My husband adds no value to this marriage, why should I stay with him?

Dear Pastor Kitoto,

I’m 28 while my fiancé is 25. We’ve been together for three years and have a year-old daughter. When I met him, he was jobless, therefore I was the one providing everything. I even took it upon myself to apply for jobs on his behalf, and shortly after our daughter was born, he got one. This man is unfaithful, and even has affairs with co-workers.

I’ve confronted him about it, but he denies it even though I’ve proof. I feel that our age difference could be the problem. I also feel that he’s forcing himself to be with me and our daughter, that this might not be the kind of life he wanted for himself, though he denies this as well. He has threatened that should I leave him, he will commit suicide.

My other problem is that he’s not a good provider either since I still take care of the bigger chunk of the bills. I hate my life, and have made a decision to leave him at any cost and move on with my life. His family and I are close and they have been encouraging me to stay with him, but I feel I need a break especially because I feel I don't love him anymore. Moreover, he adds no value to my life. Please advise me.

Hi there,
I empathise with you and can see why you would be in turmoil. On one side is the insincerity and inconsistent behaviour of this man, and on the other is the support and love you have from his family.

However, as much as extended families provide the much needed shoulder to cry on, you are still living with a man that is deficient in many ways.

You raise several issues. The first is the age difference between the two of you. Well, one can be advanced in age but remain immature in the mind, however, I also believe that the attitude we have concerning marrying a younger or older person can affect how we perceive them, treat them and relate to them.

BAD COMPANY

Age can therefore become a weapon couples use to control and manipulate each other, or an excuse for irresponsible behaviour.

Another factor to consider is whether your husband’s work environment could be an enabler of promiscuity. Which colleagues has he befriended, for instance? The fact is that bad company can corrupt good morals. Does his job demand long hours away from home?

Also worth considering is that though he may have the stability he needs at home, sexual enjoyment and fulfilment is lacking. I must, however, point out that such situations do not necessarily lead to affairs. After all, having an affair is a conscious decision that one makes.

You say that he has threatened to commit suicide should you leave him. My take is that this is manipulative behaviour which has no place in marriage, and you should firmly tell him so.

Before you walk away, if you would like to salvage your marriage, I suggest that you leverage on the good relationship you have with his family and involve them in finding a solution for your challenges. One of the aims of this is to seek to understand why he behaves the way he does and how committed he is to your marriage. This will inform the decision that you make.

She is dating another man but I still love her…

Hello Pastor,

I recently broke up with a girl I had been dating since January this year. At the start of our relationship, things were fine — she had time for me, and then suddenly, she began to avoid me.

Eventually, she accused me of not understanding her and listed several shortcomings she found in me. Well, the problem is that even though she has moved on and is in a relationship with someone else, I still love her. I don't know what to do. Please help me.

Hi,
I will get to the point. You need to get a handle on the feelings you have for a woman that has moved on to date another man. It is highly improbable that she still loves you if she is already in a relationship with someone else.

I suggest that you use this time to reflect on how to become a better person. I’m glad that she told you what she found unsatisfying about your relationship, therefore, you have somewhere to start.

I must stress that it is important that you come to terms with what has happened because if you don’t, you might end up getting depressed. So, what can you do to set yourself free?

Learn to let go: Letting go of someone you still have strong feelings for is difficult, since one cannot imagine a life without that person. Though this might be the case, you have to face reality and move on.

Don’t fight a losing battle: The belief that you can fight for the person you love until you win them back is, to some extent, a fallacy. You could win them back, but you will end up regretting the decision every time you disagree.

The best decision is to let go, and the sooner you do, the sooner you start to heal. Letting go should be easier because you were just dating partners not a married couple. That your girlfriend chose another man over you does not make you a failure, it just means that you are free to love again.

Redirect your focus: I encourage you to walk through the two steps above and then redirect your focus to other areas of your life such as career and character development.

Don’t allow your life to revolve around someone that does not want you. Even more important, do not allow her actions to limit your ability to move forward with your life. A practical way to regain focus includes getting friends to keep you accountable, people that you can reach out to when you need encouragement.

Finally, learning to forgive yourself and her too is good medicine for healing and enables you to face the future without regret. Look at it this way: maybe this relationship was never meant to be.