KITOTO: I abused, humiliated and cheated on him … and now I want him back

Hi Kitoto,

I'm a huge fan of yours. I'm a 25-year-old lady and dated a certain guy for four years before we broke up.

To be honest, I am the one who cheated on him and things got really ugly between us. I abused and humiliated him.

After three months of being apart, I had a change of heart and so I called him and apologised for everything. He forgave me, but by this time he had met another woman and moved on. He has asked me to give him some time to sort things out, even though I am not sure exactly what this means.

I want him to break up with his current girlfriend and come back to me. I know this sounds selfish considering that this lady was by his side when I had broken his heart, but we have met up a few times and talked things out. What I don't understand is how much time he needs.

All I want is for him to let me know if we can get back together because I now realise that I really love him and want to be with him.

Should I move on or give him time to decide? Can this relationship really be fixed? I regret cheating on him and I don't have anything to do with the guy I had an affair with.

Hi

Thank you for being a huge fan of this forum. We are not here merely to entertain but to create a space where people can interact with the issues others face and learn something that can help them better their relationships.

The truth is that the issues that affect relationships today may appear similar, but they affect each individual differently. The hope is that our ability to create a learning culture will increase our awareness of the available resources in building healthy and durable relationships.

God’s desire was for us to allow certain values like love, commitment and endurance to permeate social relations.

Now, the fact that you cheated on this man with another man and went further to humiliate him must have been not only emotionally hurtful, but also injurious to the man’s ego.

However, your acknowledgment of fault and weakness on your part is the first step in remedying your life, not just so that you may have this man back, but so that you can be a decent woman of integrity.

Right now, you are consumed with having this man back into your life for personal reasons. My gut feeling is that you are courting hurt and pain in the future either for yourself, or for him. Three months of being a part is not too long, but the reasons that made you part ways are the real issue.

Falling into an affair with another man and humiliating your boyfriend must have felt like being in a boxing ring and receiving a double blow that knocks you out flat on the floor.

Healing from an adulterous relationship takes time if your desire is for the both of you to rebuild a long-term relationship.

As much as the issue can be overcome, it requires a joint effort and determination. You may want to come back but this man must be determined to rebuild the broken trust.

Faithfulness comes out of a decision we make, but it must be lived out consistently for it to work. The fact that this man has said that he needs time may be revealing for you. He is already in another relationship. You could end up being in the same situation later on for lack of attention.

My suggestion is that you learn to forgive yourself and start rebuilding your life. Don’t do it to get him back. Do it because you desire to live differently.

This could just end up being your turning point to living a life of purpose in relationships. Commit to setting for yourself values that would lead you to live differently and with dignity. What you seek to become could just be the door-opener to your future happiness.

It may be that this man will be part of that future. Or not. I fear for you if the changes you are hoping to make could just be cosmetic and not there to benefit you in your journey of build a new you.

I suggest that you concentrate on yourself and let him make his decision. He will choose you if he really thinks that you are worth being a part of his life. If so, let him come to you based on the terms of the new you.

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Age is nothing but a number, but watch out for potential pitfalls

Hi Kitoto,

Thanks so much for the good work you have been doing encouraging us in our relationships. I have two questions; one, is dating a girl with whom you have an age difference of between one and two years acceptable and practical? Secondly, is it alright to date a girl you met on social media platforms like Facebook? I look forward to your reply.

Hi

Thank you for the kind compliments. Relationships that embrace such values are bound to succeed and enjoy fruitfulness

My hope for today’s youth such as yourself is for a realisation that acknowledges the fact that life is not a rehearsal. Each day we live leaves us one day older and robs us of time that we can never recover.

Age difference in relationships is key but not necessarily the determinant on whether two people should get married or not.

When it comes to a life partner, everything boils down to personal choice based on a certain criteria established by the individual.

It is said that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Therefore, what may appear pleasing to one may not necessarily be pleasing to the other. What matters for each person in a relationship is the agreement reached on the core values they can or cannot tolerate.

On the other hand, marrying someone much older than you has its own consequences. It is therefore important to ask oneself whether we are able to handle such consequences that may include opposing views from friends or family.

However, convincing oneself on the reasons of marrying someone older is key and basic to how that relationship will be lived and managed.

If we are unable to defend our choices, no one else will do it on our behalf in the same way we could have done it ourselves. As far as you are concerned, a one or two-year age difference should not be cause for alarm.

Finding a date through social media has its own challenges. If you first met face to face or at least made an effort to meet face to face, using social media to engage in relationships helps to enhance connectivity.

On the other hand, if the relationship is run entirely on social media without any form of physical contact, then it may be limiting and, at times, ends up disappointing those involved. Although great in interpersonal communication, social media can heighten or underplay certain aspects of a relationship that, in reality, could be a challenge to attain.

My suggestion is that a good balance between face-to-face meetings and the use of social media will help built strong and healthy connections.

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Making informed choices in relationships

Many relationships die as soon as they start, while others die along the way depending on the choices that we make. These choices are basically the result of several factors:

1. Not everything that glitters is gold: Authenticity is key to any relationship. But it takes time to know what really lies behind each person or drives what they do. It is said that, of all the senses that we have, we are most enticed by what we see. We see a nice dress or shirt … we want it. We see a beautiful lady or handsome man … we pursue them. As a result, we take short cuts, manipulate and even lie to get ahead.

What we look at and like causes us to thirst and crave for it. Somehow, every other sense is muted by this intense drive. The right way however is to use wisdom and understanding to subject what we see to logical thought.

2. No is a complicated two letter word: By saying no, you are creating a boundary. Many people may not like hearing the word “No” said to them.

In other instances, many others don’t like saying it either. As much as saying “No” puts us back in charge of the direction of our lives, not saying it could be detrimental. Saying “No” to your partner may be discomforting and lead to misunderstanding.

However, we must remember what is at stake if we do not say this little word. The complication comes when we think that going along with our partner’s requests will be good for the relationship. The truth is, it could just be a way of bringing complications that may be difficult to undo.

Each one must realise that “No” is one way of getting back our control, our voice, and direction.

3. Choices create, or kill, opportunities: Albert Camus said that, “Life is the sum of all your choices.” Someone else also said that choices are the hinges of destiny. Making a certain choice to do something, walk with someone, or not to take a certain path in life could open unimaginable doors for someone.

Opportunities that present themselves can be pleasant or not. Therefore, knowing the power of choice helps us choose with care. Some things have a way of coming back to haunt us. So, Flora Whitte notes that, the doors we open and close each day decide the kind of lives that we live.

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