I married my wife almost 30 years ago but only because she was pregnant. I was reluctant to take her in but due to pressure from my mother, I gave in. I was almost sure that I was not responsible for the pregnancy, though. She gave birth to a baby boy, who is now a young adult. Some 10 years after we got married, an old man from a neighbouring village started claiming that the boy was his grandson. I confronted him about it, but he was evasive, yet he continued laying claim to the boy. I talked to my father-in-law about the matter, but he was not of much help. Apparently, I knew the purported father of the boy, since we grew up seeing each other. Years later, my wife's phone rang while we were having supper. She did not receive the call but instead disconnected it and deleted the number, which I thought was peculiar. I demanded to know who had called, but she explained that the call was from a pastor who was hitting on her. I did not buy the explanation and decided to investigate the matter, which led me to the suspected father of “my son”. To cut a long story short, my wife admitted that this boy I had assumed was my son was indeed another man’s. By then, he had already completed Form Four and I was the one who had been paying school fees and taking care of his needs alone as his father without any assistance from the mother. I later took the boy to college, which he completed, but I remain a disturbed “father and husband”. When I think of it all, at times I become very angry with myself. Here is how things stand:
1. The trust that I had for my wife is gone; what do I do about it?
2. I have been doubting that these other children I am bringing up are mine: how do I banish these doubts?
3. How do I relate to this boy that I have brought up yet is not my biological son?
4. My wife is reluctant to let go of the boy, yet I feel that I have done more than enough for him. Do I chase both of them out of my home? I cannot imagine the boy being my heir.
5. I did mention that I talked to my father-in-law about my concerns but he was not of any help. This eroded my trust in him. And as things stand, he might be involved in the cover-up. How do I handle this matter going forward? Note that my father passed away and my only existing uncle has got issues with our family.
Thanks in advance for saving a soul or more.
Thirty years of marriage is a long time, and a lot has happened within this period, including raising your son and even taking him to college. I call him your son because you are the only father he has known.
I therefore congratulate you on a job well done despite knowing that your wife lied to get married to you.
Looking at where the two of you are at the moment, it is important to approach this issues with a sober mind.
The fact that you have proved her to have lied should not be used as a weapon against her. Your broken trust can only be rebuilt starting with forgiveness.
It is also important to ask yourself certain key questions: first, should your children, including your boy, suffer because of your wife’s mistake?
Second, if you had not discovered this lie, would anything have changed in the way you relate to your wife and your children?
Third, what angers you most — is it the fact that you were lied to or that you ended up educating a boy that was not your own flesh and blood?
Do you find any pleasure in having given this child an opportunity to grow and become the best he can be?
Of course this discovery has caused you lots of pain. Doubting your wife’s past and future actions seems to be dealing a blow on your healing.
Rebuilding trust will help lessen these doubts. It will definitely hurt you and your children if these doubts are allowed to manifest.
It is said that people who are hurting tend to hurt others, consciously or unconsciously. Your actions therefore must not be driven by revenge.
You may not be this boy’s biological father but you raised him. You have loved, cared for and educated him.
In addition, even though the mother, while knowing who the real father was, chose to keep it from you, rejecting the boy will not make things better or ease the sense of betrayal you feel.
I think you would be stooping low to throw out your son or wife after 30 years.
I suggest that you sit down with a counsellor and share your disappointment and current disillusionment. Talking about it with a professional will help you make sense out of this.
Confucius, the Chinese philosopher, once said, “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”
Remember that in every difficulty hides a blessing. As for forcing your wife to abandon your son, no one can deprive a mother of her relationship with her child.
She is his biological mother and it would be naive to expect her to abandon him.
I see your call on her to let go of her son as a sign that you still love her, but you do not want this boy in your life since he reminds you of a lie you would rather not confront.
It also appears as if the boy is now receiving the brunt of your anger.
Do not direct the anger you have towards your wife to an innocent young man who had nothing to do with the pain you are going through.
As I said earlier, your son knows no other father but you. It would break his heart if you rejected him.
Angry as you may be, I don’t think this is what you would want for him.
I am sorry that your father-in-law is not supportive of you. If he was aware of the lie or not, possibly, his fears are based on the resultant consequences, which are now apparent.
I acknowledge that not having any other person to share this with makes it harder for you. That is why I advise that you see a counsellor.
All of us sin and make mistakes, but an offer of a hand of forgiveness does not condone the mess your wife made.
However, if she has remained faithful after that incident, forgiveness is the only sure way you can give your family a future.
The children you have with her don’t have to face the pain of divorce or separation brought about by an issue about which you can make a decision to forgive and work out with your wife in time.
She does not love you, stop wasting your time
Hi Pastor Kitoto,
I've been in a relationship with this woman for four years now. Everything has been fine, but from March this year, she changed. She does not talk to me, call me or even text me. And when I call her, she either does not pick up my calls or takes too long before answering. She also does not answer my texts. I've tried to find out what the problem is, but she insists that there is no problem even though she no longer wants to spend time with me. In May this year, she moved to a new house without even informing me and she's refused to let me know where she moved to, explaining that she's busy. Now, I'm left wondering whether I'm in a relationship with myself, because I'm feeling she's pushing me away and maybe she's afraid to tell it to my face. I'm under so much stress and going through depression. I need help.
It is apparent that there is definitely something wrong with your relationship. In relationships, people communicate their feelings on issues in various ways.
In their desire to terminate a relationship, some may do it through open and frank communication while there are those who do it through silence and creating a distance between them and their partner.
This distance may be emotional or physical. There are also those that do it through body language or certain actions such as refusing to pick up calls, becoming cold, rejecting dates and refusing to include the other in their life.
Perhaps your girlfriend is telling you it is over. Or maybe she is hurting but is unwilling to talk about it.
Or maybe she is in love with someone else and does not know how to tell you that it is over. You can’t force someone to love you.
It takes two to make a relationship, so she must want to be in the relationship. I understand your hurt, but don’t beat yourself too much — she is not the only woman on the face of the earth.
Mark Twain puts it better, “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”
The fact is that we tend to make sacrifices for what we value. I suggest that you use this time to heal and learn from your broken relationship.
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