Let your ex-boyfriend marry the other woman

Hello Philip,

I enjoy reading your column. There is this man that I dated for quite a long time. We generally had a happy relationship until six months ago when we quarrelled over an issue. We could not stand each other and the relationship ended. Recently, I discovered that he is planning to wed a woman he barely knows. I was so annoyed that I looked for him and confronted him. He’s going on with his wedding plans, but he tells me that he wants to come back, claiming that he still loves me. Deep inside, I still love him very much. I am confused and my emotions are all over the place. Please help!

Hi,

Let us looks at your dilemma: First, what kind of disagreement was this that led to the separation? My guess is that the issue must have been serious enough to warrant separation. If the two of you were disappointed enough to let each other go, I must regrettably let you know that he’s not obliged to seek your permission or even inform you about his future wedding. He has a right to marry anyone he chooses. Of course you may feel sorry that he ‘barely’ knows the other woman, but that is his business.

You sound possessive

Your feelings are justified because of the previous connection, but you are being unfair to him. You are also coming across as a possessive person. Do not forget that you parted ways and he went ahead and decided to have someone else in his life. Be careful not to get hurt amidst all this.

If the issues that made you separate were never addressed, going back, even if he left the other woman, will not heal your relationship. Also, going back because you are jealous will only sink your emotions deeper into chaos.

The questions to ask is: What has changed to make him want you back? Bear in mind that he’s planning a wedding, and it’s not with you. If you blindly walk back into his life, chances are that you may become his punching bag.

Worse still, you went to seek him out. If, indeed, he still cared for you, I believe the first thing he could have done was to talk to you to see if the issues you had could be resolved.

Similarly, if you truly cared about him, you could have sought reconciliation earlier, and not after you heard of the wedding.

Because he has made the choice to marry this other girl, no one knows really whether this relationship had begun before you separated. Whatever the case, you are better off staying away. Let him be the one to put off this other relationship.

Let your ex-boyfriend marry the other woman

If he is marrying just to get back at you, then whichever way, he is not fit for you. Don’t set yourself up to be wounded a second time.

My opinion is that you let him live with the choice he has made.

Why don't my relationships last?

I’m 27 years old, and single for three years now. This status is not by choice because I’ve previously dated, and even when we got romantic, the relationships did not last. The women that I date keep telling me that I’m good at making friends. Is that all? What are they seeing in me that they are not willing to disclose? I am seeking guidance on what to do, so that I can have a lasting relationship.

Hi,

What defines a great relationship for you? Today, love has acquired many definitions. In fact, a person’s preoccupation in a relationship speaks a lot about what they value and look for in a relationship. First, it appears like you really have no issue approaching and winning women over. The problem comes when working on those acts that build up a relationship. You have to be aware of the fact that relationships mature through the exposure and encounters that come our way.

What I deduce from your mail is that romance equals sex. Romance should incorporate activities like reading together, biking, adventure, fun and many more. Sex may be great, but it is not all that there is to a relationship. One day, something could happen and sex is no more. True romance must go all the way beyond sex. When developed well, true romance helps strengthen the bond that exists between a couple.

Your approach to dating

Second, you may need to explore what broke your first relationship. Were the issues the same in the relationships that came after? If yes, you may need to change your approach to dating. My fear is, you may have allowed certain practices to govern your definition of love. I suggest you re-examine what it means to love. Ask yourself if your priorities point to the stability and longevity you’re seeking.

Your big worry is why your relationships don’t last and whether there’s something these women are not telling you. There’s definitely some disconnect in the way you start and mature your relationships. Would it be that you’re driven by short-term gains rather than being futuristic in your approach? What drives you when it comes to relationships? When you plan for your preferred future, it gives you a chance to guide your decisions. Decisions based on temporal gains and short-term desires must be avoided.

Real relationships, even when they face low moments, are based on mutual love and respect. I suggest you try the following in your next relationship: place value ahead of personal desires that are driven by fleshly appetite, get to understand what makes her feel affirmed, and what would cause fear and anxiety, and finally seek to build trust.

Could you be married to a stranger?

You cannot be 100 per cent sure that you are in the right relationship. However, when you deal with everything well, chances of having a great relationship are higher than if you don’t. Of course, there are moments when surprises crop up. But, doing our best in the following areas helps improve the survival rate of any relationship.

Communication

Free and open dialogue is essential. Every partner should seek to speak to the other honestly and freely. Never withhold information from your partner. Spouses who keep secrets fear that revealing them will cause lasting damage to their relationship, so they would rather keep some issues to themselves, rather than face them.

Faithfulness

This should not be just communicated, it is lived out. Partners in any relationship must build a relationship based on mutual trust. A relationship where partners are concerned about the affairs of the other will most likely build a climate where selfish individualistic agendas are put aside for the sake of growing the relationship. Unfortunately, most relationships are centred on selfish agendas.

Relational intelligence

This is needed to try and look beneath the surface of communication and activities. How authentic is my partner? This is the million-dollar question.

We have to question the state of the relationship, including those things that we find strange or unexplained in our relationships.

Inability to share information is generally driven by a hidden motive. You may never know the reasons why spouses tell half-truths, lie blatantly, or cheat, until you make the choice to ask.

Full disclosure

This seems to lack in most relationships, leading to marriages where people are living with strangers. Much has to be done by couples to establish an authentic environment, where communication is clear, honest, and full of impact.