Why isn’t my online date not introducing me to family and relatives?

Hello Bishop,

I am a single woman and have been unfortunate in my relationships with men. In 2015, I met someone online and we started dating. We used to meet often but the frequency has reduced. This man has never introduced me to his friends or family. Please help because whenever I try to leave, he comes back begging for reconciliation. Laura

Hi

Technology has reduced the world to a village. I have come across many people who met their partners online. The key issue is whether we are able to do a good job of evaluating the person we meet.

What we need to know about relationships is that people are not always what they seem or look like. When we interrogate what we see, we are able to arrive at a decision that is intelligent and acceptable.

If we do well at interrogating the feelings and vibes we get in relationships, we will be well placed to live happily. Many hints are deposited by either partner that could help one make sound judgements. You feel unhappy about the relationship for various reasons:

First, you are concerned that this man has not introduced you to close friends and family for three years. This is definitely a red flag.

Second, although you are not forthright with your feelings on meeting him online, it appears to feature. Are you afraid that you do not know much about him for the simple reason that you met online?

I am inclined to ask if the meetings you have been having are exclusively online.

If so, it may not be healthy for you. No matter how far the person may be, at some point and possibly a few more times, a face-to-face meeting is important.

If you have been meeting online and have since met face-to-face, then deal with this red flag. You need full disclosure. Do not take it for granted.

I suggest that you don’t get in too deep and end up hurting yourself. Put down what you can’t negotiate about and make it clear to him what you desire.

My worry is that your view of self could be your greatest undoing.

There seems to be some unsettled fears of bad luck. You should develop a healthy view of yourself. This will be essential if you are going to move on in life and remain healthy emotionally.

How you see yourself is key to the way you allow others to treat you. If this man gets wind of such insecurity, he could use it to his advantage.

Most people in relationships end up getting manipulated and compromised because of their failure to deal with baggage or ‘ghosts’ from past experiences.

Relationships and how others have treated us in the past should not define what we become.

We have the power to redefine that future and to rearrange how we will live and who we choose to influence us.

Abuse and separation resulting from bad choices in the past may have been painful, but should not be allowed to mark our lives forever. Generally, we are expected to make better choices as we learn from our mistakes.

We should never allow our failure or mistakes create fear that paralyses us. Be clear on what you want and refuse to be manipulated.

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Help, the woman I love went for long trip with her male friend

Hi Bishop Kitoto,

I met a woman where I was teaching and we dated for nine months.

In August, a friend took her to Mombasa. She has not told me what she did with the man. She also never told me that she was taking the trip and I felt betrayed.

She was all I hoped for. I wanted to settle down with her and have a family. We fought over the matter. She calls her friend in my presence and they talk for long. The man also calls back. Now they meet frequently. It is three months since the Mombasa trip.

She appears happy when chatting with the man. I don't want to talk about the age issue between them but I need to get this off my head.

I need to focus on important issues as love life is no longer my priority. How do I give her peace to enjoy time with the man? How do I avoid her? Please help. Omondi

Hi

Love can bring pain and happiness. Disappointment because of unmet expectations has caused pain to many.

Rattling of emotions and jealousy accompany such moments. However, what we at times fail to recognise is that a relationship involves agreements between two people. Either or both can decide to end it.

We can not force commitment. Love is a choice we make and a commitment we come to. We do so since we have this conviction that we see areas of agreement that will lead to a great relationship.

However, circumstances under which such decisions are made can be compromising, affecting the longevity of the commitment.

It is important to be reminded that relationships are about agreements that result from sound convictions.

Falling in love must therefore be based on a firm foundation.

That you two have talked but she is convinced the other relationship is good for her should make you reconsider your position.

If your feelings are that she looks happy with this man, you should respect her choice.

Parting may hurt but look at your future peace and hers. It is said that you would rather endure a painful dissolution of a dating relationship than face a troubled marriage or divorce.

Acknowledge that this relationship was never meant to lead to marriage. Respect and release her so that she can pursue her dreams.

Take time to heal and process your emotions and then make the choice to redefine for yourself what relationships will mean for you in future.

Try not to redefine future relationships through the eyes of roundedness. This will only hurt you.

Make it easier for yourself by looking at it from a relational intelligence point of view.

There are many things we may want in life but they may never last. If you had this kind of view, you will carry less baggage from such a break-up.

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