She loves me and is faithful, but is not physically attractive

Monday March 30 2020
WOMAN

A woman cutting vegetables in a modern kitchen. PHOTO | FILE

By PHILIP KITOTO

Hi Pastor Kitoto,
I have been following your counsel for some time now and I'm convinced you'll help me find a solution to my situation. Mine is a long story but I will try to shorten it.

I am 27 years old. I was in a relationship for three years which ended in December last year. My ex, whom I met in university, cheated on me throughout these three years with a friend of mine, who she would sleep with in exchange for money. I would later learn that she got pregnant and aborted, a factor that she confessed to me and which I forgave her for.

Well, in August last year, I paid her a surprise visit only to find her in bed with another man, a married man. She swore that he was “just a friend” but this time round I just couldn’t take it, and decided to painfully walk away, though I really loved her.

I loved her so much, that I even supported her financially, morally and in any way she wanted me to. In fact, I budgeted for her needs more than I did mine and my family’s.

By the time I ended the relationship, she had cheated on me with around 11 men, and those are the ones I knew about. Each time I mentioned marriage, she always said that she wasn’t ready. After the breakup, I got so depressed, I decided to confide in my ex’s friend and we ended up falling in love. We are now lovers.

The relationship has been good, and though she is nice, kind, caring and straight forward, she is not exactly what I want in a woman, physically. She is a bit huge, more than me, yet I prefer slim women, therefore I am not physically attracted to her. I'm trying to convince myself to love her the way she is but I'm worried about her body size.

I don't know how to tell her this without hurting her because she loves me so much and wants me to marry her. Please help me. If I leave her, would I have lost a diamond to pick a pebble?

Confused gentleman.
Hi
You will need to confront several facts and accept them. First, your promiscuous ex preferred other men. There is no way she could have cheated on you all those times and claim to love you. You should therefore be glad that she never agreed to get married to you because she saved you from a pain you would not have been able to manage had you gotten married.

A worthwhile relationship is based on faithfulness and trust while love shows responsibility and commitment. It is therefore important for you to find out the real definition of love.

It may start with physical attraction but must develop towards endurance, taking responsibility for choices made, and thinking of others more than yourself. What this woman did was to take advantage of your generosity. Leaving her and starting afresh was a good decision. My concern is whether you took time to heal before jumping into another relationship.

If this is the case, your ex could show up later and totally mess up your future. To prevent such a scenario, you need to ensure that you have emotionally terminated that relationship.

VULNERABLE

The relationship you are in now is classified as a rebound. This new woman in your life found you in a vulnerable state when you were not fully healed and had not dealt with your disappointment.

There is a lot that she helped you process, but that does not mean she was meant for you. There are some people that are just meant to be friends. I advise you to process your past and close that chapter. After that, determine the characteristics and attributes you would want in a relationship as well as a wife. You need such clarity to guide the decisions you make with your future in mind.

That said, you need to address the indifference you feel towards your girlfriend because of her weight. Weigh between her size and her values - which would you rather have? One’s size is not necessarily a quality that lasts, if you didn’t know, many women, and men, who put on, or shed weight after marriage.

When all is said and done however, only you can decide which direction your relationship will take, whether you will marry your girlfriend or not. It depends on what are you looking for in a woman. The attributes you choose, however, must be lasting qualities that will sustain a relationship in the long haul.

You are only 19, this is the time to concentrate on your studies

Dear Pastor Kitoto,
I am 19, a college student. I am in the same class with a guy who is always staring at me. In the process, I have developed a crush on him. I want to tell him I love him too but I don’t want him to get the wrong impression about me. This feeling is driving me crazy. Will it last?

Hi there,
You are bound to encounter disappointment when you assume that what you see and feel about a person could be what the other person sees and feels about you. Such an assumption has left many wounded and hurt. When you have a crush on someone, the temptation is to do everything in your power to fit that person’s profile.

You tend to interpret every stare or look to mean admiration, yet your feelings may not necessarily be reciprocated, or the recipient of your feelings may decide to take advantage of you.

There are some steps you can take to help you navigate through this. First, learn to manage your feelings and desires, otherwise you might be basing your hopes on an illusion.

If he has noticed you, your interaction will flow naturally without aggressive intervention from you. Meanwhile, is he someone worth having a relationship with? How does he behave around other women? What do other students say about him? Who does he associate with? Character is key, there should be more to him than physical looks.

Also, do you share anything in common? Lasting relationships are built on a shared vision. Although it may be quite difficult to find someone with whom you share all things in common, you need to see eye to eye in some core areas to give your relationship a stable foundation. Some of these areas include religion, values and the circle of friends you keep.

LOVE IS BLIND

Although some argue that love is blind, I am a believer in relational intelligence, where we need to pragmatically select our partners. Don’t let your emotions make the decision for you, instead, allow your intelligence to evaluate him first. The worst thing you could do is to throw yourself at him.

Keep your priorities right. At 19 years, you still have a lot of time in your hands to make important decisions. This is also the time when you should be focusing on your education.

Dividing your focus now will only dilute your main objective, which is to complete college. This is also the time to enjoy group dates with your friends, rather than individual dates.

Group dates with your fellow girls, with a few young men included will help foster accountability. Also, choose carefully the kind of activities you engage in because relationships are complicated.

If you want a fruitful future, pay attention to what matters, the fact is that many young women have dropped out of school due to a pregnancy they had not planned for.

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