Help! I can't get over the fact that she cheated on me

Dear Kitoto,

I have been reading your advice for a while now and must commend you for the good work you are doing solving many problems affecting society today.

I am a 35-year-old father of four. My wife, who is 31, and I have been married for 10 years and are both born-again Christians. I am in much need of your help to deal with a situation that is currently taking a toll on my well-being, and which is threatening the stability of my marriage.

My wife and I both come from poor backgrounds and started out humbly in our marriage. We have struggled through life and, by God's grace, have attained a modest status, living a fairly comfortable life without much struggle and can afford the necessities of life.

Earlier this year, my wife confessed to having cheated on me about six years ago. She cited her spiritual conviction and guilt tormenting her as her reason for the confession.

She further mentioned that she had prayed for forgiveness from God and had all along sought courage to make the confession to me but never mustered this courage until earlier this year. It is important to mention that my wife and I are very close and have always confided many things in each other. For the time we've been married she told me when other men made passes at her. We always made fun of those moments and laughed them off.

A few days following her confession, however, I was devastated and suffered a nervous breakdown. This greatly affected my ego and business and I could hardly concentrate on anything. My spiritual well-being also took a beating since I could hardly engage in daily prayer as I used to. My emotions ran wild as my thoughts went back to the exact time the affair happened. I had found a suspicious text message on her phone and confronted her about it because I suspected (rightly so, in retrospect) that she had been unfaithful.

It pains me now when I recall how hard she fought to defend herself, how hard she tried to cover up the truth. We resolved issues then and I chose, against my strong instincts, to believe that the affair never happened.

On subsequent occasions following that incident, I sought, time and again, full disclosure from her concerning the extent of her involvement, but she repeatedly assured me that the other man only made very strong advances at her, and that nothing happened.

The issue never left my mind and I only chose to avoid bringing it up since my wife would express displeasure every time I brought up the issue which, according to her, ought to have long been forgotten. It's been long and the matter was almost becoming a non-issue, until her confession.

Now, though I have chosen to forgive her out of the love I have for her, I find it extremely hard to put the matter completely behind me and I keep on having moments of great heartache whenever I remember all this. I find myself picturing them together and whenever this happens, I get very upset and withdrawn.

Please advise the best way I can put all this behind me and build the future I have always desired for my marriage.

Hi,

Thank you for the compliments. We do feel honoured that you are a regular reader of this column.

Having an area of commonality provides an avenue for couples to synergise and work together. Areas of common understanding are key to building unity and creating passion.

Therefore, being born- again provides both of you with a great opportunity to connect in the word of God and pray together.

Faith is core to the foundation of any marriage, particularly where the couple is in agreement concerning the values that their faith espouses.

Straying from such values is what brings deep contrition and guilt. It is clear that your wife’s actions breached these values of respect, faithfulness and truth, not only towards you, but also towards God.

As much as I do not approve of her actions that led her to cheat, I must commend her for coming clean on this issue. God expects us to walk in the light and I believe, live honestly with others and be true to God and his word.

Sin can bring a lack of true peace and joy in a relationship. Hiding this for these many years was, of course, not fair. But her freedom could only come by confession.

Before God, she went against her marital vows to you. Since she has asked for forgiveness, it is great that you extend that forgiveness.

However, what you are feeling now is normal. The feeling of betrayal is common in situations where one person walks out and defiles the marital bed.

Forgiveness becomes only the first step towards the path of reconciliation. This has to be followed by making a choice to not be the judge but one who extends mercy and walks on a road towards building trust.

Your hardest battle as a Christian will be the walk from forgiveness towards an expectation of responsible behaviour from her hereafter.

Take note that forgiving her does not mean that you approve of her actions.

Confession of sin, particularly to a person you have deeply hurt, is not easy. Conversely, forgiving a person very close to you who has deeply hurt you is not easy either.

Here you are, two people with a history of love and closeness but deeply hurt by the confession of a sin.

From a relational, and particularly Christian standpoint, I encourage you on the following: First, we all make mistakes and fall. However, we have a choice to retrace our steps to what is sensible and right.

Secondly, while confession is the result of the conviction that things need to be made right, forgiveness results from a choice to reconcile with your offender.

Forgiveness is, therefore, not based on whether I feel like or don’t feel like forgiving someone. However, forgiveness and trust are two separate issues. Trust must be rebuilt through daily responsible actions that follow the confession and forgiveness granted.

Thirdly, reconciliation is normally painful since it requires that one accept to reconnect with the offender. This pain that will constantly seek answers as to why she sinned and betrayed you can only be overcome by accepting the facts as they are and making a conscious choice to rebuild a much more responsible relationship.

I can definitely see your struggle and truly empathise with you. However, like a wound that must be cleaned until it heals, I trust that you will use the strengths in the relationship to rebuild. Your faith will be key. I also recommend that you see a Christian counsellor who can walk with you and help you re-establish fellowship.

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I love her, but we don't have a sex life

Thanks a lot for what your wonderful work that gives us hope and direction in our day-to-day lives. May God bless you.

I recently married a woman introduced and recommended to me by a friend. True to his assurance, she was good, has been good and actually and hopefully, will continue to be good. The problem is that we are not intimately connected and do not have a sex life. In fact, the number of times we have had sex can be counted. We got married in March this year. Kindly, what can I do since I feel out of place in this marriage?

Hi,

Sex is a physical as well as an emotionally intimate relationship. In addition, since sex is first in the mind before it turns physical, there will be moments of comparison based on current and past events.

For women, the state of the mind at that moment in relation to the desired sexual intimacy is key. The need to feel loved, appreciated and affirmed is part of that intimacy.

Since the mind plays an important part, the question is whether she is coming from a past of abuse. Remembering past abuse can cause trauma that will affect intimacy due to fear that is associated with that abuse.

The idea here is to involve communication in your journey towards full and open disclosure regarding all issues in the past that bring back fear or memories of abuse.

In other cases, there could be a fear of past hurt. Maybe a past hurtful experience that could make her non-responsive.

This could be associated with a previous relationship that left bad memories. In addition, there could be fear emanating from present pain that could make sex unattractive. You might need to find out whether your being intimate leaves her in pain.

To get to the bottom of this lack of mutually satisfying sexual intimacy, I would suggest that you and your wife take time to talk through her experiences and see whether there are any fears associated with it.

It might also be that you are too much in a hurry, and this leaves her either hurt or unfulfilled. As a result, keeping off seems a good idea. I suggest that you never give up but involve her in a journey of both of you seeking answers with our pressuring each other.

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