Why does my wife want the company of these sinners?

Dear Pastor Kitoto,

Thank you for the advice you give on life, especially marriage. I have a problem that I am currently undergoing in my marriage. I wedded in December 2018 and life has been good until recently. My wife was a youth leader in her former church and also a praise and worship minister, while I was an active member of my church and also a leader in the youth ministry. Due to a busy work schedule, I am no longer an active leader in church; I am just a normal church goer. A few weeks ago, my wife told me that she wanted to revive a fellowship ministry with some of my old friends. Unfortunately, these friends are not serious about their walk in Christ. Most of them are immoral and drunkards and are not ashamed of it. My wife had even advised me to stay away from them since she feared that they would corrupt me. Yet now she wants to start a fellowship with them. When I voiced my reservations, she accused me of being insecure and informed me that she would go ahead and form the group. She also participates in the women’s ministry in my church, and I have advised her to start the fellowship with them instead, but she refuses. As I write this email, we are not in good terms since neither of us is willing to compromise. What do you think I should do?

Hello there,

As a Christian, I’m sure you know that our God is a relational God. Since faith as Christians was what connected you with your wife, this remains the most important part of your relationship.

Both of you drew from your relationship with God and he became the one who connected you together.

As a believer couple, God has called you to be the light and salt of your community and circle of friends. We are ambassadors of the God who has called us to faith.

Of course we are called to not keep company with the corrupt. At the same time, however, we have been sent to those still living in sin to tell them about Christ. The question then is, what are you afraid of? Also, what are you called to live for?

First, as Christians, we need to avoid sin and embrace righteousness. The presence of God is where you thrive.

Second, you are aware of what your wife feared on your behalf when you associated with these friends.

FAITH

This is exactly what you fear would happen if she opened the door for them. Your association with them, however, does not call you to live like them or do what they do.

I believe your call should guide you. If indeed you are salt and light, then your call is to influence, not to be influenced. You are the light that shines, and darkness cannot contain you.

Your faith must be grounded on what you believe in. Fear only makes you vulnerable to the many influences out there.

You and your wife should be on the same page before you move ahead. Share your fears openly and also listen to her concerns about helping these guys reform through the study of the word of God.

Before she reaches out to them, set ground rules on what is or is not acceptable behaviour to avoid compromising your faith. You should never run away from your call to lead others to God.

Remember too that your wife will need your support in this. When walking with people who have certain weaknesses, your faith and ability must be stronger than theirs to enable you have the capacity to influence them, otherwise they will pull you to their practices.

ONE VOICE

The question here is whether you and your wife’s values are strong enough to be a witness against their evil practices. It appears as if your wife believes that change for them is possible.

All I would caution you is to ensure that you are on the same page and that you support each other in becoming witnesses through your life and actions.

Before you move forward, I suggest that you seek the support of your church so that you can proceed in unity. Affirming each other’s passion and desiring to understand each other’s point of view is essential in marriage.

If you fail to do this, the very thing that brought you together could just be the one that separates you.

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Please link me up with this widow

Hi Pastor Kitoto,

I’m a fan of your candid advice on various relationship matters. Sometime back, you talked about a widow looking for a trustworthy person to get into a relationship with. I have been a widower for a number of years and would like you to connect me to this woman. I have had similar experiences to hers, where I have met women who are just interested in my money, not true love. I’m a senior lecturer with a PhD. Thank you in advance.

Hi,

Let me start by making some general observations about relationships. Today, there are many broken marriages and relationships that are the result of many unresolved issues.

Many of these challenges are unique to each couple and their willingness to resolve them and methods they choose to use. I’ve found that the wounds of separation are deep and need time to heal.

There are also some that lose their loved ones to death, which also leaves a deep wound. Healing from the death of a spouse can take long.

For many of the widows and widowers, though healing from loss is important and necessary, it is not the only thing one needs to do.

There is need to consider the future too, including consideration of values that one is looking for and how they will contribute to that future.

Such a journey is personal. Therefore, careful thought is needed when making decisions. Since remarriage does not mean forgetting the deceased spouse, some of the issues that come to hurt a new marriage include comparison of the present with the past. Are you ready to move on?

To address your question, I have always been hesitant to match a couple this way. Dating and marriage are weighty issues, and I would rather the two people involved find their way to each other.

Do you have a relationship question? Email [email protected]