KITOTO: Marriage requires true love, commitment, and accepting responsibilities

I told her of my intentions to marry her but she backed off angrily and said she needed time to think about it. PHOTO | FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • Friendship is about honesty, vulnerability, faithfulness and long-term love.
  • Personally, I do not know why she went quiet on you after you mentioned the idea of marriage; she could have felt frightened to make a commitment.
  • Send your relationship questions to [email protected]

Dear Kitoto,

I trust this finds you well. Thank you for your good work and God bless you.

I am a man in my mid-thirties. I separated from my wife 4 years ago and, since then, I have been living with my 11-year-old daughter. In November 2016, I met a lady whom I befriended. I explained my situation to her and she accepted, thanked me for being open to her, and we began a serious relationship — or so I thought.

In January this year, I told her of my intentions to marry her. She backed off angrily and said she needed time to think about it.

Soon after, she stopped taking my calls or replying to my messages. In April this year, after three months of silence and out of nowhere, she sent me a message asking me to marry her immediately.

I was stunned and questioned her sudden decision, and especially after her long silence. She refused to meet but we have been talking over the phone and I thought we had resolved the issue.

Last week, I asked her if we could forge ahead with the marriage idea and she replied that she is not comfortable with my past life. I felt confused as she knows my past and I have never hidden anything from her. Indeed, she had earlier agreed to accept me as I am.

I feel confused and I honestly don't know what I did wrong. I have never asked for sex because I really love and treasure her, despite her visiting my home many times. I feel wasted, cheated, crushed. Please advise a lost soul.

Hi

So basically, this November, the two of you would have been dating for two years. That explains why you might feel as though she wasted your time.

First, it is pretty difficult to have dated someone that long, shared a lot about yourself with them and even introduced each other to close family members or friends, just for them to turn and walk away from you. All I can say is that, it hurts. Friendship is about honesty, vulnerability, faithfulness and long-term love.

Personally, I do not know why she went quiet on you after you mentioned the idea of marriage. My guess is that she could have felt frightened to make a commitment.

You have to understand that just being friends without a serious commitment is easy for many. However, mention the idea of marriage and they freak out. Maybe she was afraid of the responsibilities that come with marriage.

Secondly, maybe she had not considered the consequences of marrying a divorcee and, more so, one that has a child. For some people, it is about what others say to them while for others it is about their convictions.

However, I do not see how her convictions could tolerate a relationship but balk at the idea of marriage. It is even odd for her to change her mind, come back and demand marriage, but refuse to meet you.

The best advice is for you to meet face-to-face and seek to hear her point of view. A face-to-face meeting will help both of you to ask questions and deal with the issue.

One thing is clear though; however much you love her, it takes two to make a relationship. The current state of things reveals a woman who is not sure of what she really wants.

Revised response

Hi Kitoto,

This is about the second relationship problem that was published in the DN2 on Monday, September 24, 2018. I have a feeling that your response did not address the main issue.

The guy is talking about the mother of his boy popping into his house uninvited and stealing the affections of the child.

His newly met lady is also a mother of a 5-year-old child and he's very clear that they've not introduced their children. But your response insinuates that it's this newly met lady stealing the affection of the man's child. Kindly reconsider.

Hi
Thank you for the concerns you have raised. Indeed I mixed up the two ladies.

After this man raised his child alone and without the support of the mother of the child, there have been two other ladies in his life, one of whom he loves dearly.

This single mother of a 5-year-old girl has not been introduced to the son although he wants to marry her. There is little I can say about the current girlfriend since the mail gives little to go by.

However, his problem is that the mother of his child suddenly became visible in their lives, popping up in his house without notice and bringing clothes for the son, and attempting to bribe the little boy.

How this happened is a mystery since, for some years, she was an absentee mother who abandoned her responsibilities. The fact that he feels like banishing her from his house and the child's life is understandable in the circumstances.

But, knowing that this lady is the biological mother of the child, he may need to seek legal advice if a permanent solution is to be sought. My response touched on the three individuals in the mail.

We must appreciate that, it is strange how the mother of his son still has access to his house. This is significant noting that she had abandoned them. The idea is to revise how she gets access and look for ways to seal those entry points.

I must congratulate him for taking the responsibility of a single father. The responsibilities of single parents and particularly single dads can be difficult and complicated.

However, of importance is that the freedom the child’s mother has to pop into his house has extended to creating contact with his son. Although she is the biological mother, there should be some limits.

Until he places boundaries for her, this will continue to drive him crazy. As she continues to have unrestricted access to his house, the close relationship he has with his son will continue to be affected. If, indeed, this lady was away from him and just suddenly appeared, this may need further reflection by him.

With his desire for peace of mind, there are three options available: First, remain a single parent and enjoy all the fun and closeness he desires with his son; place boundaries for the mother that would be in line with the laws of the land; and finally, know that he has been through a lot with his son and any third party would be an interference.

There is no place of keeping things the way they were while allowing access to two ladies in the house without clear guidance and boundaries.

Some of my suggestions include: One, accept that the closeness you have built over time with your son will be affected at some point — either by him growing up and spending more time with his friends or by another woman getting into your life.

Two, place boundaries that will protect the child from being exploited by her mother or any other woman. Boundaries help place limits on what can be done and what cannot. Again, thank you for pointing this out.

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Tips on dating

In this column, I have shared some myths that I believe we need to be aware of while dating:

1. “There’s only one man/woman out there for me. If I miss them, I will never be happy.” Personally, I believe you can marry and live happily with anyone of the opposite sex so long as you look out for compatibility issues like shared values etc.

2. “I no longer have feeling for you. I therefore don’t love you.” This can be further from the truth. Love is choice. We have the right to choose, date and marry the person we want. However, we have to work at remaining faithful and growing in love with the person we married. Feelings have a level of temporality to them.

3. “You’ll be left on the shelf if you’re not hooked up by 25.” The trend today is, that at 28 many girls would rather enter a compromised relationship than wait. Waiting for them is killing any hopes of ever getting married. Most of this is driven by peer, societal or parental pressure.

4. “The spouse I marry must tick every box.” Should the man you marry meet all the qualities on your list. Sometimes it has worked for some however, it must be based of realism and not just remain a figment of ones imagination. The caution here is that not every one fitting these qualities can make a great partner. Issues like compatibility, character, chemistry may just tear such a list down.

5. “Going for coffee and introducing one to parents equals marriage.” This is the pressure that often surrounds people around meeting people and dating. My thoughts are, “Take as many coffees but carefully … Coffees can be an avenue to know whether two people are meant for each other.” But care must be taken to know when to get out. Otherwise you may end up feeling used.

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Send your relationship questions to [email protected]