My wife won’t set me free

Hallo,

After eight years of marriage, we separated. We have a three-month-old child, the first having died at birth. My wife lets me visit the child but won’t let me take the child so that we can spend time together. Yet she expects me to give her a lot of support, including shopping for her and paying her rent. Whenever I tell her that I want to move on with my life, she says it’s fine but threatens to sue me. She has a steady job while I am working on contract. Please tell me what to do?

I would like  you to note two things here: First, that separation does not mean hostility. Second, separation should not make you shirk your responsibilities. I pray that as you work on these two issues, you will help your wife  see the same. The strange thing about relationships is that the two people involved must agree for it to work. If she is demanding and does not honour the principles that  form the basis of  a great relationship, then the going might not be smooth for the two of you.

At stake is your child’s growth and progress. It might be hard for the child to get the best of you if you are hostile to each other. Even if getting back together is not possible, you can still treat each other with civility  for the benefit of the child.

LIVING APART

However, if you do not deal with the reasons why you are living a part,  the feelings of insecurity, anger, disillusionment, fear, lack of joy and fulfilment will persist. When a couple fails to resolve issues, the pain intensifies with time, making it impossible for the relationship to heal. Unresolved issues keep a relationship in a hopeless state. If you get into the habit of ignoring what hurts her and only see her as someone who demands money, it will cause more damage in future.

On a positive note, time has a way of healing.  It is not easy, but healing brings freedom. I encourage you to walk in freedom and treat each other with respect since  the two of you have your child’s destiny in your hands.

I’m tired of my in-laws’

unending demands

Hi,

I commend you for your good work.

l try my best to sort out my in-laws’ cash problems although I can barely afford it  but they ask  for financial assistance almost daily. I have tried to explain my financial limitations to them personally and  through my wife  but they simply don’t get it. I think their behaviour is deliberate.

Please advise me how to handle this matter.

Hi,

In-law issues have complicated many marriages that would have otherwise been successful. Two principles seem to work: First is speaking the truth in love. There is no parent who does not know that when their child gets married, they have to grant that child independence to build his/her own home.

However, every newlywed couple must develop clear and enforceable boundaries regarding  how far their parents can “interfere” in their marriage.

While you have a duty to support and care for your parents, it should not be at the expense of your own family.

 The two of you should  sit down with your parents and: a) find out what their financial needs are; b) determine how much support you can give; c) firmly communicate your financial situation; (d) review the areas where gaps arise.

ENCOURAGING LAZINESS

The second principle is that of teaching them to fish instead of giving them fish. Giving money has a way of encouraging laziness.

From the age of 70 until she died at 85, my mother would  tell us, “I need a cow for milk and some money to plant  crops and pay a worker.”

Thereafter, she became self-reliant.  In fact, she would give  some resources to some of our young nieces. Find out what you can do to make it easier for them to be self-reliant.

Finally, don’t see them as a bother. Their age  should remind you of the journey every one of us has ahead. Don’t be indifferent.

Look for  ways to show them that you care, but not necessarily by giving them money.

Could my stepfather have rendered me infertile?

I appreciate the good work you having been doing.

I am 22 years old. I have a feeling that my stepfather messed up my fertility when I was a child. He would step on my back and hit me hard. I have been doing exercises to strengthen by back and relieve the pain. From this habit, I became a gym trainer. My worry is  that I am infertile because I have “experimented” with my wife-to-be  but nothing has happened  for almost a year now. I advised her to go for a fertility check-up and she didn’t have any problems.

Even if I am experiencing hormonal reactions, I don’t think it should take this long.

Hi,

I am really sorry for the abuse you suffered at the hands of your stepfather. Abuse, whether physical or emotional, can have a lasting impact on the victim.

I sense in you a level of apprehension that resulted from this abuse. I also think that dealing with the emotions you have towards this abuse should be your immediate concern.

Secondly, you should visit a doctor for a thorough examination.

Having sex with your girlfriend is not going to give you the answer; many things are involved in making a conception take place.

CHILDREN

Therefore, this is not be the method to use to find out whether the abuse affected your ability to have children. You are still young and can live to have a great future.

Marriage is about trust and faithfulness. Your ability to deal with your fears will open the door to a relationship of freedom and responsibility. Your girlfriend should understand the struggles you faced when you were growing up. Coming out in the open to talk about it, seeing a doctor and getting counselling will help you become a man who  will not do the same to his children. Forgiving your dad is part of the journey you will need to make.

It is said that those who were abused by their parents and never dealt with the consequences of such abuse end up becoming abusers themselves.

I want to leave home but know it will worry mum

Hi Mr Kitoto,  

I was born out of wedlock and live with my mother and stepfather. I believe my stepfather has ill intentions towards me because he never greets me. I fended for myself to finish high school; since I was in boarding school, I felt safe because I rarely came home. After high school, I started a business, but unfortunately, after four months some people were not happy with what I was doing, so I was forced to close it down  to avoid bad things  happening to me.

I am now living in Nairobi and still dream of doing  business, but I’m having a rough time time here. My mother and other siblings look to me for support

For now I am thinking of going back home and leaving my phone on the table but I love my mom and know this will give her stress. Should I go ahead? Help me, please.

Dennis, Nairobi

Dennis

First of all, I am really sorry you had  such a rough time living with your step-father and about your business. Life was never meant to be easy. We live and walk by faith. I know that with the high  level of youth unemployment, it is hard to get a job. We also live in a very difficult business environment, particularly for start-ups. However, I would like to encourage you not to  give up your dreams.

My question is whether going back home will make things any better for you. I believe your greatest need is to get a job or start some business.

LOOKING FOR HELP

As you said, if people at home are looking to you for help, you need  to reflect on what action will be beneficial to you.

Meanwhile, I am aware that living in Nairobi without a job is not easy. But living at home without a job is not any easier.

I would like to encourage you to keep knocking on doors. Try doing other businesses. Self-employment could become the deal breaker for you, however small you start. All the best.

Send your relationship questions to [email protected]