KITOTO: My ex has returned to torment me and my new girlfriend

Hi,

I was in a relationship with a woman whom I loved very much, but mid last year she changed completely. Whenever I called her, a man would take the call and tell me that she was married. I contacted several members of her family, who advised me to move on and forget about her. It was extremely difficult since she was my first love. Early this year I got fed up, so I let her go and found another woman. When she learnt about it, she resurfaced and made me almost break up with my current love. I’m finding it difficult to ignore her since I still love her very much. What do I do?

Hi,

First love stories are not only compelling to read but hard to forget because there is something very powerful about experiencing intimate young love for the first time. That is why love has to mature and move from feelings and mere attraction to a conscious choice to love through all circumstances. I hope it was just a crush you had because she was your first love.

Apart from love being a choice, it must show responsibility. A person can’t say they love you when at the same time they are running away from you. What you need to ask yourself is, apart from her being your first love, why do you think you love your former girlfriend? The answer to this question will help you know whether the battle is worth fighting.

There are two possibilities regarding the response to the calls that said that she was married: First, it could have been a set-up by those close to you in order to keep you apart, or it could be true that she was, indeed, married. Whatever the case, why didn’t she call you to break this news to you herself? My take is that she could have been in another relationship from which she was unwilling to break away.

As American essayist and philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “We become what we think about all day long.” If your mind is going to dwell on what you miss in your first girlfriend, then you could end up losing your new girlfriend. It is important to be sure of what you are looking for in a woman. Take your reasons beyond sex and feelings. Concretise some of the things that you feel drew you to her. When feelings become like sand that is easily swept away, you need a rock to stand on.

***

Will she ditch her boyfriend for me or is she just playing with my feelings?

Hi,

I am dating this woman on whom I had a crush three years ago. We did not see each other again until this year, when we met and exchanged phone numbers. She told me she loved me very much, but she was dating another man. She told her boyfriend that she wanted to break up with him because she had met the man she truly loved. However, the problem is that she never calls me; I always call her. She promises to call me back after she is through with whatever she is doing but she never does. Does she love me or she is playing with my feelings?

Hi,

The truth is that it could be both. It is a general rule of life, and of survival, that what we love, we treasure. Today, many people define love by certain attributes, which include feelings and attraction. However, as much as being attracted to someone and having feelings for them are key, true love is a choice.

Love is the choice to make the sacrifice needed for the relationship to survive through moments of fun and discomfort. That is why it is long-suffering, kind, and does not keep a record of wrongs. I have always wondered why anyone would keep a record of wrongs where there are none.

But recognising that a relationship might have moments of unkindness and pain helps the other partner remain caring and loving, regardless. The power to choose not to keep a record of wrongs applies to cases such as yours.

I am glad that you are aware of the other man in your girlfriend’s life. It is up to you to make the right decisions based on what you know. Communication and time together are key to growing any relationships. If she is too busy for you now, who tells you she will be available if you get married. Sit down with her and discuss her reasons for not having time to call you. If she cannot give you a good explanation, you will always be suspicious that she is hanging out with the other man.

***

Tell us the truth about the age difference between partners

Hello Mr Kitoto,

Thank you very  much  for  the  work  you  are  doing,   bringing  families  together  through your   column.  You indicated in your column on April 15 that the age difference between couples should not worry us. People are worried about not finding the right partner to start a family with, yet they are getting older.  Starting a  family  is  good,  but  as  a female pastor,  I would suggest that you tell us  the  truth – that we  are  not  living in the days  of  Sarah  and  Abraham.

We might be faithful but still not get the right partner to start a family with, so we should trust God to lead us to the right person eventually. We end up with the wrong people and, inevitably, end up getting divorced.

Pray for us and tell us the truth about the age difference.

Gael

Hello,

I certainly agree; we are not living in the days of Sarah and Abraham. I guess here you are referring to their age when they got their promised child. When it comes to relationships, women seem to worry more about their age. They see age as a key player in marriage and being able to have children in good time.

For most men, however, age becomes a consideration only because most are happier marrying a younger woman. However, we cannot rule out that younger men are attracted to, and get fascinated, dating older women. That said, although age is a real figure, many argue that our perception of ourselves is key to the way we live and relate with others.

What we need to consider, however, are two issues from your question. One is whether age can affect one’s productivity in all areas. And the answer is, yes! Age affects the way we perceive what is acceptable in marriage and even when we have children. As a result, some people get impatient, and as you pointed out, they end up messing up and land in trouble.

Here are a few challenges that might come with ageing:

1. Sexual compatibility: Levels of satisfaction have been a complaint among people with a huge age difference. Some have sought the help of consultants to enhance their performance.

2. Maturity levels: Some couples have cite the ability to reason and to deal with emotions calmly among the issues that show up with age. I am inclined to go either way because, as much as there are many older people who act mature, there are many others who are insecure, manipulative and controlling.

3. Heightened insecurities: When there is a huge age difference between spouses, most older spouses tend to be driven by insecurities, lack of trust and the temptation to control their partner.

The truth is, age plays a huge part in relationships, and particularly the way a couple manages their married life. The safest thing to do is to avoid being driven by the fear of the unknown. Marriage demands commitment.

Send your relationship questions to [email protected]