KITOTO: My son’s father has abandoned us - Daily Nation

KITOTO: My son’s father has abandoned us

Monday August 20 2018

My son’s father walked out on me two weeks before I delivered and is not concerned about our 17-month old baby.

My son’s father walked out on me two weeks before I delivered and is not concerned about our 17-month old baby. PHOTO | FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP 

By PHILIP KITOTO
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Dear Kitoto,

I appreciate your great work.

I am 25 years old and relationships have been a bit tough for me. So far I have been in four relationships, and all of them have left me heartbroken. I am a mother of a 17-month-old son.

However, my son’s father is not concerned about the child. He never asks how his son is doing; he doesn’t even know what the baby looks like. I keep asking myself for how long I will continue to bear the heartbreaks.

Will my son grow up without a father because right now I am at a point where I can't love again? The men I meet have all cheated on me even though I loved them with all my heart and was 100 percent loyal to them. My son’s father walked out on me two weeks before I delivered. Please help me find the right way forward because I’m depressed.

Hi,

I encourage you not to open yourself to situations that will end up confusing you and making you even more anxious.

Living a focused life is important, particularly when you consider the duties and responsibilities ahead of you. You have to realise that there are certain issues that you will have to consider and deal with as you think of someone to spend the rest of your life with.

First, you are a mother and a provider for a 17-month old. You are responsible for him and how he matures and takes his place in society. Now, this child has a biological father even though he has abandoned the two of you. Sometimes, accepting this and dealing with it helps achieve some level of closure.

One of your key responsibilities is to make a man out of your son by exposing him to your brothers or uncles who can influence his life. Try to put him on a trajectory that will steer him clear of the kind of life that would mess his future or that of others.

That said, I must add that I have come across many single parents who have done, and continue to do, a splendid job of giving such children—born out of wedlock or otherwise—a hope and a future.

Dedication and focus will help you help this boy make good choices for himself in future. It is equally important to realise that the way he matures will depend in part on how he sees you process, and deal with, issues to do with men. You have a duty to help him be a good man. Therefore, giving him quality time and undivided attention is key if you want to give him hope for the future.

Second, since your hands might seem full, particularly in the absence of your son’s father who has shirked his responsibility, you might be disappointed with life, harassed and overwhelmed. Complaining about his failure to be there for you might just worsen and lengthen the healing process. I suggest that you deal with these disappointments fully and not allow either anxiety or fear of the future to lead you into making decisions you might live to regret.

Third, you should be sure you are seeking another relationship for the right reasons. Indeed. your must have experienced lonely moments. when you have felt lonely the need for a companion.

However, although good and pleasurable, marriage does not complete you, nor does it free you from feeling lonely. You will agree with me that there are many, people who, though married and seemingly having fun in their marriages, are discouraged and lonely, and regretting why they took such a step.

Interrogating and striving to understand the reasons behind your choices is one way of safeguarding your future from further pain and hurt that could have been easily avoided. This is all about being careful how you live. Choices you make have a major impact the future you are planning.

It is, therefore, important for you to seriously consider, and watch out for, the reasons leading you to long for another relationship?

Fourth, being a single mother is not easy, leave alone finding someone who needs to be both a husband, friend, and father to your son. Be careful not to gain a husband and lose a son. Avoid presenting yourself in a way that might make men take advantage of you. Have some basic value system to peg your life on.

Your current feelings about your love life and fears about your son are genuine. However, you can never erase the past. The future, though key, must be built on a firm foundation of faith and the right values that will help you remain focused. Nothing is easy.

Relationships are not only complicated to a certain extent, but also need wisdom and a calm mind. Your intelligence will depend on how soberly you approach life.

I suggest that, as you consider and walk through what I have said: 1) you begin to establish your priorities; this will help you invest your energy in the right places; and 3) you will set clear goals for yourself and your son to live by, and that they will be great choices.

What should I do to make my relationships last?

Hi Kitoto,

I am a 30-year-old man. My problem is that when I get into a relationship, it doesn’t last. The last time I found a woman whom I truly loved and who also loved me dearly. But after a short while the love I had for her disappeared. I don't know how to keep a relationship going, but I now want to get married. However, I don't want to break a woman's heart. What could be the problem? Please help. Haron

Hi,
Two things stand out from your e-mail: first, the fact that you have been in relationships is evidence enough that being in a relationship is not the problem.

However, just because you can find a partner and begin a relationship is no guarantee that it will last. Relationships are both dynamic and complex. Since people are affected differently by the change agents of life, the way they respond might have a positive or negative impact on the relationship.

So, just what should you do to keep a relationship going despite the ups and downs you might experience? From the onset, turn your difficult moments into learning experiences that lead to growth.

Indeed, tough times or conflicts or indifference are likely to come at some point. However, some relationships stagnate and take a downward spiral because the partners do not turn their tough moments into opportunities for growth.

In addition, instead of blaming each other and getting bored, create for yourselves new opportunities for adventure and fun. When a couple loses those moments of fun and adventure, their life starts becoming dull.

Closeness comes when a couple consciously decides to involve intelligence in the way they relate. This might include the way they speak to, and treat, each other. The way you communicate tells a great deal the value you place on the relationship.

Second is the fact that your relationships do not last long, and this is causing you fear and anxiety. It is part of relational dynamics that you might feel differently. It is, therefore, key to pinpoint the cause.

For example, what do you look for in a relationship? Do you lose interest in the women the moment you realise that you are no longer getting what you hoped for in that relationship? What is the motivation for you in a relationship?

These are some of the questions you should ask yourself. When you start to interrogate your life honestly, you will begin to see the issues you need to work on. Perhaps all you need to do is change your perspective of relationships.

Your fear of hurting a woman along the way will go away only if you choose to be unfaithful. Get into a relationship after doing your homework. For you to faithfully commit to any woman, you must have built trust.

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