How do I win my woman back from her devoted man friend?

Recently, my spouse confessed that she’s started falling in love with a friend of hers. She says I rarely take her out, this friend is ready to do so anytime. This friend is single and knows about our relationship but still seeks her company for evening  drinks though he has not shown any interest in having a relationship with her. PHOTO | FILE

What you need to know:

  • She says her friend is always there for her, shows concern for her, and is more considerate than I am. While I rarely take her out, this friend is ready to do so anytime. She actually says she can count more on him than on me and sometimes wishes I could be more like him.
  • I have asked her to cut ties with him but she insists that they are just friends and nothing has happened between them, and is, therefore, reluctant to end the friendship.
  • This friend is single and knows about our relationship but still seeks her company for evening  drinks though he has not shown any interest in having a relationship with her. How do I get her to end this emotional affair?

Dear Kitoto,  

I came across your articles on relationships while browsing the Internet. 

I have been in a committed relationship for more than eight years, with plans of formalising the union in church by next year. We also have a seven-year-old son. 

Recently, my spouse confessed that she’s started falling in love with a friend of hers and now feels as if we don’t have a future together. She says her friend is always there for her, shows concern for her, and is more considerate than I am. While I rarely take her out, this friend is ready to do so anytime. She actually says she can count more on him than on me and sometimes wishes I could be more like him.

I have asked her to cut ties with him but she insists that they are just friends and nothing has happened between them, and is, therefore, reluctant to end the friendship.

In fact, she has told me that she will be  meeting him in a day or two. This friend is single and knows about our relationship but still seeks her company for evening  drinks though he has not shown any interest in having a relationship with her. 

How do I get her to end this emotional affair? Would it be wise to request someone who has a strong influence on her — like her mother or an older sibling — to advise her against it?

What options do I have because I would like to save our relationship? I am ready to undergo therapy together with my spouse so that we can try to salvage our relationship and, if possible, rekindle the flames. She says she is falling out of love with me but my efforts don’t seem to be bearing fruit; can you advise me what to do?

Alex

 

Hi,

Although you have a child together, it appears that you are not in a committed relationship.

American author and counsellor Dr Gary Chapman has come up with five languages of love, which are basically five ways of expressing and experiencing love: giving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of devotion and physical touch. The idea here is that each partner in a relationship receives and gives love in unique ways. It appears that you have not studied your girlfriend well. Your starved her of attention and someone else came along who stimulated her response. In relationships, we cannot underrate the place of actions of love such as appreciation, kindness, and physical touch.

Although you have a ceremony  planned for next year, she has been having fears that needed to be addressed. However, these needs were left unattended for too long. Let me be quick to also state that some people are generally promiscuous. Your confession seems to reveal two issues that are key to relationships: The revelation by your woman of her love language, and your lack of response to the same. This led to the failure of the relationship. I must commend her for being genuine in her confession.

To undo this emotional affair, you need to understand what it is. It is sharing intimate information with someone of the opposite sex that that ends up creating a chemistry and emotional connection that draws you closer to the other person  than to your spouse. Sadly, the more the victim feels closer and cared for by the third party, the further away they drift from their partner.

Breaking such an emotional bond for her will take a lot of effort.

By the way, you can establish a connection by sharing the negative aspects of your marriage with another person. Another key area is about you and rebuilding her trust in you in case things work out and she chooses to drop him.

It is clear from your e-mail that you have identified some of the reasons for her closeness with her friend. The irony of relationships is that there is no guarantee that by incorporating these demands you will make her turn around. As for the way forward, you have two options: either you discover her love language and respond to her in a way that satisfies her, or you let her go.

Knowing that yours is a dating relationship; my suggestion would be two pronged: First, to seek counselling support with the intention of healing the relationship. However, this must be followed by a clear strategy on how you are going to relate differently.

Second, would you rather have a broken engagement or a broken marriage?