KITOTO: I’ve just learnt of my wife’s earlier marriage

Greetings,

Thanks for the good work.

I have learnt from a reliable source that my wife of 10 years, with whom I have two children, was married for two years before we met. That has greatly affected our relationship and the way I see her now.

Kindly advise because my love for her has died, and I’m holding on only because of my daughters.

Hi,

The feelings you have right now are common when someone discovers something like that. The first thought that is likely to come to mind is, “What a hypocrite!” And truth be told, I believe you have a right to be disappointed.

However, I believe that disclosure is a two-way street.

I have discovered that people in relationships make disclosures based on two premises: First is the need-to-know basis. This is where a person says to himself or herself, “I will disclose only what I want you to know, or only what you ask.” The rest remains securely hidden, never to be mentioned unless something happens.

Second is forced disclosure, which occurs accidentally, thereby necessitating voluntary disclosure or disclosure through interrogation. This can be ugly and leave scars if not done carefully. I guess this is where you are at now.

But I don’t know how reliable your source is. Are they an interested party? Knowing the authenticity of your source is key to understanding the facts and the reasons behind such disclosure.

Now that you know, the question to ask yourself is, “Would things have been different had I not known? Would I behave differently if I discovered it was all a lie? How does my knowing change all that we have had together?

Truth be told, we have all messed up at some point or other, but somehow found our way out and maybe got a second chance. Your wife has been with you faithfully for 10 years and God has blessed you with children.

Since your wife had already left the other relationship and is totally disconnected from it, I believe she deserves a second chance.

You might need to express your disappointment, but make a conscious choice to forgive her rather than seek revenge.

Although I am not justifying what she did, she might have had her reasons for the limited disclosure. But, whatever the case, embracing her will speak affirmation.

***

She has left me although I still want to marry her

Hi,

I’ve been in an eight-year relationship with a woman I really wanted to marry. We had even introduced each other to our parents.

Recently, we quarrelled following a misunderstanding. I suggested that we take a two-week break from each other and talk after that. But to my surprise, when I reached out to her after the break, her response was not what I expected.

After two days she told me to go and look for another woman, yet before the break she had promised to marry me. I still love her and wish to convince her to come back. What would you advise me to do?

Enock

Hi,

I am not in a position to tell the emotions your girlfriend is undergoing. As a result, it might be hard to project what might happen.

However, looking at how far you had gone in your relationship, one would think that no one introduces a stranger to his/her parents.

Eight years is a long time to be together. By this time relating should be much better. Time should have given you advantage to get to know her well and the way she responds to issues.

Is this the first time you were doing the introductions? Had you agreed on the agenda beforehand? At times surprises can be an issue.

I suggest that you take time to evaluate the issues that caused the stalemate, which led to the disagreement, and finally to the separation. How did the separation happen? What started it?

You also have to consider the fact that, since you are the one who asked her to stay away for a period, this might have hurt her. Could it have caused her some embarrassment?

The only way out is to approach her and seek an audience. If she is not willing to talk, just give her time. Pestering her will not help. She has to accept you back into her life voluntarily.

I strongly believe that an honest, steady relationship of eight years should leave or provide an opportunity for dialogue.

***

My first love broke my heart; can I still find a good man?

Dear Philip,

I am a single 34-year-old woman with a five-year-old son.

I broke up with my boyfriend shortly after my son was born. He was my first love and I loved him with my whole being, not knowing he was playing with my heart.

I was so heartbroken that I have never dated again. I feel I need to move on but I fear being left heartbroken again.

I have raised my son single-handed and we cut communication many years ago.

I need your genuine advice on this: will I be able to get a loving and caring man again?

Desperate Lady

Hi,

Several issues need to be attended to as you desire to move on with your life.

First, separation is both heart-wrenching and at times even ugly to go through. It is not clear from your narration what brought about the separation. The idea here is to identify those roadblocks and how they affected you.

The next thing is to walk through those issues and see the impact they had on you and deal with it.

The second issue is to work on your self-esteem and start affirming yourself. You must be the first person to love yourself. When you accept and love yourself, it boosts your self-esteem and the way you present yourself to other people.

Fear is a product of many things; one being a fear associated with personal inadequacies that could lead to failure. All you have to realise is that you are as good in a relationship as you present yourself. Make it your aim to present yourself as a confident and focused woman.

Finally, once you are in a position to manage your emotions, build relationships wisely and watch out for any triggers that might make you want to retreat into your old self. No two people are the same.

However, knowing what you can or cannot tolerate is key. Be clear about the place your child takes in your life and where others place him.

At five years, your son is an interested party. As much as he might need a father, it must be a man who will love both of you and treat you with respect.

Therefore, I suggest that you evaluate the impact a new relationship will have on you and your son. Try not to think selfishly on this issue. It is advisable that your son be involved. You have come too far to mess up or have someone mess you up.

Choose your friends with prayer and much care. Do not be in a hurry or look overly desperate to get a man. This could end up being an avenue for manipulation. This will require that you remain alert and wise in your dealings.

In the meantime, strive to manage your feelings, particularly when you are around people of the opposite sex who could compromise your stand.

Send your relationship questions to [email protected]