KITOTO: What qualities should I look for in a man? - Daily Nation

KITOTO: What qualities should I look for in a man?

Monday July 16 2018

When dating someone, do not overlook these small and seemingly insignificant values.

When dating someone, do not overlook these small and seemingly insignificant values. PHOTO| FILE 

By PHILIP KITOTO
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Hi,

I am a huge fan of your column and find it enlightening.

I’m 28 years old and looking to settling down in marriage. What exactly are the qualities to look for in a man?

I have noted that my boyfriend is really patient with me, which is a quality I totally lack, I must say.

He is quick to apologise, has integrity and is modest. Does love “grow” in marriage or is it a choice?

Angela

Hi,

Thank you for the compliment. We are always happy to serve you through this column. We hope it is making an impact on your life.

Relationships are both dynamic and, in most cases complicated, depending on the level of interaction and connection.

First, I would say that, based on the reasons that bring two people together, their relationship will thrive or face difficult moments.

In most cases, many spouses marry for selfish reasons. But such marriages last only for as long as the benefits either party was looking for start dwindling.

A story is told about two men; one built his house upon the sand, and the other built his upon the rock. When the floods (testing moments of the storms of life) came, the house built on the sand collapsed while the one built on the rock stood the test of time.

I believe this analogy could be applied to the kind of foundation on which a relationship is based.

Great and lasting attributes include trustworthiness, faithfulness, patience, love, and effective communication, among others.

When dating someone, do not overlook these small and seemingly insignificant values. Later, they are the key stones that make up the foundation.

How trustworthy is this man you are dating? Does he keep his word? Can he be trusted with money? Does he disclose issues or does he thrive in secrecy?

A relationship with values is like a house built on the rock.

Secondly, does he respect your opinions and who you are as a person or are you living in his shadow seeking to measure up and to please him?

A relationship in which you feel like a second-class citizen is not good for you.

Your voice must be heard when you are dating just as much as you expect it to be heard after you get married.

I believe that, if two people do a good job of the way they relate, they will find it easier to build their love together.

Third, try your best to make your partner your friend. Intimacy grows deeper with friendship.

It is sad that in many cases, by the time two people are getting married, they are virtually strangers.

Disclosure starts early in courtship, during which two people share a lot together that sheds light on who they truly are. Disclosure must never be forced.

So, in summary, a great man to marry is, first, marry him for the right reasons; second, look for a man who espouses the values you believe in; third, marry someone who is a friend; and finally, marry someone who values you for who you are.

Is this man married and just stringing me along?

Hi,

I am a troubled citizen. I have a crush on this guy. I am thousands of miles away while he is in Nairobi.

We chat a lot, talk, call, and text each other. He has a daughter with another woman, with whom he has had an on-and-off relationship.

I asked him whether he is married but he told me he wasn’t. He said the fact that he has a child with her doesn't mean they are married.

Then one day, months after he posted on social media how going home and meeting his daughter makes him forget about his hectic day at work, I asked him again whether he was living with his daughter and her mother but all he said was that they are co-parents.

A few weeks later, he posted a photo of the three of them. I didn’t ask him any questions this time but he went ahead and told me that photo should not bother me since it was simply that – a photo.

I have feelings and will be returning home soon. But I am wondering what far-fetched lie will he tell me.

At times he does not to respond to my chats, or responds two days later.

I am really troubled. Kindly help me.

Hi,

If I were to paraphrase a certain verse from the Bible I would say, “Do not be troubled, believe what you can see.”

I believe this man is not really lying; he is simply living his life the way he wants to and telling you what he knows you want to hear.

The result is that you are the one getting hurt because of his actions and words.

Whether his daughter’s mother is his wife or not, I really do not see the two of you engaging in open and sincere discussion.

First, he seems to use the fact that you appear desperate. As a result, he finds it easier to play with your feelings as he continues enjoying his double life.

Then, as you have said, he has a child with another woman in his life. What he has hidden from you to some extent is whether this woman is his legitimate wife.

However, he has shown enough to prove to you where his heart is.

I would suggest that you move on with your life and let him give his family his full attention.

If, indeed, he had a child with this woman and there no longer have any connections, I believe it would have been seen from his actions.

What I hear from you is a story about a man who derives pleasure from being with his daughter, and possibly, with his wife.

Second, a number of men seem to use the line, “There is nothing between that me and that woman” to fool naïve women or to pass the message, “It is over between us, can’t you see?”

They somehow hope that the pieces of information they give you and their actions will send the message that they are done with you.

I believe this could be the case. Maybe this man wants you to get the message that he is happy where he is.

How long does it take to heal from a heartbreak?

Hi,

How long should one take to heal after a heartbreak? Allan Lawrence

Hi,

Depending on how close two people related, a heartbreak can take a long time to heal.

But it is a bit hard to put a time to it. In fact, some people never really overcome a heartbreak even after years into a new relationship.

Many heartbreaks can leave those involved, or at least one of them, deeply hurt. There is really no standard way of healing from a heartbreak because people are wired differently.

I will give you a few pointers that can help you recover from a heartbreak.

When faced with a heartbreak, first, give yourself time to grieve, process and go through the issues and pain they caused you. The worst thing you can do is assume that nothing happened.

Second, accept that this person hurt and disappointed you. However, also tell yourself that this person does not have the right to hurt you again.

Third, make a conscious choice to forgive. It is important to remember that forgiving and trusting again are two different things, and that happen at different stages.

Fourth, don’t rush into another intimate relationship. People who rush into another relationship after going through a heartbreak could end up opening a door to be hurt again, or to hurt others.

It is said that people who are hurting hurt other people. Dealing with your pain sets you free to associate and love freely.

People who have been wounded by others might also find avenues for easing their pain by talking to others.

However, talk to a person who will not use your vulnerability to take advantage of you.

Send your relationship questions to [email protected]

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