TALES OF COURAGE: My life as an adopted child

Farhan Yusuf was adopted when he was only six months old and suffered rejection from his uncles and aunties. He will be launching his book titled

Dropped to the World, Adopted by Fate in July and wants to use his story to encourage people. PHOTO | LABAN WALLOGA

What you need to know:

  • The 33-year-old was born in Pakistan but was brought to Kenya when he was only six months old.
  • He says he was well received, and got lots of moral, emotional support from his adoptive parents.
  • But the cold treatment and alienation from his extended family broke his heart.

Six words crushed Farhan Yusuf’s world when he was just nine years old.

“You are not one of us,” an uncle told him.

He had always suspected that he was not a blood relation to his kin but these words still broke his heart.

“Life was not meant to be easy for anyone and not for myself either. Every person you meet in life will always have a story to share,” he says.

The 33-year-old was born in Pakistan but was brought to Kenya when he was only six months old.

He says he was well received, and got lots of moral, emotional support from his adoptive parents.

But the cold treatment and alienation from his extended family broke his heart.

“Nobody wanted to interact with me. My immediate relatives were not so close or affectionate. Some would always mistreat me. I used to see my friends having very affectionate uncles and aunts I wondered why mine were not. Then I was told by one of them that I was not part of them.”

In his new book titled Dropped to the World, Adopted by Fate Farhan describes the moment he was made to feel like he did not belong as follows:

My uncle came home one calm evening and requested my parents’ permission to take me for a walk at a nearby lonely pathway. I was uncomfortable and scared of him What was his intention?  Almost as if reading my mind, he turned to me, bent a little lower − as he was neither short nor tall − so that his face was directly facing mine,

“You are not Afzal’s son. That is not your family. You are not our blood. You are not one of us. There was a fierceness in his eyes. I winced and stood still. Unsure of what to do, I looked away and held back the tears that were burning my eyes.

“If you tell anyone that I told you this, I will return you where you came from. Do you hear me?” 

He was heartbroken. Something had always told him there was something missing and his uncle’s words confirmed his worst fears.

“My father had two wives. They never had kids so to them I was a blessing but every time we went to an event, people looked at me very awkwardly. They were trying to convey a message through their eyes which I would not read but my parents knew and kept me away from them.”

He also recalls his mother’s frown whenever people would approach her and ask if he was the child brought from Karachi.

 “I would sit back and wonder what the person was trying to say.”

A school mate also openly told him he was adopted when he was primary school

“I felt lost. I kept quiet. It felt like an insult, but I was too young to understand what it really meant to be adopted.”

But there was more pain waiting for him.

“When I went for my passport, the relative who accompanied me kept saying to the lawyer that I was adopted. The word adopted got into my head. I asked myself if this was what defined me. There are a lot of questions that come to your mind when told the family bringing you up are not your biological parents. Did they throw me out or just give me away? What was wrong with my mum did she not go through the pain of giving birth that she just gave me away?”

PANIC ATTACK

One day, he approached his adoptive parents hoping they would explain to him what had happened.

“My mother suffered a panic attack. I realised it was upsetting them. I never confronted anyone until I was fourteen when my father opened up about on the whole process. I made it known to them that it did not make any difference as what I always knew of was their love and support as a family.”

He also had to overcome the challenge of his relatives not thinking so highly of education.

“My father was not educated. His relatives would ask him why he wanted to take me to school while himself was successful despite being uneducated. I had to stand up for myself and say I wanted to study.”

The childhood scars affected his self-confidence.

“It affected my ability to think I was worthy. There was a time I felt maybe I should not have existed in this world. In Form One I remember when I first went to school I did not have the confidence of public speaking.”

Although his father later passed on, Farhan describes him as his biggest support and comforter.

Counseling from teachers and father helped him regain self-worth and confidence.

“My class teacher and principal really counselled me and spoke to my father as well. I also started writing for the monthly and termly magazines at school.”

He worked on his passion for writing which he had held since childhood.

In the year 2000 his biggest push came in when his self-authored poem was published on the Sunday Nation newspaper and also in the school termly magazine.

“It was a small poem on marriage. That gave me the power to start believing in myself though my relatives were still not happy about it.”

He started writing down his life experiences in a diary. As time passed, he says he felt lighter every time he wrote.

The father of two has worked for various companies as a brand manager, administrator and is also a model who works in both Kenya and Pakistan.

Farhan says over the years he has come to terms with his status and has met his biological family in Pakistan.

“I have interacted with my biological family. My mother passed away in 2011 from cancer. My father is alive but we do not talk much.”

He says he understands adoption with more clarity every year by being positive, creating awareness on it and counselling his friends who are also adopted.

Farhan wants the society to stop labelling children who have gone through a similar process “adopted child”.

He also encourages families seeking to adopt a kid to do it legally.

He says formalising the adoption not only secures the child’s future but also gives it security and sense of belonging.

 “Most people do not adopt lawfully. If you get the child illegally, tomorrow the family will say he does not belong to our brother they just brought him from somewhere. How will you identify yourself when you do not have proof? I was dragged to court when my father died. There were a couple of issues asked but thanks to my parents who brought me in to the family legally, it went well.”

Farhan also insists on having an agreement on the right time to disclose to the child.

“It is not possible to keep the adoption story a secret. People should know the right age to tell their child that they are adopted but before you do that it also important for the adoptive couple to be counselled.”

He also calls for a greater understanding on adoption and more systems to bring awareness on adoption which he says is lacking especially in third world countries.

 Farhan experiences in life are captured in a biography set to be launched in July 2018.

 “It speaks about the challenges of an adopted child, and despite the challenges and ups and about the child still strives to keep positive and strong.”

 “I believe that when you stand and share your story in an empowering way, your story will heal you, and your story will heal somebody else too. Take a limitation and turn it into an opportunity. Go out there and make a difference by being the difference because your actions may inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more.”