I feel used by the woman I’ve lived with for 10 years

The frustration you face originates from the e-Citizen platform’s inability to decipher your commands due to its programmed chronological nature. 

What you need to know:

  • Marriage requires honest dialogue and faithful commitment to any decision arrived at.
  • I sense that she is a selfish woman who came to you with an agenda which, sadly, was not to make a life together.
  • Since you seem to love her and the children very much, I suggest that you engage her in an honest and open discussion.

Hallo,
I am in a big dilemma. I have been in a relationship with a woman for the last 10 years. I love her very much since she is my confidant and I have no doubt that she loves me as much as I love her. We are quite free with each other and I feel she is the right person for me. Over the years we have done many things together as husband and wife.

I adopted her two daughters; the older one was in Standard Four while the younger was in Baby Class. I have helped her with the girls’ education, with the first born now in Form Two while the second born is in Standard Six, although she does not want to have a child with me and keeps giving flimsy excuses whenever I bring up the topic. Besides, I helped her to study from Bachelor’s to Master’s level. I trusted her all along because I did not suspect that she was up to something.

However, in the last three years she has been travelling around the country, purportedly on official assignments, which normally last between three days and two weeks. I do not condone that because something tells me that all is not well, especially since she is always in the company of men. I have tried to discuss the issue with her but she insists that she is not doing anything wrong and has maintained links with the association that organises the trip.

Her stubbornness has affected our relationship to the extent that she has suggested that we part ways. I am not comfortable with that because I am not ready to let go of the children with whom I have bonded well after educating them as well as my feelings for their mother, whom I would want to assist financially.

My problem is that she is not looking at the bigger picture and the future but seems to value those outings and maybe the fantasies that go with them. I have contemplated leaving her to continue with her life and her new-found lover, whom I suspect is messing with her mind but something tells me to be patient and sure before I take drastic action that might cause them problems that I might regret later.

I feel cheated, given the commitment that I have shown her for the last 10 years. I am annoyed because my leaving could psychologically affect the innocent children who are used to my presence, but their mother does not see that. Please advise me what to do.

Hi,
Right from the onset, let me say I sympathise with you and the way she has treated you. Entering into a relationship with a person who already has children is both bold and commendable, but also needs full disclosure on the many issues that surround that previous relationship and the way forward.

First, I am happy about the way you have taken the relationship seriously for the last 10 years and invested substantially in your wife and children. Ten years is enough time for her to have seen the investments, both emotional and financial, that you have made in her life. Both she and her children have benefited greatly. Only a really uncaring and ungrateful person would close their eyes to such warm acceptance.

Secondly, 10 years together is a long enough time for her to have started seeing herself as a wife and partner in the journey of raising a family together. Now, if she does not want to have a baby with you, I believe she should have told you this clearly, as well as her reasons for taking such a stand. Marriage requires honest dialogue and faithful commitment to any decision arrived at. I sense that she is a selfish woman who came to you with an agenda which, sadly, was not to make a life together.

Since you seem to love her and the children very much, I suggest that you engage her in an honest and open discussion on what the consequences of her decision to leave would have on you and the children. In the end, the decision to either listen and mend her ways, or to leave, rests solely with her. However, giving this a final try might just be what could save the relationship.

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My family has rejected my boyfriend because he is from a different tribe

Dear Kitoto,
I love your articles because they are really helpful. I have found myself in a dilemma with my family because of the man I love. I’ve been in a relationship for four years now. I introduced my boyfriend to my sister since I didn’t want to keep our relationship a secret. However, I didn’t know that she didn’t like him, until she told my mum that I was in a relationship with a man from a different tribe.

My mum asked me about it and when I didn’t deny it, she warned me that if I dared marry the man, I should forget that I ever had family.
Sir, I love this man; he respects me, understands me and I consider him a gift from God. Why should tribalism affect us to the extent that we can’t intermarry? Should I follow my heart and continue my relationship with him? We are planning to wed next year.
Kindly advise.
Alice

Hi,
We are living at a time when politicians have divided this country along tribal lines. However, I am glad that the younger generation is not not going to let the old, traditional stereotypes peddled against other tribes succeed. In my line of work, I have seen many people with problems similar to yours.

First, it is important to accept others the way God accepts us. It hurts God when we turn against those whom, like us, he created in his own image, just because they belong to a different tribe. When we love others the way God loves us, we can see the ignorance those who dislike others based on their colour or tribe for what they are and choose to walk the road of love.

Second, make sure you have enough reasons for wanting to share the rest of your life with this man. He must mean a lot to you for you to stand up for him against your parents. You have to guide your parents gently with love to see what you see in him. Do not assume that they see what you see. Perhaps your mum’s feelings could change if you strive to walk with them through this.

However, abandoning this man just because your parents and siblings don’t like him because of his tribe would be wrong. Don’t validate their negative tribal feelings by abandoning him. I would also request you to be careful how you handle the issue. Be gentle but tough and speak the truth with love. Don’t not let your mum’s feelings spill over to your boyfriend.

If they refuse to listen to you, do not let this stop you from marrying him just because you are afraid. I have seen many people in similar situations who have moved on tactfully and got married, only for their parents to turn around later. For some of these couples, the turn-around brought much understanding, healing and joy. For others, the wait has been long.

Just remember, some choices we make will not be popular with certain people. What matters is whether we can live with the consequences of the choices or allow the unfavourable consequences to lead us to regret. One thing is true, though. Even if both parents agree to their child’s marriage, something could still to go wrong. So be courageous, face your mum with love and help her see what you see in this man.

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He married another woman but is now back, suggesting that we have an affair

I am 23 years old and was in a relationship while in high school. However, we never got intimate. We continued with the relationship for a year after I left school when, without my knowledge, my boyfriend decided to marry someone else.

I learnt of their wedding through a friend just a week before the big day. He has come back to me saying he wants us to continue with the relationship, and that he would like to have a child with me, arguing that I was his girlfriend before he met his wife, with whom he has a son. I have tried avoiding him, without success. What would you advise me to do?

Hi,
It is obvious that this man does not mean well. I can honestly tell you that you mean nothing to him. All he wants is to do what he did not do earlier before another man does it. And here I would wish to quote Miguna Miguna’s famous statement, “Run, baby run.” Stand for your values. Let him know that you are not there for him to satisfy his unfulfilled desires; he has a wife to do that.

It is important to ask yourself why you would even think he is serious. He left you for her and that is it. Move on with your life. If you agree to his demand you will live to regret your decision. You do not want to end up a single mother, do you? I don’t think so!

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