KITOTO: I love my first wife more than the second, and I want her back

Dear Kitoto,
I am in a big dilemma. My wife and I parted ways after I cheated on her and got a child with another woman. She was furious, especially since we didn’t have a child, yet had lived together for six years.

I packed my stuff and left our matrimonial home, only to return one day to find her in bed with another man. Due to the anger I felt, I married the other woman, since it was obvious that my wife had already moved on.

The problem is that I still want her so badly, and feel that she is the one I should spend the rest of my life with, but I have the other one in my house with my child. This woman knows I don’t love her like I love my former wife, but she has vowed not to let go of me.

My heart is with my first wife, who I still talk to and meet. I am trying to let her go, but I find myself chasing her. Kindly help me figure out how to resolve this destabilising matter.
A.

Hello A,
I guess you will agree with me that lack of focus can lead you in many different directions that could end up hurting and confusing you.

First, you have to remember that it is you who first cheated on your wife. Since we were created to be in relationships, most people tend to move on to the nearest relationship they can find after heartbreak.

From your email, you tried to reconcile with your wife, but when you found out about her sin, you fell back again into sin. The wisdom of the wise states that two wrongs do not make a right. What your relationship needed was forgiveness and reconciliation.

The fact that your former wife was unable to have a child was no excuse for you to be unfaithful. The truth of the matter is that you left her and married someone else with whom you have a child with – you therefore have a responsibility towards this other woman and to your child.

Marriage is not a walk in and out situation. I feel you need to mature a bit more. I really don’t see what you are going to do differently if you went back to your first wife.

Now you have a child and a wife to care for. Have you thought about that? If you have, what plans do you have in place to ensure that they are well taken care of? What does marriage mean to you?

What I know for sure is that it is not about carefree living. Marriage is a serious commitment!

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Why can’t I find a serious woman to be in a relationship with?

Hi Mr Kitoto,
Thank you for the good work you’re doing. I’m a big fan of your work, and ensure that I read you every week. I am 22 years old.

I have a job and live alone. I have a disturbing issue that I hope you can help me resolve. The last serious relationship I was in ended when I found out that my girlfriend had kissed a guy she claimed was strictly her friend.

This incident happened after we had an argument and were therefore not in good terms. A few months after the breakup, I started dating, but all the relationships I have had since don’t last beyond a month.

For a while, I thought it was because I was still in love with my ex, but that love ended and we decided to move on though we are still friends. All the girls I meet end up lying to me, are just out to have fun, or don’t appreciate what I do for them.

I also have trust issues - it is hard for me to trust without one proving to me that they deserve it. I want to get into a long lasting relationship with a mature person, but where is this person? This whole situation is really damaging my self-esteem. What do I do? 
Thomas

Hi Thomas,
By now, you have tested several relationships, and I hope that you have learned some valuable lessons that will help you make better relationship choices.

Try not to peg subsequent relationships on your previous one - you were younger, and I would think that your ex was young too, so I really don’t think she took your relationship seriously.

Mature relationships have the ability to balance between freedom and responsibility. For your case, I don’t think your girlfriend was on the same page with you regarding how serious the relationship was. Maybe she viewed your relationship as just a friendship. A serious relationship demands responsible behaviour and action from the couple.

You say that you are unable to trust. I suggest that you speedily deal with this because if you don’t, it will prevent you from getting the relationship you deserve. I also suggest that you evaluate how you behave around women. You also need to be clear about what you’re looking for, and also be certain what the women you meet are looking for.

If your desire is to date a woman with certain values, then seek to be a man that will attract those values. It could be that the women you have met so far are not the right fit for you.

You sound as if you have high moral values – be proud of that, and don’t compromise that just to keep a relationship. As for your dwindling self-esteem, you are still young enough to make mistakes and learn from them, so don’t despair.

Also, don’t allow how others treat you to overly affect how you feel about yourself. Loving, affirming and treating yourself well is one way of getting yourself a healthy love life.

Fill yourself with good thoughts and stop constantly looking for someone to love or love you. The future of your dating phase will depend on, and draw life from your ability to believe that you are complete and special.

***

Oh, the freedom that comes with forgiveness!

Many relationships suffer one breakup after another because couples have not learned how to forgive. The question many ask is, ‘how do you forgive someone who has deeply hurt you?’ At that moment, revenge seems to be the only option.

I will ask you a question: how many times do you have to seek revenge to even out the hurt you were subjected to? If you asked me, I don’ think revenge evens anything out, it just make a bad situation worse.

So, what do you do when you are wounded by your partner?

1 Acknowledge the hurt or wound inflicted on you: It is not possible to hide pain. True, working through forgiveness can be difficult, but it is possible. Start by acknowledging that you are able to deal with the hurt and try to remain sober while dealing with it. Take some time out to think things over, or go over what you are feeling with a trustworthy friend or counselor, the aim to help you process your pain before you confront the person who caused it. Such processing helps you to defuse some of the emotive feelings associated with the pain.

2 Choose to remain compassionate: Don’t let your emotions get the better of you. Stay in the control seat of your emotions. Remembering that all have sinned and that all have weaknesses prevents you from becoming judgmental. Also, don’t allow the disappointed and anger you feel towards your partner to allow you to sin.

3 Avoid blame and character assassination: Name calling, banging doors and breaking things around the house will not help resolve your problem. Many people with unresolved issues allow their uncontrolled emotions to become disruptive and end up causing more harm than the initial grudge or hurt did. It will be productive if you soberly voice what you feel.

4 Aim for an open and honest talk: But you should be willing to let go. It is said that to earn forgiveness, your partner must meet you half way. I am, however, of the opinion that there are situations where this will never be. Forgiveness is about receiving your inner freedom and freeing yourself from the anxiety and pain that results from the wounds that betrayal inflicts.

I am at peace and joyful when I know that I am not carrying any negativity from those who unfairly treated me. Note however, that making peace is different from trusting the same person that hurt you. The trust may take time to rebuild, but the journey there is made easier if you free yourself from the hurt, anger and disappointment.

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