Jambo, Philip Kitoto,
Let me start by saying that you have in-depth knowledge when it comes to relationships. You have been of great help to me, a reader who has followed your column for the last 10 years. Having said that, I would like to hear your opinion on this: I am a 29-year-old man who is active, open-minded and principled in matters regarding family, religion and general outlook of life thanks to my upbringing. I met this girl back in 2013 just after my graduation and fell in love.
I approached her and she accepted my intention to date her with a view to marrying her once she completed school and I was able to provide for a family. She was a first year university student at the time, and I felt I had ample time to get my affairs in order. She was a good woman, respectable, faithful and supported me as I hustled.
However, the relationship died on its third year. I got dumped, but not due to unfaithfulness or violence, but in my view, not growing financially as fast as she would have expected. All I had was a positive mindset, determination and willingness to work hard. I followed her around for a while trying to salvage the relationship but ended up more hurt. Eventually, I accepted that the relationship was no more. Painfully, I accepted the situation and forgave myself and her.
My Christianity helped me greatly. And to heal, I cut off any communication with her even though I still had strong feelings for her. A few weeks ago, she got in touch with me and proposed a casual relationship. But I have never been a casual-relationship-type of man, and I am still attracted to her; so I promised to give her proposal a thought. But this is not all.
She told me that she would not mind getting a child with me, with no strings attached, throwing me into further dilemma because I am a pro-family person. Please guide me on this matter.
It is difficult to imagine it has been over 19 years since this column started. If you are 29, then you started reading this column when you were 19 years old. Thank you for your faithfulness.
Indeed, our upbringing, although not perfect, contributes a lot into who most of us become.
The impact of a values-based life to a young person as he grows up is immeasurable. Of course any impact of this nature depends on how the interaction at home is.
Healthy interaction is based on the quality of the knowledge passed on as well as modelling from one’s parents.
Top on the list of the factors that contribute to the inception and growth of a great relationship is attraction.
Many young men like you are attracted to a person of the opposite sex they would love to have a relationship with for various reasons.
Although for some it may start with physical attraction such as looks and observable behaviour, though some of the qualities that we are attracted to may not last long or be core enough to sustain a meaningful relationship.
From your email, it is not clear what drew the two of you together. However, you insinuate that money, or lack of it, is what brought an end to your relationship.
If your assumption is correct, one can only assume that the weight of imagining a financially insecure future with you must have weighed on her to the extent that she decided to call it quits.
But this is just an assumption, it is important for you to find out whether this was indeed the case, at least for the sake of closure.
The past aside, the important question you should be focusing on is why you see the need to salvage a relationship that long ended.
Is it because of the benefits you have been missing since her departure? It is clear why she wants you back into her life; are you ready to take her in these terms?
The strong feelings you talk about are just feelings; love is grounded on facts you can definitely pinpoint.
Also, you should be alarmed that after leaving you and not wanting to see you or hear from you, she suddenly turns up and makes strange requests, such as having a baby together. A baby she does not want you to be involved in raising. Who, exactly, are you to her? From her requests, you are simply a donor.
DO NOT COMPROMISE
My suggestion is for you to follow your gut conviction and remain true to your values.
Don’t compromise yourself. You’re all you’ve got. As a Christian, you have some basic convictions concerning God’s expectation of you.
Don’t act in a way that will make you regret the decision you made in the future.
From what you have written, this woman is not the right person for you, and saying yes to her unusual requests will only erode the values you hold dearly.
If you went ahead and let her back into your life, you would not be true to yourself, and you will be miserable because you don’t want the same things.
There are three things you should be careful about: First, don’t hide who you are. Compromising what you believe in to accommodate others could just be the beginning of the death of your real self.
Second, don’t tolerate disrespect or belittling of your values. Values guide and keep you on the straight and narrow road where you are not only real to yourself, but also feel protected.
Third, don’t accept incompatibility for the sake of temporary fun and enjoyment. You cannot change the fact that you are not right for each other.
Hello Pastor Kitoto,
I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for almost three years now. My problem with this relationship is that despite all this time we have been together, she does not know what I do for a living or where I live, yet she keeps telling me how much she loves me. We regularly meet, but only in public places. I want to break up with her, but for some reason I am unable to, though I don’t see our relationship going anywhere. What can I do to leave this cage-like relationship?
In a relationship, it is essential to be honest and trustworthy if you intend to build a healthy relationship. From what you have written, I sense a level of secrecy as far as you are concerned.
What I get from this email is that this girl loves you, at least by her confession to you. Now, whether this is true or not, only you can tell.
That said, either you have not let her into your world or her claims of loving you have not been accompanied by the willingness to know more about you.
After three years of dating, I find it really odd that your girlfriend does not know what you do or where you live.
Since you didn’t explain why, my first deduction is that you have deliberately made sure that she does not know these details about you.
My second deduction is that she is not interested in getting to know you better. My third is that perhaps you mean that she had refused to fall into the trap of spending a night in your house.
I believe there is need for a level of openness that removes any ambiguity and insecurity that is currently defining your relationship.
It is also not really clear why you want to break the relationship with your girlfriend yet she loves you. Why do you really doubt her love for you?
Are there concrete issues that you feel make this relationship completely unattainable? If so, what are the issues that, if resolved, would make this a relationship of your dreams?
Do remember that there is no perfect relationship. We all are a people broken by this world, yet believe there is a chance to do better.
Your reasons to leave this relationship must be honest. Therefore, I suggest that you do some serious homework.
Get a piece of paper, and on one side, write all the reasons why you feel you are in a caged relationship, as you put it.
On the other side, write the reasons why you are still with your girlfriend in spite of the limitations your relationship faces.
When you know what you are looking for in a relationship, it will be easy for you to make this important decision.
And this homework I have given you will help you make a better decision.
Do you have a relationship question? Email: [email protected]