I want to leave him, but who will take care of my daughter?

Hi Pastor Kitoto,

My husband and I met in university and got married thereafter. While we were dating, he was very humble and caring, only to change after marriage. I found out that he was cheating on me in 2016 when I visited him (he worked in a different town), and found used condoms in his bedroom. When I asked him why he was being unfaithful, he said that shouldn't be a big deal since he had married me. I decided to stay thinking he would change because he was still a young man, but he didn’t. He’d even make suggestive comments on women’s photos on Facebook and would make secretive calls at night when I was asleep. I got so depressed, I began to contemplate suicide. Eventually, I got fed up and walked out on him, leaving my three-year-old daughter with my mother-in-law in January this year. I visit her once in a while, and though my husband has apologised and wants me back, he does not want us to talk about our issues with a third party. I would want to live with my daughter but I am not financially able. Also, I was raised by a step-mother and would not want the same for my daughter. Please tell me how to resolve these issues because I am in a dilemma.

Hi there,

It is common for people to be on their best behaviour during the dating phase for purposes of winning over the person they are seeing. After marriage, however, their true colours emerge.

For your husband to brush aside your feelings and concerns regarding his actions on social media after cheating on you is both hurting and humiliating.

One can clearly see a progression of behaviour that is geared to hurt and embarrass you. It is, therefore, understandable why you chose to walk away.

However, although leaving your marital home will bring temporary relief and in a way appear to punish him, this action may end up causing you greater emotional pain.

Do remember that you have left your daughter behind with his mother. Running away and leaving your baby behind will neither make things easier for you nor your child.

That you are financially incapable is understandable. However, your daughter being raised by her grandmother is very different from her being raised by you.

I believe the decision you make should incorporate this three-year-old child, otherwise she will grow up feeling rejected and abandoned by you.

This separation will pull you in two directions: one is towards the negative emotions your husband elicits, and second is the anxiety concerning the well-being of your baby.

ACTIONS TO TAKE

You need to do a couple of things to get a handle of this situation you are in: first, you need to determine what you feel about this man: do you want a separation or a divorce?

The gap you have left at home will soon need someone to fill it. Leave the door open for discussion and put urgency to it. The open door for discussion must have certain conditions that may include:

a) Visiting a counsellor together. There is a lot that both of you need to navigate together with the help of a counsellor. Saying sorry alone will not help and may not necessarily lead to behavioural change. Use every avenue to get him to see the need to get help.

b) Lay down your child’s support system. How will the child be cared for, taken to school, and parented? Leaving in anger like you did may make things worse. Would it have been better for you to have stayed until you have exhausted everything that could have led to reconciliation?

As much as your daughter could be in good hands, it may become difficult for this arrangement to work if your husband decides to come home with another woman.

Since you are not at home with the baby, he will argue that he does not want his daughter to grow up without a mother.

Should this happen, what guarantee do you have that this other woman will treat your child well?

Being with your child is the only way you can ensure that she will not face any form of abuse or neglect.

c) Should you opt for separation until your issues are sorted out, you could seek legal redress, which will compel your husband to provide for your daughter and educate her.

I should, however, point out that separation and seeking legal redress to get financial support should be the last thing on the table if other interventions fail to totally work out.

That said, you also need to deal with the hurt and baggage you carry in your heart because this will be crucial to your ability to move forward with clarity.

Right now, your decisions are based on a history of pain. All these unresolved issues, including the fear and anxiety you have about your future and that of your daughter will make it impossible for you to move forward. Get help.

Do you have a relationship question? Email [email protected]