DAD STORIES: This is how much I miss you, dad

As a young boy growing up on the slopes of Mt. Kenya, I always looked forward to when my dad would come home for his leave.

One of the sweetest memories I have of him is when I asked him if he would bring me fish when he comes back from Naivasha where he worked.

Four months later, to my amusement, he arrived on a cold chilly evening with his backpack and fresh fish hooked on a string. This was significant because then, in the early 2000s, mobile phones were rare and I had not been in touch with him.

Though my mother boiled the fish in water and it turned out to be “Mashakura” (boiling up all the food ingredients together) as she had never cooked fish before, I knew I was always on my dad's mind and that he loved me dearly.

But lately, things have taken a different turn.

And now, he has not spoken to me for a whole month. We argued the last time we talked, and said some nasty things too.

Now I’m sad and angry. Sad because he has stayed away too long and angry because he is in my mind too often.

I feel like it’s for the best, but I worry that I may not be able to do everything I would want to do – maybe because I’ll lose focus or lack the opportunity or maybe I’ve just never had a dad watch over me.

I doubt he truly loved me; he always complained about me. I was never good enough for him. I did not really feel proud to have his name, and I swore an affidavit to have it changed.

I have learnt that not everything works out, not even with family. One Day, the beautiful book by David Nicholls, and my own life, have shown me that not everything will work out the way we want it to.

I’ve also learnt that nothing is ‘very important’. The things that we deem very important can disappoint us or leave us alone and empty.

REACHING OUT

Despite my resenting dad, I decided to reach out to him and tell him what I feel.

“Dad, I’ve never known loving a woman, but yes, there’s a girl here with me. She says she will love me forever. I know I love her because she knows how to calm my demons.

“The other day she had to rush me to hospital; I think I awoke the dragon. All I wanted to do was to hang myself. I had been having these suicidal thoughts for a while. I thought of what would happen if I killed myself. I knew you would mourn and cry for me, but what was the point of living when I have no one to call father?

“At first I thought if I told you about my suicidal thoughts you would invite me home and show me love. I thought you would congratulate me for making it to university but you said nothing and my heart was shattered.

“I thought I would punish you for all the pain you let me go through. All I want is for this pain to go away; the pain of rejection, the pain of always trying to please you. All I want is for you to say ‘I love you son’.”

“I’m okay now. I no longer have suicidal thoughts.

“But I want to be able to tell you my man problems. I can’t talk to mum about them as I’m circumcised and tradition forbids me.

“I’m now in my mid-twenties where young men need their fathers. I need you to advise me and encourage me; to tell me that better days are up ahead. To tell me I can be genuine in my dealings and make it in life.

“I want you to be my best friend and to guide me through this journey as my idol and mentor.”

Signed,

Your son.

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