Is my girlfriend ready for a commitment?

Dear Kitoto,

I need your advice. I have been dating for almost two years and whenever I ask my girlfriend to meet my mother, she always says it is not yet time to meet her.

Sometimes, she raises issues of sustainability, wondering how we will make it in life, given that we are in the same career.

Recently, we had an issue and she did not show any effort in wanting to resolve it. Every time I want to discuss serious matters with her, she usually says I should give her time. Should I continue with this relationship or is this a sign that we are no more?

Hi,

I can sense there are issues that point to the lack of commitment towards marriage. Among these include, a feeling by your girlfriend that both of you are not ready to start a home. This notion is the result of fears accumulated over time.

For some women, they may question whether they are getting married to the right man and for the right reasons. They worry if they have what it takes to pull through the marriage, if there are enough finances to make this marriage work or if the relationship is strong enough to sustain a marriage. Sometimes, they find they are not ready to make a long-term commitment.

For many other women, they fear commitment because they think that commitment is a trap that limits one’s choices or options. I may not know exactly how your relationship functions, however, it may be that she is still in exploratory face and not serious commitment. Some spouses have this assumption that being in a relationship automatically translates to a commitment towards marriage.

Marriage is not a guarantee of the presence of love. On the contrary, it is the testing of any love that could be present. Marriage, and for that matter any other relationship, is where your commitment is tested. The truth is, put two people together and conflict is on the way. Her fears are genuine and need to be validated by you. Seek to speak into her fears without appearing to manipulate her or force her into a commitment.

Let me also mention that lack of commitment could be the result of or a lack of decision on whether the other partner sees you as the one they would like to spend their life with. I encourage you to build an environment where she can feel safe to state her inner fears.

How can I marry another woman without hurting my wife?

Dear Kitoto,

I am 28 years old, married and a father to one daughter. My wife once cheated on me. It has been a year since that happened, but I am unable to forgive her. I want to marry another woman without hurting her. How can I do that?

Hi

The truth is that, there is no way you can marry another woman without hurting her. It is common that, as far as marriage is concerned, women hurt deeply when their men have an affair but they are easy to forgive than men would if the opposite happened.

I believe what is happening is a lack of walking through with forgiveness. In fact, the big question I should ask is whether your current struggle is a result of un-forgiveness; or is your current state the result of an anger and hate in your heart that comes out of remembering what she did?

I read an article once where a man alluded to the fact that, he will first make the women confess the affair. According to the article, men do not admit that the affair was their fault. In the article, the feeling was that forgiveness is a sign of weakness and that men should not show their weakness to a woman. Wow! I believe that saying “I forgive you” or “I am sorry” must be followed by responsible actions to bring remedy.

Whatever the case, forgiveness is about unconditionally letting go the offence done against us. Asking for responsible behaviour from our partner helps the relationship grow from the failure. None is perfect in this world. We all make mistakes, fall and hurt others. But true forgiveness comes where we make a conscious choice to verbalise pardon and choose to treat them as though they never sinned against us.

God has blessed you with a daughter that needs a mother and father. She needs a stable home to grow in. It is up to you to count the cost and ask whether you would have loved her to do the same if you were the one who had fallen. Please get me right, by this I am not excusing her behaviour. Forgiveness is your part and it helps bring back connection. Reconciliation is only possible when we forgive. We mature through challenges we face. Great innovators failed, but it is their attitude of never giving up that made them successful. I pray that this Christmas will remind you of a love you could extend that could just be what is needed to restore your love life.

Should I follow my heart or mind?

Hello Kitoto,

I’m 33 years old. I have an issue that I have not been able to resolve.

I have dated two women in the last three years. I have dated one for three years (Jane) and the other one for two years (Mary). We’re all ready to settle down and I cannot make a decision on who to marry.

I have a great emotional connection with Jane. She’s easy going, quiet and laid back. I like that about her. We get along pretty well. She’s not as aggressive as Mary when it comes to matters business and investments. I feel like she’s my soul mate and the feeling is mutual.

With Mary, the emotional connection is lacking. We share a lot in common, especially when it comes to business ideas and investments. I haven’t been able to connect with her as I have with Jane.

Will the connection come with time if I decide to settle down with her? Is emotional connection an important aspect in a relationship? I’m torn between following my heart and my mind.

Hi

The heart and mind have a lot to teach us when it comes to relationships. Relational intelligence, as key as it is, has been in most cases neglected by many, thereby hindering health in a relationship.

Involving emotional intelligence has the ability to improve the performance of the relationship, enhance spirit, increased creativity, and ability to deal with changes in the relationship.

Emotional intelligence also helps those involved in a relationship enjoy their relationship better.

Therefore, knowing the emotional capacity of your partner is key in using such knowledge in relating to them better. According to a Psychology magazine of June 2018, “Emotionally intelligent people understand that their thoughts create their emotions, and that facilitating and controlling thought has the ability to decrease the power of their emotions.”

Additionally, “understand the connection between their actions and other people’s emotional reactions” is important to any relationship. And according to a paper titled “Emotional Intelligence, Relationship Quality and Partner Selection” that I read a while back, by James Casey, “Accumulative evidence suggests that EI, which include the abilities to perceive emotion, use emotion to facilitate thought, understand emotion, and manage emotion, is important to both relationship satisfaction and partner selection.”

How well we are able to assess such emotional display and whether it can be trusted is difficult by key. While at college, my professor taught me the importance of critical thinking in virtually everything we do. The idea here is the need to involve the mind and reason in questioning self, our decisions and the people we relate to in a more objective way.

Using critical thinking in everyday situations changes a lot in the way we relate with others. Knowing, therefore, what Jane and Mary bring to the table of marriage must be done honestly and openly to enable you determine where you have the greatest convergence. You can never just follow one. In my marriage, I have found both to be key.