Childfree, happy: Women who shun motherhood

With a yearly population growth rate of 2.6%, Kenya’s population in 2015 was estimated by the World Bank to stand at 47.24 million. On average, the World Bank says, every woman in the country gives birth to 4.26 children.

It therefore comes as a surprise that there is a small but growing coterie of women (and men) who, irrespective of the fact they have no medical complications that would prevent them from having children, have decided that kids are not in the cards for them. Not today, not ever! The politically correct term of such a lifestyle is “child-free”, not to be conflated with “childless.”

Ms Tarurî Gatere, a Nairobi-based life-coach and wellness instructor, is one such woman who has no desire to give life to or raise children of her own.

“For as long as I can remember, I have always known that I did not want to have children of my own,” the 33 year-old says. “I kept my decision under wraps for a long time though, because I was not sure how people would react when they heard of my decision. However, about 4 years ago, I decided to ‘come out’ and speak out about my decision,” she reveals.

When she first told her parents and siblings that she was determined to lead a child-free life, nobody believed her. She narrates, “They thought that I was just joking and the feeling would pass. However, as the years rolled on and I remained resolute, they came to accept and support my decision unconditionally.”

EXPECTATIONS

Ms Gatere acknowledges that our society has certain expectations of a woman her age. However, she insists that she has always been a rebellious spirit who seeks to question social norms. “Although not having kids is a private decision, I have chosen to speak of my decision on several public platforms in order to prove that we do not have to stick to the paths that society expects us to follow,” says Ms Gatere.

She explains that her courage to speak out about her decision has opened her eyes to the fact that she is not the only Kenyan woman in that school of thought.

Scores of women and men, she reveals, have reached out to her expressing similar views. She says, “Knowing that I am helping others find courage in their own divergent voices has always encouraged me to speak my truth.”

While stating that American media icon Oprah Winfrey has been her role model since childhood, Gatere says that being child-free allows ones to devote their time, resources and efforts into finding and fulfilling their life-purpose.

Oprah Winfrey has repeatedly stated she does not believe that she would have made a great mother because she would likely have neglected her children in order to focus on her career.

When it comes to unsolicited advice from friends, family and even foes online, Gatere admits that she has heard it all.

She says, “People always tell me about how I would make a great mum, how my life will find meaning when I have children, how no one will take care of me while I am old and how I will regret my decision when I’m past my child-bearing age. They say that I’m selfish and some even accuse me of being a feminist, as if that’s something to be ashamed about.”

SOCIAL MEDIA TROLLS

While she says that people within her inner circle are comfortable with her decision, the greatest grief that she gets comes from virulent trolls on social media.

“People come online and insult me saying that I am promiscuous and that I have probably procured many abortions and that is why I cannot have children. I have since learned not to be fazed by the negative comments because my decision only affects me, I am not hurting anyone else. If someone who does not even know me gets offended, then that’s their problem and not mine.”

Ms Gatere is of the opinion that a couple can still love each other deeply without children being in the picture. “I was in a committed relationship for five years and both of us were fine with a future without children. I am currently trying to dip my feet back into the dating pool, and I always ensure that the fact that I don’t want children makes it into the conversation on my first dates,” she says.

Though she admits that she loves being around children, she says that she cannot see herself spending all her time with and dedicating her life to her children.

“I have two nieces, one nephew and two younger siblings who fill my life with joy. With an income that doesn’t have the burden of a family attached to it, I can be able to support less fortunate children such as orphans and also serve as a role model,” she explains.

Another person who looks at life through the same prism as Tarurî Gatere is a lady who goes by the simplified version of her name, Jenifer J. An American citizen, Jenifer has lived and worked in Nairobi since 2011. Jenifer works as a Christian missionary. Her job as a volunteer chaplain sees her shuttle through the several paediatric wards across the country ministering to children who are battling cancer.

“I love children so much,” Jenifer says, “My job involves being around kids all day long. In all the hospitals that I minister in, the kids refer to me as the ‘Hospital Mama’. I have just never had the desire to have children of my own.”

NOT READY

Jenifer explains that she realised at a very tender age that if she were ever to give birth, the child would require a lot of love, sacrifice and time from her, something she did not feel she was ready to give. “I enjoy my freedom and not having children allows me to travel and do my work as a missionary, giving hope to others,” she says.

“My family has always been supportive of my decision. In fact, my mother knew that I wouldn’t want to raise children of my own long before I even considered the decision,” she adds.

Jenifer, who is at the cusp of turning 40, explains that in her country, making the decision not have kids is not seen as an oddity as it is here in Kenya. She says, “Kenyans are very shocked when they learn that I don’t have kids and I don’t intend to. In the US this is normal.”

Indeed, in the US, the fertility rate, or number of children each woman is expected to have, stood at 1.76 in 2017.

Asked whether, as a Christian, she is aware of the Bible verse that commands people to “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth”, Jenifer says that if God really wanted her to have children, He would have given her the desire. She also reveals that she usually ignores people trying to slight her and prays for them instead.

GENETIC ISSUES

“My family has a history of genetic issues such as alcoholism, depression, congenital heart defects and multiple sclerosis. I wouldn’t want to pass these on to my children. However, even if I were perfectly healthy, I still wouldn’t want to beget children,” she continues.

Though she has not taken a vow of celibacy, Jenifer reveals that at present, she also has no desire to get married or get into a long-term relationship.

Jenifer is adamant that at 80, when she looks back at life that she’s led without a marital partner or offspring, she will still be content with the work she has done on earth and by how she has touched other peoples’ hearts.

While both Gatere and Jenifer deny that their intention to save money is behind their decision, Data Scientist Chris Orwa says the sums spent on raising a child can be usurious when one factors in health related costs, food, clothing, shelter, entertainment and education.

He however notes that the ‘opportunity cost’ lost when one decides to have children, though it cannot be measured in monetary value, will impact more on the parents.

"These are the things which parents give-up when they make a decision to have children. It is an invisible cost but I believe it the greatest "cost" bore by parents. Folks who decide not to have children don't want to bear this cost,” Chris Orwa says.

***

It is a personal decision, but you will regret it later

Kenyans who have chosen to lead childfree lives have opted to internalise the Western culture while forsaking their African roots. This is according to Dr Francis Paul Kerre, an expert in Gender and Sociology of Development.

Dr Kerre, a lecturer at Kenyatta University’s Sociology Department, says that while many societies across the world still view getting children as the essence of existence, social changes that have taken place globally over the past few decades have affected Africans the most.

“We adopted and internalised a culture that wasn’t ours during colonialism to an extent of even denying the link between us and our parents. These societal links were crucial in our traditional African societies. Experts who have studied social sciences have found out that most of the people who say they don’t want to have children had very loose relationships with their parents. Such people also don’t have strong ties to their siblings and their extended families,” Dr Kerre says, adding that people who have decided to lead child-free lives are social deviants.

According to the don, most of the young men and women who do not want to get children are running away from responsibility.

He says, “Such a person will say that she wants to enjoy her freedom and the only person who can stop her from enjoying her life at the moment is a child. This is not usually a valid reason because even our mothers bore us and still got to enjoy life at a later stage.”

“Getting a child is making a sacrifice, but this sacrifice always produces positive results at the end,” he adds, stating that children not only bring joy to their parents but also to their grandparents.
“The essence of life, both in human beings and other animals, is procreation,” the sociologist claims.

He further points out that people who opt out of starting families will most likely miss out on the immense benefits that familial ties provide. A person who does not have people, Dr Kerre says, often ends up becoming a huge burden to the society at their later stages of life.

He cites the concept of keeping the elderly in nursing homes as inherently un-African, saying that people should be taken care of by their children and grandchildren when they are old.

“The human way is that we are born so that we can give life to others to ensure the continuity of our species. This procreation benefits not only the individual, but also the entire society. The children we raise end up building our nation. If someone is a senior manager in a cooperation and does not want to have a child, who will take over from them when they die or retire?” Dr Kerre poses.

Most of the people who make a choice not to have kids have come to rue their decision, the sociologist observes.

“They will tell of how they wished they had had kids so as to get a sense and purpose in life. Later in life, even if they would have accumulated all the wealth and power that they could and they’re still single, they will not be satisfied with life. Partying and such life pleasures only last between 20 and 35 years of age, never beyond that.”

The lecturer discounts the notion that raising a child is an expensive undertaking. “The issue here is never about money. It is always about avoiding financial responsibility.” He further adds that money will never substitute the joy one gets from their children.

“When it comes to happiness, money is shortest blanket on your bed; it will never cover you fully no matter how much you adjust it. Accumulating money can only give you happiness up to a certain level.”

Also discredited by the sociologist as spurious is the notion that having children in a long-term relationship might pull a couple apart and lessen their love. He says, “Sociologists and psychologists have determined that the happiest families are those where the marital partners stay together and have children.”

“We all have a right to do whatever we please, as long as it does not cause harm or infringe on others’ rights. Someone who chooses not to have children or get married is within their rights to lead such a life. Deciding not to have children, while it is deviant behaviour, is not against the law. They just have to know that they might regret their decisions later on when they are past their child-bearing age,” Dr Kerre warns.