My wife has taken to clubs and alcohol

Dear Bishop Kitoto,

Let me express my appreciation for your column, which I never miss. I have been married for 10 years and as in any other relationship, we have had our ups and downs.

Five months ago, my wife suddenly developed a liking for clubs, which involved going out and coming back as late as 3am.This went on despite my objections.

Our marriage suffered greatly. I even involved her close family members to no avail. Then I discovered that she had been going out with a man. She owned up and said he was a colleague but that they had not been intimate.

This hurt me and though I am convinced that there was no affair, I feel there was emotional cheating as they were communicating frequently. I feel violated since the man spent time with my wife in bars and got rides the family car.

I have forgiven my wife and we have agreed to work on our marriage. However, memories of what happened keep bothering me. This even interferes with my work.

How do we move on after what happened? How do I learn to trust again? I have never been the jealous type and always allowed my wife some latitude, but I believe it was a mistake. Thank you. D Kimani

Hi
Thank you for being a regular reader of this column.

Marriage and relationships provide different levels of connectivity for those involved.

In a relationship like yours where you have been together for such a long time, one would expect a deeper commitment based on the established values embraced by both of you.

In addition, satisfaction and fulfilment play a major part on the stability of a relationship.

You describe the actions by your wife as a sudden departure from the norm. It looks like all was well, then there came this deviation where she started going out. Habits are built over a period of time. It may be important to look at the triggers of such events.

When you deal with the issues from their underlying trigger points, this brings back some level of agreement on how marriage will be in future.

Agreement plays a major part in re-establishing connectivity and trust in a relationship. First, the two of you must agree on expectations. Unfulfilled expectations must be addressed from both sides.

I suspect that there could be areas she would feel that she failed while also feeling that there are areas you did not meet expectations.

Get an open dialogue going because disclosure is part of rebuilding trust.

Second, the two of you must have an agreement on the values you are committed to.

The betrayal of trust has two angles to it. 1) It violates the spoken or unspoken agreement a couple had in place. 2) It results in injury that comes out of the disappointments and broken agreements.

Faithfulness is the result of daily small actions that are done consistently which lead to a building common areas of agreement.

What are these little actions about your wife that bother you although you have forgiven her? It is the little foxes that spoil the vine.

Disclosure and thereafter the desire to remedy the a relationship is not just about finding out who was at fault. The fact that you knew what your wife did is but only the first step.

This needs to be followed up by looking at the foundation of the relationship that held the marriage together.

What weaknesses caused the cracks that led her to seek emotional fulfilment outside marriage? The building of trust will have to involve the identification of the cracks and repair of the same.

Knowing that you repaired the cracks in the foundation well brings faith and hope that the walls that would be rebuilt will withstand the weight.

As a result, trust is a journey. It is a process that takes time to re-establish.

My hope is that as you deal with the cracks in the foundation and embrace new values, faith in the relationship will arise.

Practical tips

Become aware of the extent of hurt and pain you feel. In addition, your wife must become aware of the level of pain and disappointment she has caused you.

Pledging to never hurt you again is not enough to rebuild trust. Joint determined effort to establish a new way of relating that departs from the previous one is key.

What new commitments and practices are going to be in place?

Take responsibility to live differently. It must become clear to you that you can never change the way your wife behaves.

The greatest power to change an individual lies within the person’s ability to say “yes” to change.

Future temptations are inevitable. Since trust is the glue that holds relationships together, forgiveness is but the first step to rebuilding that trust.

Trust allows you to feel safe around the betrayer. Suspicion arises where issues are left hanging, which later become areas of contention.

I read somewhere that learning to forgive and make the choice to move past the things that happened in the past is easier when you take your focus off the specific events.
Focus must shift on new possibilities.

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Show me how to build a new image

Hi,

I am 28-year-old recently employed by the Teachers Service Commission.

How do I build a new image after a heartbreak? I need to look young and mature. I want to build attraction for new people. Where do I hang out to get noticed by mature and serious women? Is it mature to spend more time with my phone? Omondi

It appears you had a painful relational past which you are seeking to forget.

It also appears like the relationship you have with your phone is a cause for concern. Maturity comes with the ability to take responsibility of our actions.

Heartbreaks are common in relationships. However, the degree varies depending on the level of closeness built.

Looking at the past as a phase in your life that you can learn from. It is better than blaming yourself or others for the mess.

The new look you has to build a healthy self image based on the values you desire.

Such values will include building confidence in yourself, growing through exposing yourself to healthy materials and people who will influence you better, and envisioning the kind of person you want to be.

A mature woman will not make you grow. You have to set targets in areas you desire to grow and mature. Otherwise, you will disappoint yourself and others.

My hope is that you will build yourself up towards the person you want to be. Learn from your past without letting those mistakes define you.

Your past mistakes and failures must be seen as guideposts in your today and future learning and growth.

Let your mistakes teach you to clarify what you really want in life.

Do not second guess yourself. Be sure of who you want to be and women will be attracted to that person.

Allow your past mistakes to teach you to accept your shortfalls so that you can face your fears on issues like handling your phone.

Being honest about your limitations offers you the best opportunities to practice making better choices.

This is what expands your knowledge of how to handle and build yourself.

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