How do I deal with my embarrassing addiction

Dear Kitoto,

First and foremost, may God bless you abundantly for the work you do. I have had a secret addiction for a number of years. I started masturbating back in 2003 when I was in Standard 8.  I have tried to leave it but nothing seems to work. I am worried because it has also led me engaging in homosexuality which is something I loathe. I hate it with all my heart but still I find myself watching gay pornography. I have tried sex with a man but I hated it and I have never had sex with a woman.

 I am ready to change my life and get married but I’m worried about whether I will be able to stop masturbating and live a normal life.

 I have never opened up about what I am going through to anyone. Please assist me. Kindly help me.

Dan

Hi,

Thanks for your kind compliments to the DN2 team. You have done well too in opening up. Dr Michael Herkov says that “Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterised by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses.” He adds, “Over time, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behaviour to achieve the same results.”

What you have just described is the typical process towards addiction. Starting with masturbation, you descended into gay pornography and eventually had sex with a man. At the moment, you are caught up in a vicious cycle — you desire to stop but still find yourself relapsing into the same rut. Now it has you worried because you are not sure how a relationship with a woman would work out.

I recently read a Forbes magazine article about personal choice. It suggested that, we all make choices every day. Some choices we make with purpose, and some we make by not taking action — simply by choosing to go with the status quo. The article adds that, we need to ask ourselves whether the change that comes from the choice is important to you and your goals. If you make this choice today, what will it mean to your life tomorrow?

FIND HEALING

What you failed to realise is that, without self control, the choices we make concerning sex is enslaving. The chemical changes that happen in the brain make one obsessed. The problem is that the demand for a higher and better thrill keep rising and soon satisfying the desire becomes not a passion but a pursuit. It is this pursuit that drives us further into choices that we sometimes live to regret.

What you need is healing. This means that you must address what triggered you into masturbation. Was it identity issues, poor self-esteem, a desire for sexual adventure or simply an issue with insecurity? Were you already watching pornography by the time you were in class eight or did something sexual in nature happen to you as you grew up to trigger the desire for porn?

Once you address this, you will need to move to the next level of working on current behaviour. You overcome negative behaviour by substituting it with preferred one. This must be addressed before you enter into a relationship with another woman.

Since you look like one who fears God, one best way of changing is to be willing to first build a relationship with Him. As happens with all addicts, you must admit that you need a higher power to help you overcome the addiction.

Another important consideration should be the need to throw away all porn materials in your possession and drop acquaintances that draw you to desire the homosexual lifestyle.  As far as masturbation is concerned, find out what happens to you just before you start masturbating? Do you masturbate to find comfort or console yourself? 

Is it because you can’t control your desire for sex? In addition, you will need to develop accountability with someone who will help you walk into victory and continue with a lifestyle of honour. Regaining a normal life is possible but you must commit a path of recovery. Such a path will require hard work and discipline. You too can get back into responsible sexual behaviour and become a respectable husband in the future.