My husband left me for another woman, now he wants me back

Hello Pastor Kitoto,

I dated this man for five years and we were happy for that duration. One day, however, we quarrelled and ended up separating. Shortly after, he married a woman he had dated for just three weeks. After a week of living together, he came back, telling me that he still loved me very much. I have tried to let him go, but my heart refuses to. The worst thing about this situation is that we work together. Should I resign or follow my heart?

Hi there,

What keeps coming to mind is that this man left you for another woman. I, therefore, need to ask: what prompted this?

Why did he find it so easy to leave you? What has changed to make him want to return to you? Also, as you battle with what to do, remember that he is now a married man with a wife in his house.

If indeed he rejected you for another, it could just be that he got what he wanted, but still wants to use you.

I suggest you critically consider my questions. If he still feels that he still loves you, then you may need to ask yourself what love is. Love is a choice, not merely a feeling.

You also need to hear the truth — there is more to this story — no one just wakes up one day and decides to marry someone he has known for just three weeks.

Marriage is not a three-week process. It could be that he was with this woman all along, but you never knew it.

However, if he married a woman he barely knew just to get back at you, he still is not fit for you. Don’t set yourself up to be wounded a second time.

I also feel that you need to take yourself more seriously. If you become too accepting in such cases, then one could easily question your values and how high you regard yourself.

I suggest that you let him live with the choice he made.

As for resigning, if I were you, I wouldn’t do it. If you resign, how many more times are you going to be on the run from those you don’t see eye-to-eye with?

If you, however, cannot bring yourself to see him every day, request for a transfer to another department. If I were you, I would run and never look back

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Hi Pastor Kitoto

I’m 34 years old and have been married for 10 years. I feel really stressed because of my husband. We were living happily until 2012, when he went to work in another country and married a woman there without informing me. He said he would return home in December, but I was against the idea because I wanted him to first settle a debt I had incurred because of him, a Sh450,000 loan I took and gave him to set up a business.

However, he ignored my protests and came back with the woman. After some time, he went back and left her there after renting her a house. He began to splash any money he got on her.

He asked her to join him and paid the air tickets for her and her children (she is divorced). He stayed there with her for nine months without sending me any money, apart from the children’s school fees. Now he is back in the country and, funny enough, he told me that he had left the woman and that we should reconcile and start afresh. I later learnt that he had come back with her.

What hurts me most is that he wants me to give him money to set up a business, yet I am repaying a loan because of him. Where do I get the money to give him? He wants me to sell my land.

Kindly advise me on what to do. I’m confused. I don’t know how long he expects me to support him when he is making life.

Hi,

I can see that you now know what sort of person your husband is. I just wonder why you are still listening to him.

I do not think he has anything new to offer. I do not see the need to indulge in the past you had together.

Your solution lies right in your history. First, he cannot be trusted. Second, you have enough evidence that he is a liar.

So what is confusing you? Do not allow yourself to be manipulated or taken for granted.

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I am tired of my polygamous marriage

Pastor Kitoto,

I’ve been married for close to 11 years, but I’ve been quite unhappy. I’m in a polygamous marriage. My husband is a businessman; I’m a teacher. He has difficulty supporting me, but I’ve seen my children through school. I have on many occasions sought a separation, but he will not let me go. However, I no longer have any feelings for him. What do I do?

Hello,

Eleven years of marriage, particularly if you are his first wife, is something you should not take for granted.

I would imagine that in a polygamous marriage, it is difficult to give equal focus to the needs of those involved.

It does not matter how much you encourage him to focus on you and your children because it goes without saying that his attention is divided.

Trying to change his mind and lifestyle will be difficult if he does not make such a conscious decision on the kind of life and marriage he wants.

Your job, therefore, is to focus on living right and walking towards healing the wounds you are carrying.

What you have to come to terms with is the fact that healing and a feeling of wholeness will never be truly complete as long as your focus is on his other wife and what she is getting from your husband.

Let your focus change; make yourself the woman who draws strength from a healthy self-esteem.

Moving out might seem like the easiest way out, but if you are the first wife, the noble thing to do is to evaluate what causes you the greatest pain and deal with it.

SAY FOCUSED
Would you rather lose your marriage to the second wife or would you rather remain and be an example to your children on how to face the challenges life throws at you?

Leaving might not necessarily bring you the satisfaction you are looking for. I would urge you to think about what is best for you and the future of your children.

True, polygamous marriages not only bring pain to the spouses who feel aggrieved and are in constant competition, but also introduces an angle in the marriage where jealousy, mistrust, unfaithfulness and keeping secrets from one another reigns.

While this is true, don’t allow yourself to be drawn into this exhausting game. Focus on living the best life you can considering the circumstances you are in.

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