I’m stuck with a gambling and irresponsible partner

Dear Kitoto,

I do not know you, but I feel that I am at the end of my rope. I hope you can help me to find a solution.

I am 30 and in a relationship with a man aged 27. I have so many issues I do not know where to start.

We have been in this relationship for the past three years and we have a child aged two. The child lives with my mother, who is well off and lives comfortably.

My job does not pay well, so I am not financially stable. In fact, cannot make ends meet, yet I want to provide for my son and live independently.

That I am not able to do so right now bothers me a lot. My son is about to join school, but I can barely pay the fees. I have some ideas and hopefully in the next three months, I will successfully open a business.

The second problem is my fiancé — the father of my son. He has many issues to deal with and I have been trying to solve them in the past three years to no avail.

When we met, I had just broken up with a man who had been abusive, oppressive, and mean despite working for an international company.

I never intended to enter into another relationship when we broke up, but the man who is now my fiancé stood up for me. This is his only positive attribute.

He does not tolerate gossip about me and always defends me. He does not allow anyone to disrespect me. He defends me when people are against me. But that is just it.

We are not compatible. I am a graduate and he is a Class Eight leaver. He operates a boda boda (motorcycle taxi), which earns him about Sh300 a day.

I am ashamed of his occupation, which is one of the things I thought I could change about him when I talked myself into entering this relationship, but it has not worked.

I discovered a number of things about him when I was pregnant. One, he has a gambling addiction. Although he works hard, he does nothing with his money except gamble. As a result, he owns nothing. He sells everything he has, and sometimes my things, to fuel his addiction.

Two, he used deception to endear himself to me. He lied about his age, level of education, and previous relationships and continues to lie. When we get into an argument, he will use lies to wriggle out of a tight corner. I found out that he had made another girl pregnant.

Three, he is irresponsible. He has an I-don’t-care attitude. He runs away from problems instead of trying to solve them. He waits until the last minute.

He is unrealistic about his earning capacity and thinks that he can do things beyond his ability. As a result, he keeps failing to keep his promises.

I feel as though I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. The option of raising my child alone scares me, given that I am not financially stable.

This man has a hold over me. I have tried several times to leave him, but find myself unable to. I even stayed out of the country for one year, but that did not work either.

In my assessment, I believe that he is not trying hard enough to change. We are trying prayers, but I do not know if they will work. I am desperate. Please advise.

Joy

Hi

At 30 and without a stable job, it is never easy for anyone. I can sense that this has left you demoralised and feeling inadequate as a person.

Your desire to care for your child — who is currently living with your mother — and the need to provide a future for yourself and your family through business is commendable.

Keep your hope alive. Attitude is everything. Do not allow the failures you have encountered in the past to define your future.

Many have decided to walk out of a tough past to create a future of success for themselves. Therefore, your first mandate will be to focus and give direction to your life. This must be done with urgency, remembering that man cannot live by bread alone.

Maybe all you need is to love yourself, to manage what you have better, and to make wise investments for the future.

The baggage of pain from your former boyfriend has played a role in making you the person you have become. This pain has to be dealt with. Remember, it cannot be removed simply by falling in love with someone else.

Guaranteed healing comes from an inner resolve to forgive and live differently. The character and values held by your fiancé must also be taken into consideration.

I like his ability to work hard and to put food on the table. I know many university graduates who cannot bring in as much. This man could actually move from riding a motorbike to owning or selling motorbikes.

Although standing by you is the only positive trait you can see in him, do not underrate it. This man has resilience.

However, his gambling habit and lies are of concern. But can you change him? Not really. He has to see the downside of his actions if change is going to happen.

I am of the opinion that many people get into gambling because they want to live a life they are unable to with the resources they have. With time, it becomes an addiction.

In as far as getting him help is concerned, you must first convince him that you are on his side and that his gambling is costing the relationship.

Although he has all these flaws, you must see him as a man you love and a man who needs help. I believe that healing will come when you sit together and identify what each one of you sees as areas of contention.

Since you sound hurt, you might need to move beyond prayer and get some counselling. Let us know if you need further help.

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I’m held hostage by suicidal man I only liked as a friend

Dear Kitoto,

I am 23. I initiated friendship with a classmate, and because I have a boyfriend, I told him I was not interested in anything more than friendship.

However, we got close and started getting intimate. After about two months, I could not continue with this kind of friendship because of guilt.

I decided to end it and he did not take it well. He even tried to commit suicide. I remained adamant, though, that we had to stop the relationship.

He has refused to let go and he has on several occasions threatened to commit suicide. I do not know how to handle the situation any more. I am afraid for my life and for his too. Kindly Help.

Wendy

Hi

I am really sorry to hear that your former boyfriend feels the way he does. Though sad, this is a serious issue that you should report to the authorities.

There are two issues that arise from the fact that you have decided to end the relationship: First, he could just be bluffing and using the threat of suicide to gain your sympathy and attention.

This has been used by many lovers to blackmail their victims. The idea is to make sure that you do not move on with your life.

Second, this threat could be real. If so, it needs to be taken seriously and the police made aware of the man’s intentions. If he is acting suicidal, he could put both his and your life in danger. It is, therefore, important to take action to avert such an eventuality.

The trouble is that you really do not know, do you? A relationship of a few months may not give you enough to go by, particularly when judging such deep issues as a person’s mental stability. The following signs can help you identify if he might be at risk of committing suicide:

First, watch out for signs of depression.

It is said that depression is eminent if a person experiences regular episodes of sadness for much of the day or nearly every day; has diminished interest or pleasure in what appeared to be enjoyable previously; shows significant change in weight and appetite; prefers to be alone and likes excessive sleep; is agitated or slow due to fatigue and loss of energy, with feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt.

Second, watch out for strange habits like a drawing towards alcohol and drugs. Studies show that between 40 and 60 per cent of those who die by suicide are intoxicated at the time of death. Substance abuse acts as a depressant and impairs judgment and impulse control.

Third, watch out for negativity in actions or deeds. A person who is overwhelmed by depression is likely to have impaired perception that may lead to a feeling of powerlessness and helplessness. In fact, for such people, obstacles that normally would appear easy to resolve seem insurmountable. Their concentration and focus end up being severely impaired.

Fourth, watch out for signs of revenge. Many suicidal people can become hostile. I, therefore, suggest that you remain firm in what you want done, but look out for information that would help you to act swiftly in case of any suicidal behaviour. If this is confirmed, you will need to report the matter to the police.

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It troubles me that she left me and went back to her ex

Dear Kitoto,

I do not know where to start my story. I wish I could speak to someone on the phone.

I have reached a point where life has become useless because the girl I love left me and went back to her former boyfriend just a few days ago.

She is still in touch and tells me that she is in a dilemma over who to choose between the two of us.

The other man stays in Eldoret, and my girlfriend says she had to go there to attend her aunt’s wedding. My rival attended the wedding with his sister and aunt, who convinced my girlfriend to go with them.

I love this girl. She has been the source and pillar of my happiness. Life has no meaning. I wish I could overcome the pain, but it is too heavy for me. Is there anything you can do to help, please?

Moses

Hi

The pain you feel is real and cannot be ignored. However, the decision that your ex-girlfriend has taken is also real and must be seen from that angle.

The way you look at her decision will determine how you heal and move on. I do not understand the reason she left you, but I am sure you know why.

As far as I see, your biggest problem is not whether you will ever be in love again; it is whether you can respect her decision, heal, and choose to move on.

First, acknowledge her decision and take the first steps to creating for yourself an environment that will help you refocus. Acknowledge the fact that what the two of you shared has become history.

Second, reposition your life, rebuilding your thoughts using the facts you know: “She has moved on”. With time, some of the pain will go. Healing is necessary to avoid having the pain cloud your future engagements.

Third, be adventurous. Get out and make new friends. Do not make your former girlfriend a treasure and sacred monument in your life.

Remember, you are a special person. That is why she fell in love with you in the first place. Treat yourself the way you would want to be treated. Hold your head high and move on. Life is bigger than momentary troubles.

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How can I break my addiction to this evil and blue movies?

Dear Kitoto,

I have been struggling with a masturbation addiction for a while. It began when I quit lesbianism, which I was introduced to early in life. Now I am finding myself drawn towards porn films and I do not like it.

I am going through counselling, but anytime a man professes his love for me, I become angry and nervous and pull away.

I do not know what is going on with me. I am young and I am at university. It is worrying that I feel this way. I do not know why I am not falling in love like I am meant to.

What do I do? My relationship with other women is normal. There is nothing out of the ordinary.

Sharon

Hi

I believe that sexuality was created for pleasure between man and woman. I guess that is the journey you walked until you were faced by your current struggle of seeking to break away from porn.

Your way out of the current habit will require that, first, you recognise the extent to which you have been trapped and the consequences of remaining in the trap.

You have made commendable progress so far in trying to break away from these habits and desiring change for yourself. Therefore, do not be discouraged. Your first hurdle has been overcome. It is now time to focus on how to break the next barrier.

What I see in you is a will to make life different for yourself. However, there is a possibility of a relapse, depending on your determination. The fact that you wrote in is proof that you are serious about overcoming your addiction to porn.

Second is your expression of the need for recovery and the price you will have to pay to achieve full recovery.

Most people who desire to break from a particular addiction get defeated many times and fail to make a breakthrough because of the cost of moving to the next level. List the issues that make it difficult.

For example, is your addiction tied to the company you keep or is the environment the problem? Do you find yourself drawn to porn when alone, when facing low moments, or when under stress? Identifying your prompters will help you see how to avoid these problems.

You can explore changing the environment you live in, the work you do, the music you listen to, and the movies you watch.

Third will be the need to build new habits that will chart a new path for you.

If changing friends, living environment, or habits will be key in the healing process, then rebuilding a new you will require such sacrifices.

I encourage you to remain committed to counselling. Seek additional social support systems that can help rebuild new connections. Do not be in a hurry to fall in love. This will come with time as you refocus your life.