KITOTO: How do I tell my step dad that I am pregnant?

I am pregnant again and he wants nothing to do with me. He has told me that he is not ready for a child, moved from the house he lived and also moved to another church. PHOTO | FILE 

What you need to know:

  • I am surprised that your aunt, being a Christian should not agree with your dad on values that the Bible teaches and espouses.
  • Your values are in conflict, your relationship with your dad is on the line and furthermore, she taking down a path of promiscuity.
  • I suggest that you speak with your dad by taking responsibility for your actions while your aunt takes hers.

Dear Kitoto,

I have several brief questions but explanation preceding the questions is long because I want you to capture my current dilemma.

I am a 23-year-old lady with one four-year-old child, had an abortion last year, currently I am two months pregnant, not married, living with my dad (not biological) and my mum died in 2009.

I have literally been brought up by my dad and he has been very good to me except that he is a very strict man.

After my mum died, my dad took the sole responsibility of bringing me up together with my two younger step-sisters. After my form four exam, I got pregnant but my boyfriend refused to take responsibility of the pregnancy.

I contemplated abortion and my maternal aunt supported me. However, just before I carried out the abortion, my dad discovered my pregnancy. He was mad and disappointed but demanded that I take responsibility for my pregnancy by keeping the child — according to him, an innocent soul cannot be punished for another person mistake.

I insisted on terminating the pregnancy but he gave me conditions — that I keep the pregnancy and he will support me but if I abort, then he will kick me out of his house and stop paying for my college education.

On the other hand, my aunt insisted that I should terminate the pregnancy by making it look like a miscarriage. However, the fear of being kicked out of home compelled me to keep my pregnancy; and my lovely son is now four years old.

Last year, my aunt convinced me to join the church she worships because according to her, there are many eligible young men who can marry me in that church.

She even helped me in hooking up with some; helped me to cover up where I was most nights when I had to meet the men by telling my father that I am staying at her house.

He always believed her because she is an in-law to him and a sister to my late mother. I got into a relationship with one of the men and I became pregnant in September last year. Just like the first man, he refused to take responsibility and my aunt helped me procure an abortion.

She continued linking me to ‘eligible’ men and in July this year I met one who looked serious. I am pregnant again and he wants nothing to do with me. He has told me that he is not ready for a child, moved from the house he lived and also moved to another church.

My aunt is trying to convince me to get another abortion. Her reason is that if I am going to have a chance of being married, I should not have two children from different fathers.

However, the guilt I went through after the abortion I had last year is making me to think twice although my aunt has a point.

Telling my dad is going to break his heart and I do not know how he will take it because he has supported me and my child with everything and he will think that I am taking advantage his kindness.

I am yet to finish college because I took a break to raise my child for the first two years and I do not have a job so that I can support myself.

Should I go ahead with the abortion as my aunt is advising me? Will I ever get a man to marry with two children from two different men? How can I approach my dad to tell him of my situation?

My dad is a detailed man and if I am to tell him, then I will have to tell him the role my aunt played in all my situation. How can I tell him in a way that I will not destroy the cordial relationship and the trust he has in my aunt?

Hi

Although strict, I must commend your dad for the responsibility he shouldered in raising you and your siblings. Not being your biological dad and yet putting his best foot forward is commendable.

Of course at you early age and looking at the kind of lifestyle you have adopted, your dad has every right to be apprehensive and tough with you.

I agree with your dad’s position in the matter of your pregnancy that you needed to take responsibility. Do remember, it took you and your boyfriend to conceive a baby.

It was just fair that you face the consequences of your deeds which I do not think you did, seeing the pregnancies that followed thereafter, leaving you a single mother with a child, an abortion and currently pregnant. One would have expected that you would have taken responsibility for both your child and your future choices.

A person’s values play a major part in whom they become. You have two mentors — your aunt and dad whose values are in direct conflict.

I am surprised that your aunt, being a Christian should not agree with your dad on values that the Bible teaches and espouses. Basically, what your aunt was teaching you is that life does not matter.

It was up to you not to make decisions out of fear but out of informed choices. For example, it was important for you to see your dad’s reasoning and threats from the side of a man wanting the best for the daughter and not necessarily becoming tough on you.

Personally, I do not see how you could not sense that your aunt was becoming a bad influence on you. For her to go to the extent of telling lies while you practised a life of disobedience is really sad.

I can confidently say that, although your aunt is your mum’s sister, she is a very bad influence on you.

Your aunt has you on a path of destroying your future. Your values are in conflict, your relationship with your dad is on the line and furthermore, she taking down a path of promiscuity.

Of course telling you dad is going to tear him down and break his heart. However, is it better this road than a road of lies and deceit. Guilt will haunt you as long as you remain on this path, continuously living this way and listening to your aunt.

My take is that, first, your aunt is not a genuine friend. She has already messed your life. Second, the truth will set you free.

What is the truth? That you listened to wrong seductive voices from men who left you after using you. The truth is also that, you listened to an aunt who taught you and took you down a path of promiscuity.

In addition, the truth is that your dad will be mad on hearing this. But, truth has a way of freeing us. Choose to walk in the truth.

As much as you acknowledge that you walked in deception, seek to live in the light and put your life on the right path of recovery. Choosing to walk this path of freedom will cost you. Nothing comes for free.

Accept to face the consequences of your actions. Covering for your aunt authenticates her actions. She will in turn mislead another young girl.

At some point she has to face your dad and seek an apology. After all she is much closer to you than your dad noting the fact that this is not your biological dad. Why would she do this to you?

I suggest that you speak with your dad by taking responsibility for your actions while your aunt takes hers. Their relationship may heal with time. But you need to get your life on the right course.

***

A combined effort of caregivers is needed to resolve teen crisis

For the last few years, the media has been flooded with news about our teenage children. Starting with the rebellion in homes where these young people challenged the authority of their parents and adult care givers, to clubbing and exposure to alcohol and hard drugs, pornography and crime.

The burning of schools, teenage pregnancies and immoral acts in schools and colleges have become the order of the day as most parents appear helpless and unable to control them.

President Uhuru this week alluded to the fact that the challenge is great and the Church needs to do more and maybe take back moral education and mentorships in our schools. To some extent I agree.

Other people argue that penalties for some youth who commit crimes should be tough enough to deter others. The result is the crowding of juvenile cells.

It is time for a national dialogue including parents, teaches, the spiritual leaders and may be law enforcers to understand the kind of world we live in today and the forces working against the child today.

It is important to be aware of the overwhelming external and internal struggles and problems our teens are exposed.

GREATEST CONCERN

It is these issues that make teens try to find a place of escape, a place of safety from these pressures. Some run away from home, other turn to computer games, online chatting with strangers; with some becoming easy targets of online predators who lead them into bad practices.

Others are cheated into underage sex that leads to increased teen pregnancies, addictions to drugs and harm practices like crime.

So what is of greatest concern? To respond by focusing and putting our efforts on resolving these issues our youth face; or to prepare our children for this rough and brutal world?

The iceberg that brought down the Titanic appeared tiny from the surface but had an amazing base hidden under the water. If only the pilot and crew were observant, asked the right question and acted based on knowledge, many would have been saved. The forces that shape a children are deeply rooted.

We must be intentional at facing this iceberg from all angles.

Parents need to provide quality time of instruction and preparation of the child with values and inner power to meet the internal and external forces that will come.

Teachers, whether at school or Church need to enhance the values and education needed by our children to make the right choices.

We need to move from seeing children as tools to accomplish our purposes to taking responsibility and give them the right skills to enable them confront the challenges they will face in the future.

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