My husband won’t stop punishing me for being recognised at work

Dear Kitoto

I’m a Kenyan woman living with disability, married to a disabled man. We have two children and have been living happily for the last seven years. The disharmony in our marriage started last year when my husband started initiating quarrels over issues that should not upset him.

For example, in my workplace, I was chosen to attend a certain staff training, a factor that, for some reason, angered him, never mind that not once did I arrive home late in the duration of the training. He later apologised and asked for my forgiveness, but he keeps up bringing past issues into present ones.

Hello,

Seven years of life together amounts to a lot of history that includes uncommunicated and unfulfilled expectations, besides all the good and exciting times the two of you have had together.

Could it be that your husband is being driven by personal insecurities that make him act the way he is acting towards you? I suggest that you initiate dialogue that will lead both of you on a path of disclosure. Do not trivialise his fears. They may appear insignificant, but by listening to him and seeking to know what his fears could be, you will arrive at a solution. If this is hard for you, seek the help of a counsellor.

My fiancé is an outrageous serial cheat

Hi Kitoto,
Mine is a long and complicated problem, but I will highlight the most important aspects. I am a 35-year-old woman and my fiancé is of the same age.

We have known each other for the last five years. We got engaged after I got pregnant, after which we started living together a year later.

Our parents know each other, but his his family is yet to pay dowry. Even though my fiancé is a good provider and a good father to our child, he has broken my trust in him on several occasions. When we started dating, he failed to disclose to me that he had recently separated from his wife of two years, a rift caused by the woman’s inability to conceive.

This is not all, a month into the pregnancy, he revealed to me that he had proposed to another woman a few months earlier, though he insisted he did not want her.

He profusely apologised, promising me he will never do anything behind my back again. I forgave him.

Pastor Kitoto, recent events have been the straw that have broken the camel's back, making me question if this was really the person God meant for me.

I recently got employed, and was relieved when my fiancé managed to get one. However, it turns out that he knew this house help, who had apparently worked for a woman who my fiancé had had an affair with, an affair that produced a child. Anyway, he dared to ask her for sex several times, and even fondled her at one point.

I got to find this out from video recordings, the irony being that my intention to spy had been to see how the help was treating my young child. I called his parents and my parents and confronted him with the evidence, but he denied it, yet when we were left alone together, he admitted having a child, but denied having an affair with the house help, saying that he only kissed her. Pastor Kitoto, I feel I deserve better, please advise me.

Hi,
I empathise with you. The beginning of a relationship must be built around some key pillars: First is faithful disclosure about significant past and present issues that could affect one’s relationship.

Second is honesty and taking responsibility for our actions, in particular, our failures. Third is accountability - spouses must be accountable to each other.It is clear your fiancé has a flawed character, one that lacks integrity. His constant denial when you confront him with evidence also reveals a lack of honesty.

As you make a decision, you need to reconcile with the fact that he lied to you on several occasions, making your relationship a lie. This being the case, one would wonder how many other lies has he told you.

God has designed life in such a way that lies cannot be hidden forever, and no, true reconciliation will not happen through a mere sorry. Worth noting also is that exposure and admission of guilt alone will not do. For example, if he admits having had affairs outside your relationship, does that mean that he will he stop the habit?

One other issue that requires serious discussion is where his allegiance lies - is it with you? If so, he has to show this through his commitment towards you and your child. When all is said and done though, your faith in God, your values and what you desire from life should influence the choice you make – to stay or to leave.

I cannot stand my husband anymore – should I walk away from my 20-year marriage?

Hi Kitoto,

I am a born again Christian, married for 20 years. My husband is unfaithful. When I got married to him, I realised that he had many photos of different girls. I thought that it was a stage that was going to pass now that we were married. Then came the first time he cheated on me with a woman in whose wedding we were the best-couple.

Since then, he has been involved with at least three women who I know about. He is secretive, and even switches his phone off when it is charging.

Nowadays, we don’t talk about our marriage. As our problems have piled up, so has animosity and bitterness. Generally, he is supportive with money and with the children, but is emotionally distant towards me.

When we are with other people, you would never suspect that we have problems because we are good at pretending. I am thinking of leaving him although our pastor and my parents are against it. I am so unhappy. What do I do?

Hi,

When we find ourselves struggling with failures and faults in our relationships, how do we address our disappointments?

I am glad that you are born again and I commend you for believing in your marriage and giving it a whole 20 years. What we have to accept concerning relationships is that we are relating with imperfect people. Knowing this is key to seeking how to deal with disappointments in relationships.

The need to be honest while at the same time being patient as we build a relationship that works for both of us is key. Sadly, when the reality we face doesn’t match up to the fantasy we have built concerning love, it leaves us disappointed.

You mentioned that although your husband is supportive financially, he falls short in meeting your emotional needs. This may be the case, however, do you realise that the moment one spouse discovers some level of unfaithfulness in the relationship, the tendency is to hold back their intimate feelings towards their partner?

Until both of you start walking towards re-establishment of trust, this connection will continue to crumble. As you rebuild trust, love has to move from being a feeling to an expression of endurance, patience, and kindness in the midst of such betrayal. Prayer and faith will have to lead you to trust God to break this bondage over him.

LOVE

Your new definition of love will help you commit to the cost of building such a love. Your desired deep relationship will lead you to create a space for deeper conversations that will enable both of you know how to support each other through your failures. You don’t have to wait to be loved, you can make a choice to love and be the demonstration of God’s love to your husband.

The question is no longer whether we are called to such a mission of caring and supporting each through failures of life, rather, the realisation that we are called by God to live this way.

It appears public image is important to your husband, that is why he puts up a show to the outside world – could this be a sign that he still cares about your marriage?

To walk this road with civility, start by celebrating the good you see in him, particularly the responsibility towards your children and your financial needs. The fact that he is committed in this way to you and the children needs to be appreciated.

Second, share your disappointment about the alleged affairs. Let him know that as much as you love him and appreciate the support he gives you and your children, your marriage is running on empty. Third, suggest the need for professional help. What kind of counsellor will both of you be comfortable with?

Fourth, separation may be an option for you, but is it the right decision? Think about the choice you want to make and the resultant consequences.

Carefully weigh your options and the impact this will have on your family. It is one thing to point a finger, but another to honestly evaluate your own actions and what they could have done to him. Having a counsellor who can dissect through this situation will help greatly.

Do you have a relationship question? Email DN2@@ke.nationmedi.com