KITOTO: I want my son to ditch deadbeat dad's name

Hi,

I am the mother of a 9-month-old son. My problem is that my baby’s father is no longer interested in my life and that of his son ever since he walked out on us never to be seen again. What is strange is that we never quarrelled. He quietly up and left one day and has gone silent ever since. I have decided to move on with my life, but since he is the one who named our son, this issue has become a thorn in my flesh. Kindly advise me on what to do.

Hi,

First of all, moving on will require that you deal with the pain and disappointment that came with this separation. It appears that you are not completely aware of the issues that led to this separation.

However, making it your priority to deal with any backlogs resulting from this will help you sober up and be clear-minded in facing your future. A clear and focused mind will be essential. Questioning the past and asking why things happened the way they did will only retard your forward momentum.

Secondly, one of the salient issues remains the fact that this man is the biological father to your child. Significantly, parents have been known to end up getting angry with their teenage or grown-up children who have demanded to know more about their absentee parents. This has caused a recurrence of pain and a reminder of all the unprocessed issues from the past thereby soiling once-great relationships. Keeping a clean heart is essential in handling any eventualities that could mess up your future.

Issues about the education and upkeep of your child will need to be addressed. Do you want him to assume some financial responsibility? If yes, then it is key to handle this well and not from a point of anger.

Many men who have walked out of their relationships in this manner never wanted a permanent relationship in the first place. Their needs were temporal and commitment extremely shallow. I suggest that you choose to move on with the understanding that the road ahead will require patience and a mature approach to issues.

Finally, I am not sure what issues you have about the names that your child was given. I can only assume that they remind you of the unpleasant past. Some people have customary or religious views on names and naming. I trust this is an issue that you should not worry so much about. I have met parents who have changed their children’s names and children who, later in life, have done the same.

***

I am ready to settle down, but her hesitance worries me

Hi,

I am 26-year-old man and a university graduate. I have just secured my first job with a local organisation and would finally like to settle down with a suitable woman. There is a lady I am interested in, my girlfriend of three years, but she does not seem ready or willing to get married just yet. She claims she loves me, but she is often disrespectful of me. She constantly threatens to leave whenever we have issues. I have told her of my plans to take her home and officially introduce her to my family, but she behaves as if she is unwilling to take that next step. Please advise me on what to do.

Hi,

Before you proceed with any plans of having this lady visit your home, you have to deal with two glaring issues.

First, it is scary to build a relationship with a partner who does not respect you and constantly gives threats. Although I am not sure of the manner in which she gives these threats, it is clear from your side that both of you are not on the same page.

There is need for you to find out the genesis of these threats. You have mentioned the insecurities she has and this is key in establishing if the insecurities are connected to the threats to leave. In addition, could these threats be connected to you and the way you treat her?

Is she insecure of your movements, associations or even behaviours when around her or other people? Threats and insecurities in relationships seem to be related. I suggest that you evaluate how you treat her around other people and any behaviour that could compromise how she feels about you.

Secondly, having said all that, the genesis of all this could also be inherent in her and has nothing to do with you. I wonder whether her actions have anything to do with her desire to leave you because she has her future elsewhere. Saying no to a person may be hard, but giving threats and appearing distant is a normal way many opt to take to send a signal that they are no longer interested.

Could she be in another relationship or it is just a feeling that, “I am not ready to spend my whole life with this man”? All this is for you to find out.

The insecurities and threats are just symptoms that there exists a problem that you need to address. I suggest that you put everything on hold and do just that.

At 26 years, do not appear to be in a hurry. If this is what three years of dating had to reveal, then accept the revelations and use that to make a wise decision for yourself.

Three ways to keep your relationship on course

1. Keep your relationship on a sober path

There is so much secrecy and selfishness in the way relationships are being run. The result is that many people are being left wounded and hurt.

We cannot underrate the need for authentic relationships where safety is communicated through actions and the motives that drive those actions. Opportunity to vent but also for building accountability, growth and maturity must prevail.

We live is a world that is fast-changing and so are its people and their attitudes to relationships. Therefore, values, preferences, and ways of living are changing and destabilising many along the way. To survive, people push their agenda without thinking of the needs of the other person and how they feel. New behaviours that are acquired along the way cloud the relationship leaving many in much pain.

A sober mind in today’s generation is a rare find. The hurry with which things are being done is a clear example of the lack of patience and endurance in relationships.

This, in addition to the inadequate preparation, is producing a half-baked generation that is unprepared to persevere through the lessons of life.

The risk of exposure to the harsh urban life and its complexities is leaving behind broken families. This can only be overcome as we bring back reason based on sober thinking.

2. Create clear life goals

Clear life-goals help create opportunities for a relationship to grow through the challenges of life. Knowing that nothing comes easy is foundational in setting relational goals that result into maturity and not just shallow gains that do not last.

Most people seem well prepared for education, career and many other areas of life. Sadly, many don't really take time to prepare for marriage.

We have to realise that the stability of marriage is dependent upon the investments made just like a piece of ground requires manure to rejuvenate the soil’s productivity.

Relationship experts agree that tired bodies make us retreat into our cocoons, become irritable, face burnout and stress. Our marital goals must take into account the current environment many marriages find themselves in.

Marriage is as much a spiritual union as it is a physical and emotional one. Lack of spiritual insight into the future of a marriage can make us ungrateful, anxious and short-sighted in the choices we make.

In this life, we are not called to live by default, live an aimless life, or just survive. One of my favourite quotes by Dr Warren in the book Learning to Live with the Love of Your Life emphasises that, “When two dream and envision together, they merge the resources of their deepest, most positive centres. They each have tremendous personal power when they access the core emotions and longings of their individual centres.”

3. Do not dwell on criticism

Life is never fair and people will never be perfect. Therefore, the feelings of disappointment, frustration, or even anger that result from poorly managed relationships will demand a sober and positive approach to seeking reconnection.

The picture here is that, your spouse is still your equal partner in the gift of eternal life and God requires you to treat them as such.

As a result, their contribution and support to the building of a great marriage is crucial. Marriage doesn’t just happen! We must take bold steps to live life and the choice to move from self-centeredness to other people.

Send your relationship questions to [email protected]