Our husbands left because our children are chronically sick

Irene Karambu with her son John Thuranira, 10, who suffers from Hirsch Sprung’s Disease. PHOTO| DENNIS ONSONGO

What you need to know:

  • Since birth, John has never spoken or walked.
  • Ms Karambu narrates the story of a painful birth and a more painful life thereafter.
  • The diagnosis of her son brought a rift between her and her husband, who walked out on mother and son.

Meet, fall in love, date, get married and have children. This is the expected life curve. Marriage is a lifetime commitment but as two women experienced, their husbands were not in it for a lifetime. How could they have been, if their own children ran them out of the institution that helped create them?

At 30 years of age, Irene Karambu carries the pain of a failed marriage, and a daily struggle of a 10-year old son, John Thuranira who is living with a congenital condition.

Since birth, John has never spoken or walked. Ms Karambu narrates the story of a painful birth and a more painful life thereafter.

“It all started right from birth. I suffered prolonged labour, for three days at the Meru General Hospital.

For those three days, nurses barred anyone from accessing the labour ward. They were, or so I thought, the most painful three days of my life. I was wrong,” she narrated.

COULD NOT PASS URINE

Right after birth it was discovered that John had a problem with toileting and at some point, he could not even pass urine, Ms Karambu, who was 20 years old then, says.

Irene Karambu, whose suffers from from Hirsch Sprung’s Disease, during the interview. PHOTO| DENNIS ONSONGO

The diagnosis of her son brought a rift between her and her husband, who walked out on mother and son. “It is nine years since we parted ways. Our son’s condition strained our relationship. I don’t know why he decided to fizzle out of our lives, especially when we needed him most.”

It was not just her husband who abandoned her at the hour of need; her other relatives did likewise.

“I think my siblings have given up on us. Many are the times they have advised me to abandon my son in hospital, or to go and dump him in his father’s home. How can I? I just cannot abandon my son with someone who left because he could not cope with his condition. What will make him take care of him?”
It has not been an easy journey for Ms Karambu. A failed marriage and a sickly child has left her ailing.

“Within the first six months I had stomach ulcers, I lost a lot of weight. The stress was killing me, but God has given me the grace,” she says.

Ms Karambu has been taking her son to the Coast Provincial General Hospital. In 2012, doctors at the hospital recommended an operation, which was conducted on the left side of John’s stomach to create a colostomy — a temporary artificial excretory opening between the colon and the body surface, according to Dr Enock Okoth.

THERAPY

The doctor at the Kisii Level Five Hospital Intensive Care Unit (ICU) says the boy must have presented a lot of congenital issues at birth.

“Ever since, I have been taking him for therapy every month,” Karambu says.

The responsibility has weighed heavily on her over the years, as living expenses escalate for her son, who is constantly in diapers and colostomy bags.

“One bag costs Sh100, and he can use even four in a day,” the mother of two says.

In late 2018, John developed a problem at the site of the colostomy in the stomach, says Ms Karambu.

The skin around the opening is inflamed and every morning, she has to clean blood and pus from the area.

She sought a second opinion and in October 30, John was referred to theatre, for a colostomy reversal surgical procedure, which would cost Sh815, 000 at the Coast Provincial General Hospital.

“I cannot even raise a half of the amount,” says Ms Karambu, who has been hawking porridge in Bombolulu for a living.
“Every day I wake up at 5am to cook enough porridge which I sell to shopkeepers, stall attendants, construction workers and students. I make only Sh200 profit on a good day, which is not enough to sustain the health demands of my son,” she narrates. A colostomy reversal is done to divert the colostomy to the anal opening if it has fully opened up, according to Dr Okoth.

Ms Karambu has visited government offices in Mombasa County seeking help for her son’s health, without success.

“I have been up to the Office of the Governor and the office of the local Member of Parliament, and none of them has ever responded to my plea.”

For a couple of weeks now, Ms Karambu and her son have been living off the streets around Odeon Cinema in Nairobi, her daily prayer being that somebody will come to her rescue, and help her son get the much-need surgery.
“I just cannot abandon John in the streets as many have urged me to. He is my problem.

He has been my problem since birth. If he can be assisted to find another outlet to relieve himself, my problems would be halved,” she says.

SICKLE CELL ANAEMIA

The family of Nancy Akinyi Weke, 45, is battling sickle cell anaemia. Her first born, Tracey Irene Andayi, 18, was diagnosed with sickle cell anaemia when she was one year and two months.

“It was difficult to absorb the news, but I had to accept the situation. I had seen my aunt struggle with sickle cell anaemia, so I knew the journey ahead was not going to be an easy one,” she says. She adds, however, that she was prepared.

Nancy Akinyi Weke, 45, and her daughter Tracey Irene Andayi, during interview at their Umoja home on February 23, 2019. Akinyi and her brother suffer from sickle cell anaemia. PHOTO| JEFF ANGOTE

Three years later, her second-born, Reagan Paul Weke, now aged 14 was also diagnosed with sickle cell anaemia. “I remember he was about eight months old. The news shook my ground. For a minute, my mind got lost in deep thought. As a mother, I wondered if my children would ever enjoy their childhood,” she narrates.

What followed were sleepless nights, tears and a lot of soul searching. “I questioned a lot. I questioned myself and I questioned God.”

In the end, Ms Akingi emerged stronger. “I embraced my children and vowed to give them the best that this life could offer. My husband, however, was not reading from my script. When our daughter was diagnosed with sickle cell anaemia, he tried to cope with the situation. But when he heard that our son, too, had been diagnosed with the same condition, he changed.”

She recalls his late nights out, abandoning his household responsibilities, like paying their rent, and buying their food. He then started spending his nights away from them, before the bombshell was dropped on her.

“One of his brothers informed me that my husband had found himself a girlfriend. I confronted him and he openly told me that he could not cope with the situation. He later packed his belongings and moved out. Just like that! My marriage was gone, and I was left taking care of two sickly children,” she narrates.

By the time they were separating, Tracey was only eight years old, while Reagan was three. Their mother was running a thriving tailoring business.

“I had just taken a loan of Sh300, 000 out of which I had given my husband Sh200,000 to build us a house in the countryside, while I used the Sh100,000 to fix a few issues at home.” Her husband left with the money.

“I struggled with the loan repayment and medical expenses for the children. Paying rent was a struggle.” Due of loan default, her goods were auctioned. “Without a penny and with my business gone, I was out in the streets.” She ended up working as a bar maid to provide for her children.

At Sh8000 salary per month, she could   hardly meet her children’s needs.

“A friend introduced me to door-to-door laundry and cleaning, which earns me at least Sh200 in a day, money which keeps us going,” she shares.

But her greatest challenge is the access to medication for her children and keeping them in school.

Tracey had to discontinue her studies at Highridge Girls High School, in Parklands, Nairobi in September 2018 while in form three because of school fees arrears. “Since then, she has been studying from the house,” her mother says.

Her health has also been affected by the cold weather in Parklands. "My joints ache, while my arms and nails turn white," says Tracey who was present for the interview.

Reagan’s health has also got worse since mid-2018. The Standard Eight pupil at Unity Primary School in Umoja estate had to be put on blood transfusion in July 2018.

The boy also suffers pain in the joints and knees, which has affected his mobility. “My eyes are yellow in colour, and because of this, some of my classmates do not want to play with me,” he says.

Ms Akinyi also stays her nephew, Moses Opondo, a Standard Two pupil, whose mother died. The nine-year-old also suffers from sickle cell anaemia.

BLOOD SUPPLEMENTS

To counteract the symptoms, Tracey, Reagan and Moses live on folic acid and blood supplements. Ms Akinyi describes folic acid as the cheapest medication they can afford.

During her menstrual periods, Tracey has to take iron supplements, in addition to folic acid as she bleeds a lot.

In July 2018, her house was locked due to a six-month rent arrears. She was almost going to the streets when a woman, who she had been regularly cleaning her house, gave her a place to stay at half the rent.

“I pay Sh2,500 per month for this house, which she used to rent for Sh5000. I call her Mama, because she has been more like a mother to me,” says the woman, who was orphaned at 13. The Standard Eight dropout and has no academic papers to aid her job search. She needs assistance to set up a business to enable her pay her  children’s school fees.

“I need to be able to take care of my children’s health expenses," she pleads.

Tracey wants to be a lawyer. “I want to be in a position to help vulnerable children in society,” she says.

Reagan wants to be a medical doctor. “I want to help children who are like me, who have sickle cell anaemia.”

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Why menfolk leave when problems hit the family
The experiences of Ms Karambu and Ms Akinyi mirror so many families where men have had the easy route out when a calamity struck, leaving women to struggle with the children.

As more and more women recount tales of men who could not stand the test of time, it emerges that women are more resilient to pressures of life than men, who seem to be overwhelmed by responsibilities and expectations.

The plain truth is that a majority of men are simply overwhelmed with the weights on their shoulders, says Dr Ken Ouko a social scientist and lecturer at the University of Nairobi.

“This is why men are generally more suicidal than women. Sometimes though, it is not true that men are empirically burdened because curiously, most of the weight is imposed by social expectations. This is why even when a wife’s income is visibly higher than her husband’s, society still tags the man with the breadwinner and provider titles,” the sociologist says.

Dr Ouko explains that men who take off suffer from the Masculine Kingdom’s most generic disease, Fear of Failure, abbreviated as FOF.

“The damning truism of human society is that male success is not measured by how well educated, how economically stable or how spiritually stable a man is.

Rather, it is measured by how well he is able to take care of and bring up his family,” he points out.

Therefore, most men take off the moment they realise their familial roles are wobbly.
But why should women care, anyway? A not very palatable reality is that human society is structured in such a manner that it grants men options that women hardly enjoy, Dr Ouko says.

“It is so much easier for a husband to abandon his family and start a new one than it is for a wife,” he adds.

Dr Ouko explains that men are typically free-spirited. So, at the slightest hint of degeneration in his present circumstance, a man will freely opt out and redirect his energies elsewhere.

That is the stark reality that women in relationships find themselves in when the unfortunate happens — this could be a terminally-ill child or children, or a disability. They can only hang onto their children, protecting them, just like thorns hang onto sweet berries.

“This denies women that luxury of leaving because society will judge them rather too harshly,” Dr Ouko says.