KITOTO: I recently learned that my husband lives off women

Dear Kitoto,

I have been married for close to two years now. My husband, (we married at the AG’s office) works in Western Kenya while I live and work in Nairobi.

He visits from time to time but when he does, he stays in the house the entire day, only to leave in the evening to go drink with his friends, returning home at 3am or 4am.

He does not support me in any way – he does not buy food, pay rent or pay school fees for his daughter from a previous relationship, who I live with, and my son, who I got from another relationship. All he does is fuel his car.

We have a baby together, who is seven months old, but he does not bother with her.

Recently, I learnt that he has affairs with multiple women, some of these are older women, whom he gets money from, while others are pretty young. I have tried to forgive him because he apologised, but I can’t.

When we got married, I cut off my son’s father from our lives at this man’s advice, even though he was very supportive and wanted to marry me. My son will be meeting his dad soon, and both are excited.

Will I be overreacting if I kicked my husband out together with his elder daughter? Also, is it wise to get back with my son’s father?

Hi there,

With three children, one would expect your husband to show some level of responsibility. It appears that he enjoys the life of a parasite, rather than providing for you.

While I commend you for your hardworking nature, I am afraid that you might end up with a broken heart for a long time if you fail to address the issues affecting your relationship with urgency.

You need to address the issue of dishonesty, lack of communication, lack of responsibility, unfaithfulness, as well as lack of values that guide every marriage and family unit.

You could consider getting a counsellor to help you navigate through these problems and set some benchmarks that you need to grow your marriage.

However, he needs to be ready to change; to be there for you and your children spiritually, emotionally and physically, otherwise this marriage simply will not work.

That said, the re-entry of your former lover in your life may only further complicate your life.

If indeed he was that caring and responsible, why did the two of you part ways? There must have been a valid reason.

I however don’t see a problem with him rebuilding a relationship with his son.

He is the father after all.

Right now, you need to defend your emotional side; remember you are a wounded woman and may not be thinking straight. I suggest that you take time to reflect on what went wrong in your marriage and seek the help of a counsellor to begin your healing process.

Hi Pastor Kitoto,

I am 21, and in a fake relationship with two men. One is employed and claims to love me though I don’t believe him, because sometimes we even go for days without talking. Also, when socialising with others, he spends more time with other women than me. The second man also claims to love me but we hardly talk nor text nor hangout; he only contacts me when in need. I somehow like him though he does not make me feel as if I mean anything to him. But this is not my only problem. I get attracted to other men, but the relationships only end up being about sex, where I am the side chick. Please help me.

Hello,

As I read your e-mail, I wonder whether you have taken the time to define the kind of life and future you would like to have. Knowing whether someone is good for you or is relationship/marriage material is beyond how your body reacts when with that person. It is about making wise and intelligent choices. Some of the questions you need to ask yourself include: ‘Why is this person better than the other?’ ‘What makes this person trustworthy than the other?’

Physical attraction by itself is not enough to determine whether a person is right for you or not. I think you need to do better homework on the qualities you are looking for in a boyfriend. If you are not clear on what you want, you will soon be disillusioned. True, there are no perfect men, neither are there perfect relationships, however, there are basic qualities that one should have.

Here are some questions to help you:

1. Do the two of you share a core vision and beliefs?

2. Do you feel respected for who you are or are you and your contributions to the relationship treated with disdain?

3. Does what you have in common surpass what you disagree on?

4. Do you feel you are challenged and growing in this relationship?

5. Are you at your very best when together or do you feel intimidated and belittled?

6. Do you feel respected and valued in the relationship or more like part of the furniture in the room?

Hi Kitoto,

Thank you for always offering comfort to those in need. I have been married for three years, and my husband and I have a two-year-old daughter. When I got married to my husband, I trusted him, but immediately after marriage, several women turned up at my doorstep, looking for him.

When I asked him what that was all about, he told me to concentrate on building our home, since I was his only wife. He works in another town, and four months ago, I came across a picture of him in bed with a neighbour.

I confronted him about it, but he denied having an affair in spite of the evidence. He only owned up and apologised after I involved his mother.

Afterwards, I would call him and a woman would answer his phone and ask me to leave her husband alone. Two weeks ago, a woman called me and informed me that she was two months pregnant with my husband’s child.

She claimed that he had lied to her he wasn’t married, until she saw photos of me and my daughter in his phone. Initially, he told her that I was his cousin, and our daughter his niece. He only told the truth when my husband’s colleagues assured her that he was married.

This woman told me that my husband has no respect for me, that he tells her that no matter what he does, I forgive him, and that he is only with me because his mother wants me to stay married to him.

We had a reconciliation meeting with his relatives, and when I asked him if he wanted me and my daughter to leave, he begged me for forgiveness and I decided to give him a last chance. As it is, all I feel towards him is hate.

Several times, I have been treated for STDs that he has infected me with, and fear that if I stay in this marriage, I will eventually get HIV.

Do you think a man with such behaviour can change? Is it possible to forgive and forget such infidelity? Should I walk away and raise my daughter alone? After all, I have a good job and believe I can offer her a good life.

Hi,

Can people who have fallen in sin change? Will your husband change? Your guess is as good as mine. God is the one who changes a person when they accept to change. Change can never be forced. It seems that this man has learned the art of living whatever life he wants and then walking back into your life to wound you more.

This man has chosen the kind of life he wants to live, so I  suggest that you get yourself together and confront the fact that forgiveness can never be meaningful to a man who is good at abusing the same forgiveness he has been given.

 I also suggest that you consider why you think those who are advising you to leave him are the only ones who think they deserve him. That said though, is there anything left in him you think is worth fighting for?

Without being influenced, I suggest that you list down what works, and doesn’t workm for you in this relationship. Also, what is there in him that, if it were to change, you would be happily married?

Since nothing comes without a sacrifice, what would you be willing to pay or forego to save your marriage?  Answer these questions truthfully and you will know what you need to do to end this anguish once and for all.