How do I learn to trust my husband again?

Dear Pastor Kitoto,

I’ve been married to my husband for 15 years, and we are blessed with two wonderful children. He’s a born-again Christian and actually a pastor. We have fought so many battles together and even when he didn't have any job, I stood by the family financially. When his financial status improved, he started to travel outside Nairobi, but I’ve always trusted him. However, sometime in 2015, there was this single woman who joined our local church. She started posting things on social media to suggest that there was something going on between her and my husband. She would befriend my friends and would look for any opportunity to be where my husband and I were. When I asked my husband about it, he called her antics cheap and labelled her an attention-seeker. He told me not to worry because he had no relationship with her.

This woman got pregnant in 2017 and gave birth sometime in 2018. She told someone that my husband was responsible and when I learnt about it, I confronted him, but he said he had nothing to do with her; that the only children he had were ours. He even paid my bride price to show he was serious. He built a family house for us in our rural home and here in Nairobi. He also bought a car for me. Does this mean he still loves me and my children? Should I believe him that he had nothing to do with this woman? I want to trust him again. I need your advice.

Kind regards, Devoted wife

Even great and thriving relationships will have challenges and hiccups of one type or another.

However, success is found in how the couple communicates on various issues that affect the relationship.

There is no marriage, even a pastor’s, that is devoid of suspicion, doubt, or confusion. It’s through clarifying such matters that success or failure of a relationship is found.

Open and unrestricted dialogue is essential. Therefore, I commend you for bringing up your suspicions with your husband.

I’m also glad that he took it up and assured you concerning his stand.

What I may want to make clear is the fact that if you realise that your partner does not engage in a meaningful conversation when you confront him about something that’s been bothering you for a while, and instead seeks to pick a fight or chooses to sweet talk you or walks away, then the relationship is going to face troubles ahead.

Since I don’t have the full context, particularly how this woman related to your husband before and later to both of you at church, I may not have adequate information to make a clear judgment.

DEAL WITH ISSUES

However, from your perspective, the closeness this woman was seeking to get with your family bothered you. This led to the investigations you made.

If there were any serious concerns that came from your findings, I assume these were addressed when you talked to him.

If you discovered any material you feel was improper between your man and this woman, you should have dealt with it.

Affirmation of love is commentated by actions that are consistent with that love.

If the discussion you had with your husband did not bear fruit consistent with the confessions of love, then there is need for you to seek redress.

For example, is this woman still at work and behaving in a way to suggest that your husband is not being faithful towards you? If so, this may need to be confronted.

Finally, you talked about claims by this woman that her baby belonged to your husband.

SEEK REDRESS

This in itself is a serious claim, particularly since you are born again and he is a pastor. His calling demands that he deals with such a rumour immediately and conclusively.

If this woman peddles such stories and the two of you do nothing about it, it could bring a bad reputation to the ministry.

It is ok for him to pay bride price, buy you a car and build a house for both of you.

Your suspicions can also be dealt with when you conclusively deal with these issues together.

Whether he still loves this woman, and whether you can you still commit to him will depend on how the two of you have dealt with the initial concerns.

If you know that you have talked exhaustively on this issue and he has assured you of his love, and if there is no further reason to make you believe he’s lying, then resolve to put the issues behind you and give yourself wholly to the relationship.

If you feel like there are other unresolved items, then sit down with him and have an honest talk about what is causing you concern.

Be sure you have a good reason to be suspicious other than just bringing up old wounds that will drag the relationship backwards.

CONFRONT HER

In addition, if the accusations this woman brought were baseless, then, since you are part of the same church, you may need to find out how far those accusations went and whether they are known in the church.

If so, the two of you should address this by calling the woman to a joint forum where she should be confronted with the information you have.

Some women seek attention in this way. In other situations, such information could be a sign of something that may need addressing even if the child involved is not your husband’s.

Otherwise, I pray that if you find that it’s all hearsay, and that you will leave it behind you, pray and give yourselves to each other.

Time heals. If left unchecked, such mistrust could lead to emotional distance that could hurt the marriage.

I also suggest that you find an older couple you two can build fellowship with so that you can grow.

UNCHECKED BOUNDARIES

Failure to deal with what you are feeling now could make your relationship toxic.

Surrounding yourself with toxic friends like this lady could end up having a negative effect on your relationship.

If the two of you need to change how you relate to other people, then do it. Unchecked boundaries can easily turn toxic thereby negatively changing your own relational values and habits.

Distrust develops progressively and can kill a relationship. What you have needs to be handled and the scars healed so that you don’t remain on the slippery road that could kill your intimacy.

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