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I love my girlfriend more than my wife

Monday February 24 2020

marriage

In situations where our current relationship is experiencing some head winds, we tend to hunger for something more. PHOTO | FILE | NATION MEDIA GROUP  

PHILIP KITOTO
By PHILIP KITOTO
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Hi Pastor Kitoto,

I am 26 years old and I have been in a relationship with my 23-year-old girlfriend for three years. My dilemma is that I love my girlfriend more than I love my wife. My wife, who is 26 as well, was forced on me by my parents because we got a child together. What do I do to get to get rid of my wife?

Hi there,

It is good that you have not denied being your child’s father. Whatever you feel about your wife, you have a responsibility towards your child.

You blame your parents for your unhappy marriage, but I have a feeling that you are entirely to blame for the situation you are in.

I suspect that you heeded your parents’ advice and married your wife, but then this other younger woman came into the picture.

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You probably have a great thing going, but you don’t see it now. I also believe that you once loved your wife, otherwise you wouldn’t have gotten into a relationship with her.

The fact is that the grass always seems greener on the side when, in fact, it is not.

There will always be more attractive people than our spouses, but does that mean you should keep divorcing or separating to get this person that you feel is better?

No, you simply learn to manage your feelings and responses to the people you meet as you go about this business called life.

You need self-control, a man or woman without self-control is like a tap left running, it will flood the house. We should never let our feelings override our sound judgement.

UNRESOLVED ISSUES
In situations where our current relationship is experiencing some head winds, we tend to hunger for something more.

This is what leaves us vulnerable to falling for someone else out of marriage.

There are those that argue an affair fulfils a need that is neglected in their current relationship. And as much as this could be true, it is also true that if you give your marriage the attention it deserves, you will eventually learn to nurture what you’re missing.

Think about it, what you feel about your girlfriend, you probably felt the same way about your wife when you were dating, before your child came along.

My proposal is that you seek to understand the issues behind what you feel. It could be that some issues remain unresolved.

If this is the case, you need to deal with them. If you cannot resolve the problems you have in your marriage, you won’t be able to resolve the problems that arise should you decide to walk away from your family and marry this woman you say you love.

Although no one can force you to stay in a marriage you consider loveless, be careful not to allow mere feelings to blind you into making a wrong decision.

* * * *

How do I tell my girlfriend that I don’t love her without hurting her?

I am a university student. My girlfriend and I met in high school. I was in Form Four, she in Form Three when we began our relationship. My problem is that she moved into my hostel room and has no signs of leaving. She has been here a whole semester. I also don't love her, but I am afraid of breaking her heart. How do I go about this considering the fact that we’re in the same university?

Hi,

I would think that such a living arrangement would be out of mutual agreement, surely she could not have forced her way into your room?

I am of the opinion that you knew exactly knew what you were doing when you allowed her to overstay her welcome yet you didn’t love her.

You took advantage of her and have wasted her time - worrying about how she will feel when you end the relationship is a bit too late.

The best thing to do is to part ways as peacefully as possible. After this, you need to seriously think about what you want in a relationship and what love means to you – one of the qualities of true love is that it waits.

And there is more to a relationship than “feelings”. The mistake most young people make today is failure to appreciate that relationships are built on trustworthiness, consistency of character and a faith that the future will get its stability from the values they lay down today.

Let this be a learning that will motivate you to live a much respectable and accountable life in future.

* * * *
Why are women not interested in me?

Dear Kitoto,

I am a 32-year-old man who has not been able to find any meaningful relationship. Most women I meet are either interested in just friendship, which hurts very much. I really long to have a serious relationship that will lead to marriage. My question is, how long should I wait to tell a lady friend about my feelings towards her? In an article you wrote last year, you said that great relationships start with friendship - how can I make my friend my girlfriend?

Hi,

I will say it again: great relationships are built on friendship. The first factor that contributes to a robust and healthy relationship, including friendship, is trust.

When mistrust is detected in a relationship, it causes a disconnect that could lead to isolation and emotional distance, eventually, the two people will end up parting way.

What kind of friend are you? Are you trustworthy, for instance? Are you a consistent reliable friend? Are you focused? Do you bring the best out of your friends? Is your behaviour beyond reproach?

Do your value your women friends and do you respect them? What kind of communicator are you? Communication is the glue that holds people together.

For any relationship to thrive, there has to be robust and effective communication, otherwise the relationship will fall by the wayside.

A strong friendship is where two people are comfortable enough to voice their disappointment, likes and dislikes.

EVALUATE YOURSELF

Without effective communication, people you are likely to walk in the dark. If you’re a poor communicator, you can be sure that your female friends will want nothing to do with you.

I would also advise you to evaluate your values and goals. Also, what kind of personality do you have? Are you a pleasant person to be around?

What about how you present yourself? Your friends might also be rejecting you due to how you propose for a deeper relationship.

Do you make them feel special? Do they feel that you are serious about the proposal?

Also to consider is that those women you have approached may not be interested in a long-term relationship and the signs could be there but you are ignoring them.

Once you have evaluated yourself, evaluate the women you get attracted to – could it be that you’re interested in the wrong women?

Do you have a relationship question? Email [email protected]

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