Thank you so much for the good work you are doing. I have been in this marriage for 20 years. I would say that my husband is a loving, not abusive, trustworthy and for most of the time caring man. His business occasionally does well and out of the big contracts he gets, he gets paid well.
He feels free to share everything from when he applies for the contracts, when delivers the supplies and how much he will be paid.
However, my issue with him is that he never takes advice from me. He dictates everything, particularly on money.
As a result, he has made many mistakes that include losing finances to friends, relatives and business partners.
He does not seem to learn from these mistakes, and my advice always falls in deaf ears. When he has money, I am given a total blackout.
At this time, it is his friends and siblings that come into the picture and get money from him. He has never been abusive but I get frustrated when I get this feeling that I am not needed when it comes to money. Am I a foreigner as far as discussing money is concerned?
The description you have given of your man is perplexing. On one hand, he is such a caring and trustworthy man who has never physically abused you.
At a glance, one would think, “What a man?” I admire the way he involves you in the planning of the business, to communicating with you about when payment is expected and how much he expects to earn. On the other hand, I am surprised that he turns around and give you a blackout when the money finally comes.
It appears like there is a disconnect somewhere. First, could it be that although he is open to you on many fronts, he is yet to trust and include you with finances? Second, are there any financial habits from your past that could cause him withhold such information?
Third, could there be some level of control and influence from his friends and relatives that overrides his ability to involve you? Finally, could he be having a distorted view concerning finances in marriage?
I suggest that you review the kind of advice he initially seeks from you and the kind of responses you normally give.
If the advice you give appears manipulative or selfish, this could arouse his inner fears.
When he shares business or financial information, do you hear him out or do you dominate and seek to give him a recipe on what the money will or will not do. In addition, how does he view your attitude towards those who matter to him?
As much as giving attention to them and sidelining you is wrong, he has to feel and know that the money will be safe with both of you.
If he has a soft or weak barrier when it comes to dealing with relatives and friends on money, I suggest that: as you affirm him on the coming projects that he wants to do, extend the discussion to concerns you may have in re-investment into the business without appearing to condemn his actions his relatives and his friends. Avoid appearing judgmental.
I also suggest that you be affirming with your words, in particularly, voicing out the good that he does at home before you bring out your concerns and new ideas where you feel the family could invest in.
In building consensus, it is important for you not to allow your negative feelings spoil the good you have in the relationship. Don’t let him feel like you are on a war path with his family. Look out for, and encourage him to attend financial and investment seminars.
Should I move in with this other man now that my husband abandoned us?
Dear Mr Kitoto,
I have been married for six years before discovering that my husband has been cheating on me. He moved out and lives with the other woman, who is a divorcee. When we talk, he informs me that he loves both of us and wants both of us as his wives.
He pays all our bills, and I decided to move on with my daughter. She is also aware that her father has married another woman.
My daughter and I go to church, and she keeps praying for her dad to come back home. Although I know God hates divorce, I really feel cheated and want to move on. Recently, he asked me to give him another child. That was disgusting to say the least. There is a man who wants to come and live with us. I love him but my daughter appears angry at the idea. What do I do?
I admire the resilience of your daughter in keeping hope alive. She has been brave to pray and believe that your husband will turn around.
Such a faith from your daughter is not only commendable but radical. Your daughter needs to be supported to grow in her faith and to focus on God in her future.
After all, it is you who mentioned and could have possible talked to her about God who hates divorce.
What she now needs is to learn from you that as much as life is tough, faith will reward us greatly if we do not lose heart. May be she also needs to learn the need to persevere in moments of adversity.
Your husband embraces values so different from yours. However, you need not discard your values and kill the faith of your daughter for a relationship you are not sure about. Your values should make you stand up against personal desires that could break your faith.
Communicate clearly to your husband that marriage is not just about making babies but it is about lasting faithfulness.
Returning to you just because he wants another baby is both selfish and uncaring.
He should not turn you into a baby machine. What will happen after the baby comes? This just proves where values are.
You are a person with feelings and with responsibility of caring for your daughter. As much as he pays the bills, he needs to be present as a parent. Be clear about the conditions under which he is allowed into the house.
I am of the opinion that this new man in your life could just be love on rebound. As a Christian, where is your faith and your values?
Your daughter needs to see you live for what you believe in. This new entry into your life may fulfil your current emotional need but could as well be the beginning of a future pain that could tear you apart. Do not let your faith fail. Don’t end up becoming what you hated in your husband.
I must however commend your husband for keeping his commitment to the family. This is something to be appreciated.
This is a duty he has to fulfil. Make it possible for him to discharge this duty without introducing another complication.
Your daughter must remain your first priority. After all, you can’t marry a man she does not want for a father.