt you in the future.

Some of the most common signs of toxicity in a relationship include, the following and are already evident in your relationship.

1. A hostile environment: I sense that the his desire to be secretive about his life is highly toxic, since it keeps you on edge. In fact, it is even breeding arguments. Do you feel like you are living with a lot of tension, feeling stressed and not able to express yourself the way you want, and that your relationship is not healthy for you? A safe relationship needs to make you feel safe. You want to feel secure to express your true self.

2. Discouraged rather than encouraged. You are demoralised to a certain extent by the way he is treating you. For example, he is protective of his phone but goes through yours. I sense that you feel he’s demeaning you rather that supporting and affirming you. It appears that, as a result, you feel you need to defend yourself.

3. Invalid feelings: It appears that as far as he is concerned, your feeling are not valid. Somehow, as you express how you feel, he appears to defend his position, in the process y manipulating you. The feelings of both partners must remain valid even if they are to be proved wrong with time. It gives them the feeling that they have been given a hearing. I do not think this is applicable in your case.

4. Constant fights. Your current seemingly minor arguments, if not managed through honest dialogue, will result in much bigger fights. In fact, they graduate from simple issues like, “I don’t want you to touch my phone” to “Don’t ask me where I am from!”

Using the silent treatment is as damaging to a relationship as using words with the intention of hurt the other person’s feelings. It is up to you to evaluate where this relationship is headed in regards to the small fights that are simmering.

That said, it is important for you to gauge what would really keep you in this relationship. You already appear so unhappy and feel taken for granted. Is it worth continuing? The choice is up to you.

***

Send your relationship questions to [email protected]