KITOTO: My wife’s son is driving a wedge between us

Dear Kitoto,

Thank you for your column. I love your advice since it is always biblical.

Mine is a long one, but here it is in summary. I dated a woman who is older than me but had a son before I met her. I was not earning any income, so essentially she was the family’s breadwinner. Eventually, I got a job and started taking care of "my family".

Because I was working in the informal sector, my income wasn't consistent. Nevertheless, I brought all I had to the table. She would also contribute.

But problems started when I had no money. She became abusive and looked down on me.

Many are the times she called me a good- for-nothing free loader, even in front of our children (we have a daughter together).

All efforts to reconcile us failed, and in desperation, I started seeing other women. She found out and all hell broke loose. She dragged her son and siblings into our marital woes.

One day she was became dramatic over a slight argument and stormed out of our bedroom crying.

When her son heard her crying he told her, "I told you this was a mistake in your life,” referring to me. He was 20 years old at the time. He was working and sleeping on our coach.

In a moment of fury, I slapped him. He had no right to speak to me like that in my “house”.

I decided enough was enough and he had to move out. I gave him a 14-day ultimatum to move out, failing which I would throw him out.

After this, the tide changed. His mother started accusing me of being a womaniser.

She said her son would move out only if I lined up all my women and introduced them to her (she had a list since she would “sneak” into my phone and pick up suspicious contacts when I was asleep).

She started ignoring me completely and started treating her son like the man of the house.

Long story short, I moved out with my few belongings. We have tried to talk things over but we are getting nowhere. She is still stuck with her 22-year-old son.

The other day I went to see my daughter and her son had the audacity to lock the door when he saw me. His mother (I no longer call her my wife) thinks I should look for an elder to accompany me to her home to talk things over with her parents, on condition that her son is not part of it, yet he is the bone of contention.

My question is, is it advisable to reconcile with her yet she is not ready to let go of her son, who is a young man.

I love my daughter but with these two in the picture, it is very hard for me to interact with her. I would hate to be a dead-beat dad. Should I move on and forget all about this marriage? I'm 38 years old while she is 39. I am in a real pickle. Help.

Hi,

It is clear from your e-mail that your relationship has been rocky from the start. It appears that the basis of your fights has been finances. Every marriage has issues.

It must be acknowledged that issues do not come to destroy relationships. On the contrary, issues and problems come to mature people as they learn to love.

Love is patient, enduring, persevering and does not seek revenge. The extent of our love will is measured by the sacrifice we are willing to make.

Both of you have seen a lot together. What you have been through has seriously dented your relationship. This has left both of you exhausted and disappointed. Currently, you are living apart as a result of these issues.

When it comes to reconciling with her, this is up to you to decide. However, in most relationships, it boils down to being willing to pay the price.

Since great relationships are founded on love and mutual respect, it is important for the two of you to work on this. The first thing is to establish whether both of you are ready for reconnection.

Second, identify the person who will walk with you through the issues that you are facing. Third, identify the issues standing in the way of a harmonious relationship. Fourth, commit to a restoration process and accept to give your mediator the powers to speak on your issues and give guidance. Fifth, be willing to take responsibility to restore what might have fallen apart.

As much as both of you are wounded, you cannot underplay the pain your older son has been through.

At 20 years, there is a need for understanding and walking with him to deal with his pain. Sons are always protective of their mums and particularly where they hurt for them. In such situations, they feel like it is their responsibility to protect their mothers.

You have a right to see your daughter. However, do remember that the bad blood between you and your wife could complicate this.

You have three options: first, seek reconciliation so that you can have free access to your family. Second, appeal to the family court for direction on how you can arrange home visits. Third, be civil towards each other and put in place an amicable understanding and arrangement that can grant you visitation rights.

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Today, many young people are more connected and wired than any generation before them.

An increasing number of them struggling to find meaningful relationships, quality time with parents, living a clean drug-free life, and how to deal with their sexuality and connect with new friends.

Consequently, children are becoming a danger to themselves, with under 18 year-olds fathering children or becoming mothers out of wedlock.

News of the increasing numbers of teenagers getting pregnant tears my heart out. This, coupled with early marriages, is a warning that something has gone seriously wrong. Is this now a generation in crisis?

The big question is, who should be blamed? Who slept on the job? We have to start by realising that Kenya is, indeed, a young nation with a median age of approximately 19 years.

In addition, with a challenging social and work environment, many parents are away from home for longer than in the past.

Furthermore, the rural-urban migration has brought many to the cities, exposing them to a culture with little or no social fabric, unlike what happens in the rural areas.

During my many years as a counsellor, I have come across many boys and girls who became sexually active at an early age due to a desire for adventure.

Many of them looked naive while others had become pros through negative exposure. The Internet and social media, which are replete with hard-core pornography, body shaming and cyberbullying, are affecting their well-being, while a relentless focus on high achievement is turning up the pressure in the classroom.

Let me look at what parents could do to help their children get their priorities right. What we are talking about here is restoring a generation of young people in a crisis.

We need to give our children the needed skills to survive this individualistic, and at times brutal, world.

First, parents need to make an effort to create time to be with their children. As a parent, you need to know your child’s struggles, what they are reading, being exposed to and how they are spending their time. In addition, knowing what they are celebrating, their likes and dislikes is crucial.

Second, parents need to be friends with their children. Being a friend will get you a lot more information out of a child than policing them. Empowering them to act equips them will the necessary skills enables them to have the power to say no.

This must go hand in hand with your ability to empathise with them, not condemn them. Opening opportunities for relaxation and adventure promotes an atmosphere conducive to learning and disclosure.

Fathers need to spend time with their daughters, speaking to them about sexuality. Mothers also need to do the same with their sons. Taking to them about sexuality and how to be responsible.

As the Bible, says, “Teach a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” As parents, we must be out children’s first teachers.

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