I am an ardent reader of your articles but I never thought I would find myself asking for your counsel. I have been married for five years and God has blessed my wife and me with a son. We have been living in peace and we have never had any conflict in our marriage. I have been a dutiful husband and have remained committed to my marriage. There are three women colleagues I have been exchanging text messages with. I have explained, several times, to my wife that I have no relationship beyond work with any of these women but she doesn’t believe me. She is seeking a divorce because of a message she saw on my phone. What do I do to save my marriage?
Great relationships should be founded on trust and faithfulness that must be practised on a daily basis.
What you are facing in your relationship boils down to these two basics: trust and accountable behaviour.
Antonio Borrello, a psychologist and relationship therapist asks, “Why do committed people flirt? When should a committed person become concerned that flirting by their partner has gone too far?”
When do regular casual chats with a man or woman who isn’t your spouse cease becoming innocent? In most cases, they tend to lead to flirting.
Worth noting is that sex happens in the mind way before it becomes a physical act.
I believe therefore that your wife’s concern could border on the violation of her trust in you.
I feel that your chats with these women served a certain purpose and fulfilled a certain need in you, otherwise you would not have been consistent in the habit until it became a concern to your wife.
Your wife must have been bothered either by the frequency of the chats or by the content.
She may also be wondering how far these conversations could have gone, particularly if you have been chatting for a long time.
That said, how do you view her concerns? Do you consider them trivial or do you understand where she is coming from?
Men often accuse women of making mountains out of mole hills, but the fact is that love is jealous.
That is why I advise you to put yourself in her shoes — only then will you be able to approach her from her place of hurt and pain.
Asking for her forgiveness should not be just about getting over with the issue, it should be heartfelt.
Allow her to vent her hurt and acknowledge her pain without defending yourself.
Empathy and forgiveness must be followed by assurance and affirmation of re-establishing the commitment that may have been seen to have broken.
You also need to affirm your love for her, and as you do this, convey your disappointment in your actions.
Finally, commit to establish accountable behaviour by allowing her full access to your world.
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