KITOTO: Will I ever find a good man like the one I left?

my dating life has been going downhill. All the men I meet are just out to have a good time. PHOTO | FOTOSEARCH

What you need to know:

  • I have been blessed in my work and attained the milestones I had set for myself.
  • I feel I have failed in my social life.
  • At the age of 30, I rejected a man who truly loved me and I took him for granted.

Hi,

I am a 34-year-old woman. I have been blessed in my work and attained the milestones I had set for myself.

However, I feel I have failed in my social life. At the age of 30, I rejected a man who truly loved me and I took him for granted. Mind you, he had proposed.

Four years down the line I’m reminded of Proverbs 11:22: “Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion.”

Since then I have noticed that my dating life has been going downhill. All the men I meet are just out to have a good time. I get attracted to them but end up finding out that they are married.

Do single women like me get a second chance?

Cate

 

Hi,

I believe everyone deserves a second chance. God himself opened a door for us as a God of second chances. Even when people walked away from him, he still opened a door of fellowship with him.

I also believe that we all make mistakes, falter, take a wrong turn and even shut the door on those who could have helped us.

However, it is living in constant ignorance that destroys a person’s future. Re-aligning oneself with one’s vision in life is a crucial point in getting back on the path of fruitfulness.

A pastor and great author, Andy Stanley, says that a person’s ability to align their convictions with their behaviour makes their life persuasive. He adds that this alignment must determine how we transact between convictions and actions; beliefs and behaviour. This is what governs one’s moral authority.

I believe life has a way of bringing back the lessons we need to pay attention to and learn. Your realisation that you need to pay attention to your social life is a great starting point.

Your career goals are now in place; it is time to align yourself to how your social life will be.

I would caution against fear of the unknown, anxiety, or worry. Fulfilment in life is not found only in getting married. I am sure you know as well as I do that there are many married people who are unhappy and unfulfilled.

Singleness is not a curse or a state of incompleteness. Since you are a religious person, I will remind you of many who served God faithfully as singles.

So walk with your head high, create relationships and live as a child or God with conviction that every stage in life is to be enjoyed with dignity.

What you should avoid is having your actions determined by panic that results from fears or what other people say.

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He’s dumped me and I’m pregnant

Hello,

I met this guy at a medical camp last year and we started dating.

Early this year, I found out that I was pregnant with his child. I was terrified at first and wanted to terminate the pregnancy but he encouraged me to keep it.

But after some time he stopped responding to my text messages, saying that if it was not an emergency I should not text him.

Then, in early May when I was 18 weeks pregnant, I told him I would be visiting him. But I ended up waiting for three hours without seeing him, so I decided to go back home since it was already late.

That night, he telephoned and called me names. He said it was over between us and that he had left me. I went through bouts of depression but then I have exams in July, and I have to focus on them.

Should I let go of the past and focus on my studies and the pregnancy, or what should I do? I did nothing wrong yet he has not been replying to my text messages or picking my calls? Please help.

 

Hi,

I really empathise with you and pray that you will gain focus and move on.

First, it appears that this relationship moved too quickly towards sexual intimacy without due consideration of the implications. It appears that the two of you got intimate in the heat of the moment but did not include your sexuality as an important part of the future.

The resultant pregnancy and his choice to ignore you is apparent from the way he is avoiding contact. I am sorry that you have a baby coming, exams on the way and a distant boyfriend who does not want to take responsibility. This is common with partners in relationships where the focus is on short-term gains.

You now have certain priorities that require attention. These include the safe delivery of the baby and the need to focus on your exams and impending career.

You have to come to terms with the fact that, for the time being, you are a single mother who is also in school. Focusing on your priorities is key.

Finally, I suggest that you focus on completing your studies, getting a job and planning for the future of your child. Abortion was never going to be the answer. This child deserves to live and have a future.

Secondly, you need to get this man to take some responsibility. He has an obligation to cater for the future of this child.

As far as a future with him is concerned, you have to approach this with care and not end up getting hurt again. Guard yourself against impulsive feelings that could mess up your future.

It is moral authority that will open doors of influence for you among your peers. It will position you as a woman whom others will love to be associated with.

It is all about walking the talk; aligning your convictions to your actions, and beliefs to your behaviour. Do not sell yourself short.

Send your relationship questions to [email protected]

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TIPS ON BUILDING A GREAT RELATIONAL ENVIRONMENT

1. A vision for a great marriage thrives where there is harmony and dies where there is disunity and division between a couple. Therefore, seeking to re-establish fellow-ship even when there are still issues to be resolved is key. Fighting as a team is more advantageous than fighting individually. There are some issues that will take ages to resolve. However, forgiveness and putting in place a roadmap to deal with the pending issues must always be your guide.

2. Do not take your partner’s failures as an opportunity to celebrate at the expense of re-building faith and fellowship. Failure is not an end in itself but gives us the opportunity to realise our weakness. Walking responsibly after failure guarantees a relationship growth and increased intimate moments. Functioning from a position of pride and self-promotion erases any traces of intimacy between a couple.

3. Unresolved issues create an environment in which we seek to control or manipulate others so as to further our own agenda at the expense of the agenda of the relationship.

4. Passion for the relationship and the marriage is the result of a consistent effort to re-align the vision embraced by the couple with their own convictions, dreams, beliefs, and actions. For many spouses, the vision for a great relationship dies because of the tension and inconsistency between what they believe and what they do. Generally, our actions arise from our convictions. This lies within a couple’s conscious effort to align their actions with their beliefs through open discussion and dialogue that is devoid of intimidation and manipulation.

5. Even great marriages will face moments of uncertainty, crisis, and occasionally hit the bombs on the path of life together. But, when they do, such moments require attention and action, otherwise the dents caused by the bumps will weaken the vessel of marriage and lengthen the season of pain. It is naive to think that married life will always be smooth and without pain or disappointment. On the contrary, it is such bumps that reveal what relationships are made of. So, staying on guard is important to building understanding between a couple.