What should I do with this man that lacks drive and ambition?

Dear Pastor Kitoto,

I’m desperate. My husband and I have been together for six years but he has never held a job nor provided for our family. I’ve talked to him and I’ve linked him up with opportunities. I even helped him open a business which he ran with little enthusiasm, a factor that is affecting our relationship. I’m beginning to seriously resent him.

For the last 10 months I haven’t had a job but I managed to get a part time teaching job and odd jobs to keep us all afloat. He hasn’t lifted a finger all this while. Am I the problem? Do I work too hard? Can this problem ever be resolved? Will I live a bitter life forever? Do I leave him? I’m distraught over this. I’ve tried counselling but it didn’t help.

He however steps in and does duties that I can’t do such as picking and dropping our two children to and from school, attend school meetings and generally run small errands for me.

Hello there,

I sympathise with the hardship and worries you have been through. It appears as if your husband’s main issue is not necessarily lack of a job. If indeed he has never found one, or moved in to take advantage of the opportunities you presented him, including setting up a business for him, there is cause for worry.

From one perspective, it could be that the job vacancies he has had were not in areas he felt comfortable in. Or maybe he rejected them to avoid appearing as though you, his wife found him a job.

Some men would resent the fact that their wives went out of their way to find a job for them, a fear that is often connected to cultural beliefs or upbringing.

That said, your husband must have a passion for either a job or a strong desire that says, “I will do any kind of work so that I can place food on the table for my family.”

BUSINESS

Appearing to force him to get a job or run a business of your choice could make him withdraw, however, your feelings are justified when seen from the perspective of his apparent inaction and inability to contribute to the needs of the family.

The fact that you have been the sole provider for the family since you got married can be both tiring, demoralising and a source of conflict. Men who fail to support their families add unnecessary burden to the wife and family. This is where your frustration is coming from.

Sadly, no one can force your husband to look for a job, but he may possibly benefit from a career or family counsellor who can help him work through whatever is holding him back. May be sitting with such a professional will encourage him to talk about his fears and may be even rediscover himself and start on a journey of recovery.

Your disappointment and pain is real particularly if he expects you to provide everything for your family.

I really would not want to look too much into the circumstances that led to the inception of your relationship, after all, you are in a marriage now, you have children to care for and a home that needs a certain level of sanity for the positive growth of the children.

FRUSTRATION

As much as your commitment is commendable, your current attitude and frame of mind has been bashed to the extent that you also need to deal with your frustration, bitterness and disappointment. A sober mind is essential if you are to provide the much needed support to your children in the midst of such challenges. Take time to address your inner fears, stress, and pain.

You mentioned separation. Whether you are to leave him or remain will depend on a few factors: First, are you willing to deal with your inner pain so that you can gain a clear perspective of the situation?

Second, are you willing to have a sit down with a counsellor to talk about the support you can give your husband?

Third, is your husband willing to see a counsellor with you to resolve his inner issues? These questions will help shed light on the path ahead.

Dear Pastor Kitoto,

I have been married for over 25 years and have five children. After giving birth to my last born eight years ago, my husband told me that he will never have sex with me again because all I do is give birth. I tried to talk to him and even promised not to get pregnant again but he said the topic was over and that we would live like that until we died. Since then, I have not had sexual intercourse with my husband or any other man. What do I do because I have feelings too? My husband does not live with us because he works in another town and travels a lot. Please advise me.

Hi there,

What really is the real reason behind your husband refusing to have sex with you? If indeed his reason is to ensure that you don’t get pregnant again, were these five pregnancies mutually agreed on, or did you assume that is what he wanted and went ahead to decide for him? If he was not part of the decision, he may be looking for a way to hit back.

To resolve this issue, I suggest getting to the bottom of the real reason behind his refusal to be intimate with you. I would also suggest that you go down memory lane and ask yourself a couple of questions: For instance, did your husband enjoy having sex with you? If not, when did his dislike for sex start? I believe that he is using the pregnancy factor to possibly hide the real reason for keeping away from you.

I would also want you to consider reviewing why he is so resentful about you getting pregnant. Is he blaming sex for the five children you have and possibly did not want?

PRESSURE

Is there pressure to provide for your five children hence his resentment? If his problem is the number of children or the lack of consensus on the number of children you should have had, then it is important for this to be addressed. If he refuses to have a discussion, then there could be a deeper issue that he is not willing to disclose. You say that he works away from home.

One would therefore also wonder if his being absent from home most of the time has anything to do with his reaction. Some men may act this way if they have another relationship or find sex at home less fulfilling.

There is definitely a lot you need to find out. Giving up on him will only create a wider distance between the two of you. There is also the fact that you cannot force him to be intimate with you. Since sex is consensual, this discussion will have to take place through an open and free environment made possible by the two of you. If there is nothing to hide, love and willingness to save your marriage will salvage your relationship.

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