Kitoto, I met my husband of two years now while in college and married him when I lost my job and had nowhere to stay. Everything was okay until the baby came. My husband changed and he started cheating on me and even beat me up when I confronted him about it.
He even summoned his relatives to throw me out of his house with my son. His insults are not restricted to me alone but my entire family. He recently abandoned me with our son who is 10 months old now. I work in town in a company where I have to report at 5am and I have to leave the child with my neighbour. When I asked him when he is returning, he got mad.
I can’t share this with his relatives because he has ensured none of them like me. In fact, he shares my messages with his cousins.
I am 26 years old and I am so traumatised. What can I do with my life?
Janet, I am really sorry to hear about the way this man is treating you. Your patience should not be confused with an endorsement of his behaviour. In relationships, not all difficult people require direct confrontation. The truth is that, his behaviour is a way of instilling fear and making you feel insecure.
Manipulative people use such actions to remain in control of their partners. The idea for you is to look at what is happening in multiple ways.
First, it is clear, his harshness has a link to his new wayward behaviour. I encourage you not to allow his attacks affect your self esteem. His desire is to personalise issues, blame you so that you can be intimidated. I suggest that you take the high road of not returning an eye for an eye. Someone said that when we avoid personalising other people’s behaviours, we can perceive the motives behind their actions better.
Second, learn to deal with the abuses positively. Understanding that he is a man who has messed up and is only looking for an escape route will help you process your emotions.
Not becoming confrontational like him does not excuse unacceptable behaviour though. I suggest that you refuse to allow him to abuse you physically.
Since he has walked out, I suggest that you take this time to reflect and see how you have handled the abuses.
Third, people do what they do and behave the way they do because of their own choices. As I mentioned earlier, his desire is to seek attention and blame his shortcomings on you so as to make you feel inadequate. It looks like his desire was to always point out what was wrong instead of explaining his issues about the relationship. Ensure you are firm, abusers are good at making comebacks.
I suggest that if he ever wants to return, involve a counsellor so you don’t get into the same mess.