I don’t think the two of you should get married

Hello Kitoto,

I'm 28, my girlfriend is in her mid-twenties. We have been together for the better half of our lives. Our love life has been full of drama and many separations emanating from issues with her family and misunderstandings between us, though we end up re-uniting.

While I was in college, she had an affair and got pregnant, but apologised for cheating on me after she delivered her child. Because I loved her, I decided to give our relationship another chance. Things went smoothly until she decided to introduce me to her parents in preparation for marriage.

A day to the visit, one of her cousins made false accusations against me, bringing the visit to a stop. A few months later, my girlfriend left for Tanzania without my knowledge, staying there for a year-and-a-half.

We barely communicated during this time. She told me that she worked in a hair salon, only to later reveal to me that she had, in fact, a well-paying job in a hotel. The plan to settle down together collapsed again after I declined to be introduced to her parents in her absence by the very cousin who prevented the previous visit.

By then, she had submitted her resignation letter as she prepared to return to the country. She became so furious when she learnt that I had refused to visit her parents in her absence, that we separated again. Six months later, she contacted me again, saying she loves only me. Because I also love her, I agreed to revive our relationship though I don't trust her.

Her love for material things also stresses me a lot, and I suspect that she values them over me. As I write this, we have not talked to each other for the last four days. What should I do?
D.R.I.W

Hi,
Relationships are founded on trustworthiness and commitment, neither of which I sense is in your relationship. There is a lot in your union that fails to meet the basic threshold for a maturing relationship. I agree that forgiveness is a key element in a healthy relationship, but I feel the two of you do not take responsibility over the commitments you make.

There are several issues the two of you need to address to move forward.

First, your girlfriend had an affair and gave birth to another man’s child. I sense that this issue has not been dealt with fully. It is also clear that you two had a very unstable relationship even before this pregnancy.

The interference by your girlfriend’s cousin is also worrying. It is also strange that this cousin would be the one introducing you to her parents in the absence of your girlfriend. It just doesn’t sound right.

MARRIAGE

What bothers me right now, though, is your definition of love and what constitutes a relationship that could lead to marriage. There is a sense of dishonesty in the way the two of you are dealing with each other. Just how much do you really know about each other and is what you know enough to sustain a marriage? From a counsellor’s perspective, I don’t think so.

I am an unhappy second wife …

Pastor Kitoto,
I am 24 years, a second wife to a 38-year-old man. He and his first wife have three children while I have one with him. We love each other but I'm not comfortable in this marriage. I feel that I should leave him but we have a daughter together, I would not want her to live without a father’s love. Should I stay or move on?

Hello,

Although more people, depending on their beliefs, are embracing polygamy, the practical application of such a marriage is challenging for most. What you now face is a clash between your desire to remain for the sake of your child’s stability, and your conviction regarding the type of marriage you are in.

Your dilemma can only be solved if you are honest with yourself about what you feel about polygamy and the challenges it comes with.

I feel that your love for this man blinded you such that you did not think through the consequences of your decision to become a second wife. What you are experiencing now is the awakening of your values. I can assure you that you are not the only one in a dilemma, this man’s first wife must also be asking herself some hard questions regarding her marriage.

You need to confront this matter head on. Ask yourself whether you would rather be unhappy as a second wife for the sake of your child, or whether you would rather be happy living alone with your child. Your husband is responsible for your child whether you are married to him or not.

Your inner freedom as a person, I believe, is key. There is no need to remain in a relationship of convenience just because you want to provide for your child.

Why do women keep rejecting me?

I am 24, but have been unable to get a good woman I can marry in future. I believe that it is because I have focused on my faith walk with God and my job. Every time I approach someone, I am rejected. Where could I be going wrong?

Hi,

It is okay to feel the way you do. Most men tend to be shy in the presence of women particularly if one did not grow up with sisters or was made to be wary of women.

I feel that it is too early to get discouraged. First, you are young, second, you have a desire to date and be in a steady relationship that will lead to marriage. Third, it is clear that you are attracted to the opposite sex. This is a great start.

I suggest that you start by being clear about the kind of qualities you are looking for in a wife. You also need to start socialising with people that value the same things you do since this is the only way you will meet like-minded women. Your spiritual quest is important, and I believe it will add value in your search. Learn to trust and believe in God to be your guide.

If you find someone you are physically attracted to, do not let your desire override your self-control, neither should you let your fear discourage you from getting to know that person.

If you meet someone that fits the description of the kind of woman you would want in your life, then ask her out for a cup of tea or find out more about her from someone in your social circles.

Keep your connection casual until you are sure this person is the right one before you ask her out on the date. All the best.

My girlfriend cheated on me with my best friend

Kitoto,
I had been dating this girl for a month-and-a-half, only to realise that she had multiple affairs with one of my closest friends. My saddest moment was when I found them kissing in her room. I felt betrayed, humiliated and disappointed. My friend ended up leaving her, and she came back to me to seek forgiveness and begged me to take her back. I have tried to forgive both of them, but it is impossible because my heart is heavy. I simply don’t trust both of them.

Hi,

From your email, it is clear that you carry a lot of pain and hurt. There is little that is as painful as finding out that the person you love is cheating on you with your close friend.

Besides the betrayal, there is also humiliation. Your girlfriend wronged you, she should have ended things with you rather than go behind your back with your friend.

Only you is in charge of how you feel, I suggest that you work on letting go of the pain you feel, otherwise it will become an emotional burden that will affect all aspects of your life.

I also suggest that you let go of your relationship with your girlfriend unless you do some deep soul searching and reach a place of complete healing. Even then, it will take the two of you to accomplish this.

You have to come to that place of feeling safe in her presence again before you commit again. If you are unable to manage your pain, I suggest that you seek help from a counsellor, don’t bottle it up.

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