KITOTO: My love for my boss is taking a toll on my work

Hi,

My problem is kind of complicated but I know you can help. Six months ago, I got a job at some company as a saleslady. It didn’t take long — less than a week — for me to fall in love with my boss, who is married. I am also married.

At first I thought it was just lust but I still have romantic feelings for him even as I am writing to you. We have planned a future together. We will have a baby after a year, but things have become complicated at work now. My boss lives far from the company and only comes around after two weeks.

At first things were fine and I was happy. I could see him every time he came, but these days he can come and go without my seeing him. He has been so busy that I don’t get time with him anymore. I tend to think he’s actually busy like he says he is since he takes care of so many things.

When I try explaining to him how I feel of late, he says I should take things easy, and that he doesn’t have a problem with me. I don’t know what to do since my performance at work has also been greatly affected. I love him very much and I don’t want to lose him.

Please help. I am 21 years old.

Hi,

Thank you for sharing. Certain facts arise from your e-mail.

First is that you are both married. Second is that you are dating your boss, which is in itself unethical. Third is that you are still young in marriage, which gives you the opportunity to look for ways of making it work instead of messing it up.

Since the two of you are married and are in committed relationships, the first hurdle I see here is that you have betrayed your partners’ trust. My question is, would it be okay with you if you discovered that your husband had an arranged relationship behind your back? Of course the answer is “no”.

A week and you are in love with someone else’s husband? That is definitely a crush. Such relationships do not last. This man has a reputation, job, and marriage he might want to protect. Ethically, such a relationship is wrong.

Some people say that workplace relationships make the situation complicated, even where the relationship is between equals. But in a case where there is an intimate relationship between a boss and his subordinate, the dynamics can end up turning toxic for the workplace environment or polarising and having a negative impact on the entire organisation. The feelings you have for him will make you want him to grant you certain favours. Others will begin to feel the same, leading to jealousy and competition, which will put him in an awkward position.

As much as such a relationship can be romantic, chances are that it can have drastic effects on one’s career and health. This is why many organisations discourage romantic relations among their employees. You are young, with a bright career and future ahead that you need to develop. You don’t want to spoil your marriage and career for short-lived fun and enjoyment.

I want to move on but fear getting hurt again

Dear Philip,

I am a single, 34-year-old woman with a five-year-old son. I broke up with my boyfriend shortly after our son was born. He was my first love and I loved him with my whole being, not knowing he was playing with my heart.

I was so heartbroken that I have never dated again. I feel I need to move on but I fear being left heartbroken again. I have raised my son single-handed and we cut communication many years ago. I need your genuine advice on this; will I be able to get a loving and caring husband again?

Desperate Lady

Hi,

The truth is that I cannot guarantee you that.

However, I must commend you on your focus and desire to get your priorities in place after the break-up. The truth is that a break-up leaves both or one of the partners deeply wounded and afraid of getting romantically involved again. In your case, there are two crucial issues.

First, sort yourself out emotionally by dealing with your fears. I think you have grown wiser and are better placed to make wiser judgements today than you did earlier.

Second, I would pray that you remember the gains you have made in bringing up your son as a single mother. You have done well. What you do not want to see is a disruption of all you have achieved. Your choices from now on should be based on this. Do not allow yourself to be led like a sheep to the slaughter.

Think carefully about your future decisions and ensure that you know the person who is interested in dating you very well. Getting married for you will not be simply about meeting your needs, but whether the man will be a great father and husband. Getting such a man will mean greater homework on your part. 

I can’t fall in love; am I heartless?

Hi,

I am 22 years old and have never fallen in love. I quickly lose interest in the men I date. I do not trust anyone and hence find it hard to believe any guy. At times I wonder whether my marriage would last.

When I am in a relationship, I behave as if I am deeply in love when in reality I feel nothing. In fact, after a break-up, I move on as if nothing happened. My friends say I am heartless. I do not envy weddings although I attend my friends’ weddings. I wonder what my problem is.

Hi,

What I am getting from you is the value you place on the relationships you have had in the past. If you are not in love, what, then, would push you to be involved? If the need for relationships is the satisfaction of lust or desires you might be having, then your attachment will last as long as the desire lasts.

Another issue has to do with trust. Trust is closely connected to the value you place on people. If you see others as objects to use for your personal advantage, then the level of trust in building a long-term relationship will be limited. You must get to the point where people mean something to you. When your friends say you are heartless, could this be part of the problem?

Break-ups, though normal, can leave one apprehensive of relationships and hence see no value for long-term connections.

Most counsellors would refer you back to your early experiences. Was there something that might have affected you negatively? Maybe the way people treated you, related to you, or handled those close to you? In some cases, if a person was negatively affected by others, the experiences affect the way that person relates to others in future.

 I would suggest that you seek out a family counsellor to dig deep into your past. There could be issues that you might need to confront and deal with.

Send your relationship questions to [email protected]

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HOW TO BE SINGLE AND HAPPY

Today’s unmarried singles face many challenges. However, forming the right perspective of oneself is key to succeeding in life. A heathy self-image is important to high performance. Here are some tips:

 

1. Try to win other people’s trust instead of allowing anxiety to drive your actions and choices. Be yourself and don’t allow others to box you in. No one makes you the person you become apart from yourself. Your future is not determined by those who hate and accuse you, but by your daily beliefs, choices and decisions. The perspective you have of yourself is key to your self-assessment and self-image.

 

2. Establish clear values that form your boundary. However, you must be the first person to value the boundaries you set for yourself. Values are there to protect you from harming yourself and to protect you from others who might hurt you.

You are safe when your values, rather than your feelings, guide you. Values provide you with a roadmap and prevent you from acting irrationally. They help you manage and direct your feelings in meaningful and productive ways.

 

3. Build friendships that add value to who you are. We are never completed by others, and they do not define our identity. If you allow yourself to be driven by pressure from others, you surely conform to their pattern of life. God did not create us to be victims to our feelings and fear.

Don’t desire to change your status just because you want a cure for your loneliness or to satisfy other people’s critical view of you.